Someday you will learn about them anyway, but in a much more cruel way. Therefore, it is better to read these colorful stories by Becky Pope - a mother from England - who sincerely informed her subscribers about what happens when you just gave birth to a baby, right now. After all, forewarned means armed.
1. Postpartum contractions. Contractions. After. Childbirth. Who would have thought? When the Lord gave the woman the ability to give life, he definitely set us up ...
2. The first urination. Take a bucket of warm water and water your crotch, imagining that you are a star in some very dirty porn. It helps.
3. The first trip in a big way. Do not panic. You do not give birth to a second child. Just the sensations are similar. Most importantly, remember that what comes out in the back is not comparable in size to what came out in front. Your gut will not fall out. Or drop out. If you have hemorrhoids. And, most likely, it is ...
4. Your child looks strange. Like ... Really strange. They will say “Oh, what a sweet / such a beautiful child”, etc., and you will reconcile with the opinions of other people, but for you it will look like a bald, slightly bluish old grandfather with bloody smudges on his wrinkled face.
5. Their genitals look ridiculous. And you will worry, thinking about how this will affect their future life, if they remain the same. The bells of the boys are the size of a whole bunch of walnuts, but their penis at the same time resembles the tiny little nut on the top. Over time, the "swelling" is likely to subside. But if not, get ready for the fact that the "big eggs" will become your son's school nickname.
6. The first baby poop doesn't even look like poop. This is some tar. There is a feeling that a nurse sneaks into your ward at night and fills your baby’s diaper with molasses to check whether you can get rid of it or immediately google it. “Why do diapers fill with peanut butter?”
7. Your first shower will look like a horror scene. This is normal. Do not worry, over time you will stop walking like the eggheads of the same film and you will feel much better in the shower. Imagine that you are washing away your sins (of course, if the child was born out of wedlock ...)
8. Nurses adore children. They come and take your without warning. They squeeze their testicles, massage their tummies so that they feel good, and tickle them so much that when they return the child, they feel like they injected Botox without your knowledge.
9. Your child hates you. He does not cry, he informs his master - the devil - about how successfully his plan to destroy life in you is being promoted. In fact, of course, he does not hate you. However, it seems that he never cries if someone else is holding him, or that he likes that you do not sleep all night, but in reality he is so dependent on you that he becomes embarrassed. A human baby is awkward.
ten.You have never spoken the word "suck" so often in your life. And the idea of a little man sucking your breasts suddenly becomes a reality. At this very moment you really start to feel like a mom. And the cow.
11. At the discharge from the hospital, photographers will surely pester you, feeling your vulnerability. They will make 50 identical photos of your baby, make you choose the one you like and shake a lot of money from you. And if you have a sentimental spouse, then you have to re-mortgage the apartment to pay for the pictures.
12. The food in the hospital is so terrible that you would rather give birth at home in agony than eat this burda.
13. It farts. It burps. It hiccups. It makes such eerie sounds in a dream that you are afraid to open your eyes and see Chucky spinning and laughing in the crib. You will hope that other patients will understand that it is not you, but the child. Not that you are sure you are not farting. At these times, you are not in control of your sphincter.
14. All your friends will want to visit you in the hospital. People become overexcited at the mere thought. When they enter your room, they feel like VIPs. And at the same time it seems to you that you are about to go to another world. Therefore, receive visitors only if you are ready for this.
15. Your tummy resembles a balloon that slowly deflates and is very sorry for itself. If you touch it, you will understand that it would be a great springboard for the mouse of Stuart Little. Or what if cut it off, then the hospital staff could shove it instead of peach jelly ...
16. You are immediately prescribed contraceptives. The doctor will constantly tell you about how fertile you are now and how great the risk of becoming pregnant again. But they forget about one important thing - you will never have sex again. You don’t want to see the penis anymore. And if one of them is close to you, you will most likely destroy it in the name of women around the world. The end.
17. You bathe in anger. Your brain is angry, your eyes are evil, as is your tummy, and your fifth point. But your vagina is not angry. She's just beside herself with rage. Give her time to recover, but right now you are no longer friends with her ...
18. You are constantly asked if you have milk, and you imagine how a person in a costume of a cheerful milkman with songs and dances enters the door of your house and stays with you forever, passing you a bottle of milk whenever your child is hungry. But this is not what really happens. Once, after about 3 days, milk begins to flow so abundantly from your breasts, as if they forgot that they are breasts, not garden sprinklers. You do not know whose garden they are from, but judging by the pressure, they must have appeared by order of the Queen of England herself.
19. They want to send you home as soon as possible. You occupy a bed for which there are many who wish, so you take your stinky bundle with a small man and as soon as the doctors are convinced that this is not Picasso's revived picture, you are free. However, do not rush to leave. Take as much advice and help as possible before you leave home. Because as soon as you leave the hospital, you will be left alone with the baby, you must know how to act.
20. Stop worrying. You are not a Wonder Woman. There is no such thing as normal, and no such thing as perfect. You are enough for your child. And you are perfect for him. He will not judge you. It is completely up to you, and to take responsibility for another human being is not to peel an orange. You will often say, “Oh my God, I can’t take it anymore.” You can. And every day it will become easier and easier. Breathe, Mommy. You became a big girl and gave life to your little copy. Is there something impossible for you? Well, except for sleep, of course 🙂
Disgusting, the article is absolutely not worth your attention.
Bullshit. Future mothers, do not try to take this nonsense seriously. It is immediately obvious that they were transferred from imported pearls with their pathetic attempts to pare. Laugh at the wretched, and forget.)))
Some kind of crazy nonsense ...
Let in the degenerate West give birth to sick, stupid children, when they
I want to. And in Russia, I recommend giving birth only to geniuses with powerful health
viyem-centenarians only to themselves for happiness. Turn to the Savior and
I will determine at what time you will succeed. This time is not enough, but a hundred
um wait for your Happiness.