What to do if the child does not obey you

As you know, a person is formed in childhood, whence habits, habits, character that affect the state of his life activity are subsequently transferred to adulthood. The formation and formation of personality is always a complex process, which is necessarily accompanied by protest from the child. Often, one form of child protest is disobedience. In such situations or even periods, many parents do not know how to behave. The result is a lack of understanding between generations, which is growing more and more each time. To avoid such tragic consequences, it is advisable for parents to understand the reason for the child's disobedience. After all, the solution to any problem lies in its origins.

Does the kid not want to dress in anything? He does not flatly refuse to wash his hands before eating? When you speak: "No you can not" - throws things and gets angry. Pulling a cat's tail after what you said that it hurts. Licks on the bus handrails. And then your patience comes to an end. You have already tried the entire arsenal: banned, joked, distracted - nothing helps. What to do when the child’s code is unbearable and does not obey ...

Reasons for child disobedience

The main factors that can provoke a child to disobedience include:

1. Age crisis

In psychological practice, there are several periods of the age crisis: a year,three years, preschool, teenage / transitional age.

Time frames can be set individually. However, it is precisely with the onset of age-related crisis periods that significant changes occur in the child's life. For example, in a year he begins to walk actively, learns independence and learns the world with interest. Parents, for reasons of child safety, make various restrictions on the exciting process, thereby provoking a protest from the child.

We also read: How to get through the crisis periods of childhood and adolescence and raise confidence and independence in a child. Parent Tips

2. A large number of requirements and restrictions

Restrictions and prohibitions are of maximum benefit only in moderation. When everything is always forbidden to the child, he begins to rebel.If very often the child hears “DO NOT”, this causes him protest and disobedience. For an experiment, you can calculate the amount of the spoken word “not” for an hour or a whole day. If the indicators are off scale, then it makes sense to extend the restrictions only to those actions of the child that could be potentially dangerous for him: playing on the road, pampering with drugs or electrical appliances. But you should not constantly prohibit the baby from playing noisily, running or even throwing toys.

We also read:How to tell a child “DO NOT”

3. Lack of parental sequence

When parents look through their fingers at the petty pranks of children, the children consider their behavior to be normal. But if you suddenly got a headache, for example, some troubles and problems at work, it was a hard day, stressful situations, your mood was gone - the parents punish the child for behavior that has always been considered “normal”. Then the child is at a loss, a conflict occurs, arising from a misunderstanding of the reason for the punishment. With the regular recurrence of such situations, internal conflict begins to manifest itself in disobedience.

4. Permissiveness

In this case, all restrictions and prohibitions have been lifted, and the child is absolutely free in his actions and words. Parents are happy, because everything is allowed to the child, any whim is satisfied and the child means “happy childhood”. But such an idyll continues until a certain point, when it becomes clear that the child is uncontrolled. Then all attempts to instill in him the norms of a correct and respectful attitude come down to his disobedience, because the child is already spoiled.

We also read: Spoiled child: how to understand that the child is spoiled, and how to re-educate him

5. Inconsistency of words and deeds

At a subconscious level, children always repeat the behavior of their parents, the features of which can be the main reason for children's disobedience, as this is hidden precisely in the behavior of parents. A striking example is the lack of fulfillment of promises, in particular, punishments, which results in ignoring parental words due to a frivolous attitude towards them. Or you can promise to reward the child with something for good behavior, but do not keep your promises. So why then listen to you, because you still cheat.

6. Miscellaneous requirements of family members

When one of the parents makes high demands on the child, and the other slowly pities and spoils him, one of them loses authority in the children's eyes, which is expressed in the absence of obedience. Such a conflict is typical between parents (mom and dad: for example, dad makes more severe demands on the child, and mom secretly regrets and sympathizes with the baby, pampers him. Dad in such cases, at least for the sake of visibility, they can listen and respect, but you don’t need to listen to mom. Or vice versa, you need to obey your mother, she will always protect her, but not her father. In any case, a compassionate mother will intercede with this tyrant.) And grandparents, for the latter of whom it’s natural to pamper your beloved grandchildren and then the parents suffer.

We also read: grandparents in parenting

7. Lack of respect for the child

In this case, disobedience is more a protest against injustice and your disrespect. If parents do not want to listen and hear their child, as well as their full confidence that the child should not have their own opinion, a protest arises from the children's side. It is important to remember that the child is a person, and he always has an opinion about everything in the world, even the most insignificant. In this case, at a minimum, attention must be paid to this.

8. Frequent family conflicts, divorce

Many parents in finding out their attitude and solving various problems forget to give the child a sufficient amount of attention.As a rule, switching to a child occurs because of his leprosy and pranks only in order to punish, after which the baby again goes by the wayside. Over time, this all leads to children's disobedience, as a way to attract attention.

As for divorce, for every child it is a lot of stress. There comes the realization that now communication with parents will occur separately. Then the child begins to practice a defiant behavior, because when he does something, parents can combine their educational efforts for a while, just what he needs.

We also read:7 examples of how parents encourage child misconduct

Video consultation: What to do when the child does not obey

Teacher’s questions are answered by the teacher of the Voronezh Waldorf school “Rainbow”, a teacher of grade 7 Anastasia Vladimirovna Eliseeva.

How to Obey Obedience

Whatever the cause of childhood disobedience, it is important to fight this. Namely:

1. Relate the amount of punishment and praise: a child must be punished for serious misconduct, but also do not forget about praise.
2. Watch how you express your prohibition and how you react to the child’s misconduct. Shouting and categorization should be replaced with a calm tone. At the same time, one should not be ashamed of one’s feelings, frankly telling the child what exactly and to what extent is upsetting. “Son, I'm so upset with your behavior” - believe me, the child will behave in a completely different way.
3. Use alternative ways to draw children's attention to your words. When a child is very passionate about something, it can be difficult to get him to switch to something else. Alternatively, you can turn to him in a whisper (also use facial expressions and gestures). The child will immediately notice a change in the volume of speech and begin to listen - what happened.
4. Do not voice your requests many times, because the child will get used to repeated repetitions, and the reaction on his part will begin only after the repetition, followed by the punishment. To avoid this, it is advisable to develop a certain algorithm of actions:the first warning should be aimed at stimulating the child to stop his actions without punishment; second, if he ignored the remark, punishment should follow; after punishment, it is important to explain to the child the reason why he was punished. If you strictly follow this algorithm, the child’s subconscious mind will begin to respond to the first remark made.
5. When communicating with a child, it is necessary to abandon the use of the “NOT” particle: Often in response to your requests:“Don't run”, “don't jump”, “don't scream” the child does the opposite. Do not think or worry about what your child is doing to you in spite, just the human psyche, and especially the child’s, is arranged in such a way that phrases with a negative semantic color are omitted during perception. For this reason, it is advisable to replace the negative particle with alternative phrases.
6. When a child protests in the form of hysteria, try to calm down and not pay attention to it. When the child calms down, you should once again explain your request or requirements, using a calm tone. A great option is a distracting maneuver when children's attention switches to a more entertaining business or subject. For example, a child expresses a desire for an independent meal, but all his attempts fail, because most of the food is on the floor. When adults try to feed the baby, protests, tantrums and disobedience begin. Then you can switch children's attention to the doll, which the child must feed. He will surely enjoy such an undertaking. And at this time it becomes possible to feed the baby.
7. It is always necessary to observe consistency in words, actions, requirements and actions. In case of the slightest discrepancies, the child will cease to obey, but not out of harm as it may seem, but the cause of disobedience will be his confusion.To achieve the most positive result, all family members must agree on a sequence.
8. Give your child sufficient attention despite being busy and having problems. In this case, we are not talking about the amount of time spent together. Its quality is important. Even half an hour of interesting time together with a child can not be compared with a whole day of unproductive communication.
9. Be sympathetic to childhood growing up. It is the period of growing up that is most often the cause of disobedience. Often, under the influence of friends, a growing teenager shows his “coolness”. Thus, the child tries to express himself and prove his independence. It is important to choose the right approach to the child without losing authority and trust in his eyes.
10. With the loss of children's trust and respect should try to return them. There is no need to get into the soul of a child, it is enough to show interest in his life. It may turn out that the music he listens to is not as terrible as it seems, but modern literature can also have a deep philosophical meaning. In the process of communication, it will become clear that there are many topics for conversation, where tastes and opinions converge.

Consultation of Yana Kataeva (specialist in family relations after the birth of children): what to do if the child does not obey - 5 tips for parents. Strengthen communication with the child

How to restore contact with a child

Continuing the theme of parental rapprochement with the child, several important points should be highlighted, thanks to which mutual spiritual and emotional contact with the child becomes possible:

1. Confidential relationships play an important role in children's obedience, the result of which is the child's understanding that parents are better at coping with problems. The advantage of such a relationship as opposed to unconditional submission is the ability of the baby to ask his questions without fear of angry parents. Parents, in turn, should ask counter questions, making it clear that the problem can be solved in several ways:“What do you think is best to do? Can I count on your help? Can I ask you to do this? ”
2. If you want to ask your child about an important request, you should not forget about physical contact with him: you can hug, kiss, stroke him. It would be better than repeatedly shouting his request to him across the room. By touching, the child realizes a mutual interest in fulfilling the request. This is the way to say: “We are together, and this is important. What I tell you will not break our contact. I hope only to strengthen it. The most important thing is relations, not the desire of each of us. ”
3. It is equally important to maintain confidential visual contact with the child. In the presence of sudden movements and a stern look, the child begins to defend on the subconscious, perceiving any request as a threat and the desire to exert psychological pressure on him, and perceives the request to fulfill something as an ultimatum.
4. If you want the child to constantly and obediently fulfill your requests, it is extremely important to thank him for the next task or service rendered. Words of gratitude will strengthen the child’s belief that they love him and that it is on him that the improvement of relations depends. Moral, psychological encouragement is appreciated by children much higher than sweets. Thus, an incentive to work is developed. We also read: how to teach a child to work
5. The child must understand that in especially urgent cases when there is a threat to the safety of the family, all its members must obediently obey the elder. To do this, the baby should be aware of possible problems. He should delicately explain that strict adherence to the rules is the basis for saving lives and human health. In this case, we can mention the possibility of negotiating with parents. It will not be superfluous if the child is convinced of the readiness of the parents to obey him in special cases.

Situations

Any theory should always be supported by practice.In this case, for clarity and a kind of “practical guide” for parents, it makes sense to consider and analyze the following situations:

Situation 1. What age is most characteristic of childhood disobedience? When is the so-called reference point expected? Is disobedience typical for a one-year-old child?

In this case, everything is purely individual, and the “reference points” for all can begin in different age periods. Kids can throw tantrums even at 2 years old, or at 5 years old they may not know that there is such a way to achieve their goal. A great influence is exerted by the environment and the people with whom the baby is surrounded. He can begin to imitate a cartoon hero or peer who orders tantrums to parents, after which he will begin to experiment on his own. In this situation, the main rule is the lack of indulgence of whims. Otherwise, this behavior will become a habit in the child.

Another thing is when disobedience is manifested in the validity of the baby's requirements. For example, he expresses a desire to dress independently, put on shoes or eat. As a result of not being allowed to do this, the child begins to hysteria. And in this he is right. But if the tantrum has already begun, then he is right or not - still show firmness, he will have to come to terms with the fact that nothing can be achieved with cry and tears. And you make a conclusion for the future and do not provoke more such situations.

Situation 2. Disobedience and behavior problems can also occur in children 2 years old. Why is disobedience at this age? Why does the child not respond to requests from adults? And what to do in such cases?

According to experts, it is at the age of 2 that a personality begins to form in children, and by the age of 3 it is already almost fully formed. For this reason, at this age, as mentioned above, one should not indulge in childish whims, otherwise it will be too late.

If we talk about the rules of parental behavior in case of tantrums of the child, then the main thing is calm. One of the peaceful ways to resolve the situation is to attract children's attention to something more interesting. In the absence of results, the child's hysterical behavior must be ignored. The main thing is to remain calm, not to be frustrated by the manifestation of your nerves, and not to "rush" over him in a panic. The pattern of your behavior should be something like this: once a scandal sets in — we stand steadfastly, do not react, a second time — there will be much less tears and screams, and there may not be a third time at all.We also read: how to deal with childhood hysteria: advice from a psychologist.

It is also worth considering that the same child can behave differently with different carers. It's all about the correct presentation and communication with the baby. You may have noticed this in your family too - the child does not obey the mother, and the navel is implicit.

Situation 3. Most often, the peak of disobedience occurs in 2-4 years and manifests itself in frequent or even regular tantrums. What to do if a child 2-4 years old does not obey?

This age period in children is marked by a test of parents for strength and "probe" the boundaries of what is permitted. It is especially important to be patient with stamina. To miss this period in education means to doom yourself to big problems in the future with character, obedience, and relationships in the family, in general.

Therefore, re-read the recommendations that were given to you in the previous paragraphs and act. You can’t advise anything new here.

You can also practice emotional conversations with a child who, at that age, becomes reasonably intelligent and understanding. Talk with your child, become an authority for him, and not just a parent.

Situation 4. At the age of 6-7 years, the child already knows the value of his actions, distinguishing between good and bad behavior, how you can behave and how not. However, even at this age, some children show disobedience, only intentionally “evil”. What will be the recommendations for this age?

7 years is a kind of milestone, one of the turning points in the life of a child, when he begins to rethink and change his life views. And this is due to the beginning of the school period, when certain loads and requirements begin. In such a situation, praise is the best parenting tactic. Moreover, warm words must be spoken even regarding insignificant moments. That praise will be a powerful incentive for which the child will try.

Situation 5. The naughty child is well aware of the reaction to his misconduct by all members of the family. Often you may encounter a lack of understanding between them, when one parent scolds and punishes, and the other regrets or abolishes the punishment. How should proper family upbringing be built? How to achieve unanimous conflict resolution?

The main thing that all family members should understand is that the child wraps up all the differences that arise in their favor. It is important to avoid such situations, since there is a high probability of loss of authority. The child's knowledge of the reactions of all family members allows him to manipulate them. Very often spoiled children grow up in such families, which subsequently become uncontrolled.

During the absence of the child, it is advisable to organize a family council, where you should discuss the current situation in detail. It is important to come to a common denominator in the issue of raising a child. It is also necessary to take into account some tricks that children resort to: they can ask permission from one adult, but not get consent. Then they immediately go to another - and he permits. The result is disobedience and disrespect for mom today, which can result in the same thing for dad tomorrow.

We also read: A friendly family will turn a mountain, or how to overcome disagreements in raising a child -https://kid.htgetrid.com/en/psihologiya-detey/druzhnaya-semya-goru-svernet-ili-kak-preodolet-raznoglasiya-v-vospitanii-rebenka.html

You need to understand that there are no trifles on the issue of raising a child. Kindergarten or elementary school teachers also discuss any little things for themselves, starting from where to change clothes for children, how to put a table and chairs in the lesson, in which sink the boys wash their hands, and in which girls and other questions that seem to be insignificant for education . But this is necessary so that the children do not subsequently say that we are not sitting with Maria Ivanovna or that we are not standing with Natalya Petrovna. No need to give children reason to doubt the correctness of our requirements, because it all starts with little things. To begin with, the child simply does not understand why one speaks, do so, and the other - kind of. Questions arise, then a protest, and after the banal manipulation and refusal to obey at the very first shaky situation.

Be sure to pay attention to children's tricks and manipulations by adults. For example, when a baby tries to take time off for a walk with his mother and receives an answer like: “First do your homework, and then you go for a walk”, then goes to his father with the same request and receives permission. Today, using his father’s rash permission, he shows disobedience and disrespect to the opinion of his mother, tomorrow he will also do against the father, and the day after tomorrow he will not ask parents at all. Stop such manipulations and provocations of conflict in the family. Agree among yourself that for any requests, both of you are first interested in the opinion of the other parent, you can just ask the child: “And what did dad (/ mom) say (/ a)?”, and then give an answer. If there are disagreements in opinions, discuss them among themselves, but it is necessary so that the child does not hear. In general, try not to clarify the relationship with the child, no matter what issue your dispute concerns.

Situation 6. All mothers, without exception, are familiar with the situation when, when they visit a store together, a child asks to buy another toy or sweetness. However, constantly pleasing your beloved child with purchases is not possible. And then, on refusal to buy the required thing, the child throws a tantrum and in hysteria falls to the floor in the store. How to behave in such a situation?

There is nothing to be done, children always want something. They want the same hare as Masha’s, or the same machine as Igor’s - that's normal. Agree and we are by no means all and do not always agree to understand that you should not buy a new bag, because there are already 33 bags in the closet at home, and in normal condition. What do you want from a child ?! So he fell to the floor, sobbing and shouting, riding around the store - it’s a completely normal situation, natural, I would say. And if you buy everything that the child asks now - tomorrow he will do the same and get what he wants again. Why not? Once it happened!

The child’s desire for sweets or a new toy is quite natural: he doesn’t have one or he hasn’t tried one yet. You can not blame him for this. The best way out of the situation is to have a serious and calm conversation with the child before visiting the store, in which it is important for him to make clear the reason for the impossibility of buying, but do not lisp, say as with an adult: “There is no money, you still need to earn money. And you already bought a toy this month ”- and so on, calmly and confidently. If the conversation did not lead to the desired results, and the child still threw a tantrum in the store, pick it up and carry it home calmly, without screaming and spanking. Do not pay attention to passers-by, believe me, they see this quite often, you will not surprise them in any way.

Situation 7. Requests, persuasions, arguments and arguments do not have the desired effect on the child - the child does not obey. What is the reason for this behavior? What mistakes do parents make?

There are three most important, most common, most pernicious mistakes of parents:

1. To go with the child about.Yes, of course, every child is a person, but you need to understand the limits of what is permitted, you need to be aware of what this will lead to later.
2. Discussion of various aspects and behavior in a child.If you are discussing, then there are disagreements - the child should not even suspect them!
3. Scream at the baby. A scream is not only stupid, ugly, a bad role model, but it is also ineffective.

Disobedience and punishment

In matters of punishment for misconduct, it is important to consider two rules:

1. It is necessary to give an account of their actions, their causes, and also think about the thoughts of the child, who should feel the justice of punishment. In similar situations, you can’t act in two ways, relying only on mood or other factors (for example, today you are in a good mood and you did not pay attention to the baby’s misconduct, and tomorrow you were punished for the same misconduct).
2. In serious situations, the child must clearly understand the validity of the actions of the parents. If the baby does not obey - the punishment is a completely natural result. It will be exactly as the parents said (preferably in a calm tone).

If the child does not obey the punishment for him should be natural. It is precisely this that is important to teach the crumb - the understanding of the naturalness and inevitability of punishment. Life itself demonstrates examples of this. Going to the red light, you can get into an accident. Without wearing a hat, you can catch a cold. Indulging in a cup of tea, you can spill hot on yourself and so on.

Before punishing a child, it is necessary to explain what its pampering is fraught with. You should speak in a calm, confident tone, not enduring objections.
Proper education and character formation of the child is possible subject to the following principles:

• The main purpose of punishment is to deprive the child of some pleasure that is significant to him;
• The restriction should be implemented immediately, and not postponed to a later time. In children, the sense of time is developed differently, and punishment, executed after a certain period, can cause bewilderment in the child, as a result of which the insult is likely to be harbored;
• The word “no” should be categorical and firm, not enduring compromises, persuasions and discussions, no need to negotiate with the child and cancel his decision. If you go on occasion and succumb to persuasion, you can become the object of manipulation.Therefore, think before making decisions, so that you do not regret what has been said and do not change your decisions on the go. Children immediately understand that it is possible to negotiate with you, and then you yourself will not notice how your child begins to establish a framework of behavior, and not you.
• Whatever the misconduct, do not raise your hand to the child. Thus it is possible to provoke aggression and complexes;
• You should abandon the constant external control of the child. This is fraught with a lack of children's independence, decisiveness, responsibility, such children are easily amenable to the opinions of others and unable to make any serious decisions. All this then develops into adulthood (among drug addicts, most are just such people, those who are easily amenable to other people's influence).

The child should not be punished in the following cases:

• while eating;
• during the period of illness;
• after or before bedtime;
• when the child is very passionate about independent play;
• when the child wanted to please you or help, but accidentally ruined something;
• CATEGORALLY do not need to punish the child with outsiders.

Be logical, consistent in your behavior when you punish a child, it should not change depending on your mood. The child must clearly understand if he commits this offense - he will be punished. If you got the wrong behavior off his hands today because you are in a good mood and you don't want to spoil him, be prepared for the fact that he will do it again tomorrow. But if this time you punish him, then he either will not understand what happened, why you are doing this, or will draw the wrong conclusions. That is why children often do not admit what they have done, waiting for an opportunity when you will be in a good mood to avoid punishment. Do not teach children to lie to you.

We read materials on the topic of punishments:

Punish or not punish a child for accidental misconduct – https://kid.htgetrid.com/en/psihologiya-detey/nakazyivat-ili-net-rebenka-za-sluchaynyie-prostupki.html

8 loyal ways to punish children. How to punish a child for disobedience – https://kid.htgetrid.com/en/psihologiya-detey/8-loyalnyih-sposobov-nakazaniya-detey-kak-pravilno-nakazyivat-detey-za-neposlushanie.html

To beat or not to beat a child - the consequences of physical punishment of children – https://kid.htgetrid.com/en/psihologiya-detey/bit-ili-ne-bit-rebenka-posledstviya-fizicheskogo-nakazaniya-detey.html

Why you can not spank a child - 6 reasons – https://kid.htgetrid.com/en/psihologiya-detey/pochemu-nelzya-shlepat-rebenka-6-prichin.html

Childish whim or selfishness: how is one different from the other? – https://kid.htgetrid.com/en/psihologiya-detey/detskiy-kapriz-ili-egoizm-chem-odno-otlichaetsya-ot-drugogo.html

Video: How to punish children for disobedience

8 mistakes in education

Often the causes of child disobedience are certain parental errors:

1. Lack of eye contact. When a child is passionate (playing games or watching cartoons), his attention is difficult to switch. However, looking into the eyes of a child and voicing a request can work wonders.
2. You set difficult tasks for the child. You should not ask the child to perform several tasks at once. Thus, he will only get confused and in the end will do nothing. It is advisable to divide your request into simple and small steps.
3. You are vaguely articulating your thoughts.Seeing that the child is indulging (throwing toys), do not ask him about how long he will throw his toys! The kid will understand everything literally, so it’s better to say, for example, like this: “Stop throwing toys!”
4. You talk a lot. All requirements should be concise using simple and short sentences. If the child indulges, you need to say “This can’t be done!”, And then try to distract the child.
5. Don't raise your voice. A scream will only aggravate the situation. The child will continue to skod secretly because of fear of screaming. Be consistent in your decisions and behave calmly!
6. You are waiting for a quick reaction. Children under the age of 6 years take time to realize (in order to hear and fulfill the request) and complete the task.
7. You repeat many times like a parrot. The child must independently acquire some skills. And the constant repetition of what he needs to do will turn him into a non-initiative person. Children have a well-developed visual memory, so various reminder pictures will help a lot!
8. Simultaneous demand and denial. Do not use the “not” particle.Requests with the prefix “not” affect the child on the contrary, because the “not” perception of the baby misses. It’s best to replace it with alternative phrases. For example: “Do not go into a puddle” on alternative options, for example: “Let's go around this puddle on the grass!”

We also read: 10 reasons for poor child behavior

Stories

The personality of the child, as well as the degree of his obedience, is determined by the style of education that is practiced in the family:

1. Authoritarian (active suppression of the will of the child). It consists in the suppression of children's will, when the child does and thinks only in accordance with parental wishes. The child is literally “trained”
2. Democratic. It assumes the child has the right to vote, as well as his involvement in various activities related to the family. although some things are not discussed, because they are not part of the responsibility of the child, the main format of communication between the parent and the child is not orders, but a meeting.
3. Mixed. It is characterized by the “carrot and stick” method. parents sometimes tighten the nuts and sometimes loosen. Children adapt to it, living their carefree life from “whipping” to “whipping”.We also read:how to raise children: carrot or stick?

The following stories are the outcome of some of these parenting styles:

1. Too smart

7-year-old Denis is the average child in the family. Parents are concerned about the lack of his reactions to their requests. Hearing problems were suspected, but everything turned out to be normal. Denis is the reason for the untimely sitting of all family members at the table, the flea market in the morning, and also the late brothers and sisters to school. Even speaking strictly and loudly, he can calmly deal with his own. Authorities do not act on him. Never on his face have seen strong emotions, neither fear, nor joy. Parents began to suspect him of serious internal disorders related to mental and neurological problems.

According to the results of the surveys, it turned out that Denis has a sufficiently high and lively intelligence. He enthusiastically supported the conversations, told that chess is his favorite game, with pleasure and sensibly told that he had read recently. The conversation lasted more than two hours, during which Denis was not only not tired, but his interest in everything was growing. Disobedience was the result of high brain activity and a focus on solving more complex problems internally. Denisov’s parents were upset, because the only desire was “So that he listens and fulfills my requests with other children.”

Specialist Comment: Children with high intelligence are just bored with a chore. They can spend hours poring over a difficult task, one that parents are not always up to. Objectively, they seek to occupy a “special” position, which annoys family members and contradicts the principle of equality. They don’t respond to the tone increase if they see that the situation is not worth the nerves, and the parents are just trying to “push”.

2. Too small

Lena is a 3-year-old girl whose parents suspect that their daughter does not think well, because when she tries to explain what and how to do it, she does not understand anything. But she always knows a clear sequence of actions when dressing and undressing. When the psychologist heard a long multi-step instruction, she exclaimed: "Stop! How does baby remember all this? She doesn’t understand why you are telling her this, if you just need to do everything you need with her. Step by step!"

Specialist Comment: They can not listen to the baby, that is, not fulfill the requirements, simply because they are not able to remember and understand the instructions. At the age of 6 years, it is better to show how to do what, and you need to practice with your child. Children have not yet formed arbitrary attention and verbal memory, but they remember the sequence of operations.

The appeal to the child should correspond to his level of understanding and confidence. Do not shout across the room, he may simply not understand that it is he who is being asked for something. Do not use crush “Why haven't you done it yet?”. Do you really think that the child will sit on the high chair and explain to you why it is difficult for him to understand and fulfill certain requests?

3. Too obedient

7-year-old Olya was always admired by old neighbors and familiar women, marveling at her obedience and laconicism. But parents are worried that it is never clear what the girl thinks, what she wants. If you ask her about something, she will do it silently. Never squeaks. Mom never heard her loud, giggling laughter, except up to a year and a half ... It was surprising that even injustice from adults did not cause resistance, disagreement. A neighbor is jealous: “A miracle, not a child!”. And mom is not comfortable: “Somehow she’s unhappy is growing. It’s like I’ve put up with everything in advance ... ” The child psychologist came to the conclusion that there are reasons for concern, but there are ways to “revive” the child.

A comment: A child with depressed emotions needs rehabilitation. He needs to be reminded how to experience these emotions, how to rejoice, to be angry, to be surprised. To do this, you need:

• So that adults do not go home frowning and tense, as if waiting for the end of the world. If a child does not see how adults laugh, how to learn this? After all, the child simply copies the first reactions in adults;
• There should be a loyal attitude towards children's noise. Children never think of evil, they just do not succeed. If family members completely extinguish a child’s feelings, how can he resist a group of adults?
• There should be no taboo on the expression of negative emotions - anger, resentment, irritation, crying ... Under certain circumstances, this is absolutely adequate behavior. There are even comic games for the development of negative expression: a child is dressed up in a costume of a negative character, and on his behalf he can behave arbitrarily unbridled. If you join, the child will be completely free from the fear of being punished. There is also a game of funny “name-calling”: all participants throw a ball in a circle, coming up with unusual names for the one to whom the ball flies: “You are a cabbage! You are a hat! You are a brick! ” This is a game of psychological rapprochement. Indeed, if in the presence of another person we can show strong negative emotions, it means that he is not indifferent to us.

Parents experience

Below is the experience of parents and child psychologists, what to do to a mother if her child does not obey:

Velta, son 2 years:

“If the son ignores my prohibitions, I take him by the hand and put him on a chair, where I strictly explain the reasons for the ban. Sometimes he breaks something. Then I ask him to apologize to the broken thing and regret it. When it becomes very noisy, I use a mysterious voice, which I say that "silence is needed." At the same time I put a finger to his lips. And if the little son runs away, the strict sounds: “Red light!”

By the way, the son loves trains very much, and if he doesn’t want to do something, I say that engine drivers always do this. It works flawlessly 🙂

We also read: why does a child break toys

Maria, daughter 4 years old:

“When the daughter does not want to go somewhere, and I have time left, we just stop. Soon she gets tired of just standing and she goes on. And if I don’t have time, then I explain what the delay is fraught with "We do not have time to get home on time, so there will be no time for a fairy tale." If it’s an extreme case, and if I’ve already gotten angry, I’m also a person, I can cry, I remind you of the angle in which we stood a couple of times. After that, it is only a reminder. ”

Elena, daughter 3 years

“I try to reconsider the situation, that is, I ask myself the question:“ Is it really important at this moment, is this exactly what to achieve from the child? ” When I understand that everything is relatively and internally ceasing to be angry. The daughter immediately feels that there is nothing to resist, that she is free to choose. And, as if by magic, he immediately decides to do what was requested.

If I see that she’s just playing “I don’t want”, I also play: “Do you want to dress? Then there will be a funny naked girl, and on the street naked very uncomfortable. "

When I myself am not balanced, I bring together the requests and requirements to a minimum, because the baby then is also out of sorts. ”

Psychologists advice

Also, do not ignore the recommendations of specialists / psychologists:

Alfiya Rakhmanova, psychotherapist, member of the Association of Dance Motion Therapy, mother:

“Child disobedience is quite normal. So the child trains his: will, perseverance, ability to defend personal interests. It's important to play with children! Enhancing imagination and living genuine emotions are very useful for children. ”

Evgeny Smolensky, child and family psychologist, dad:

“For the baby to hear you, you need to talk to him at the same level (squat down), look in the eyes, hold your hand. Strong hugs and kisses also help - a rare child will not respond to the caresses of parents.

If a child with a cry falls to the ground - do not try to exhort him and appeal to conscience. It is best to give an opportunity to wallow. The task of the parent is not to go far, stand, be silent and wait. After a while, seeing that the roar is not working, the child will rise himself, and you will have the opportunity to discuss with him everything that happened. ”

Valentina Tyurina, educational psychologist at the Scientist Cat Center:

“There must be a clear distinction between what is allowed and what is forbidden. Moreover, the main prohibitions should not change (what can and cannot be forbidden to a child) Then, indicate what the consequences of disobedience will be and fulfill what has been said. Introduce a reward system for good behavior. And also think about the causes of bad behavior: does he have any problems (in kindergarten, school, health). ”

Anna Pugacheva, child psychologist, mother

“See if there is any disagreement in the family. For example, mom allows you to play in the sandbox, and dad forbids. Mom says that you need to cross the road to a green light, and then she goes to red. In such cases, the child does not understand whom to listen to, on whose opinion to rely. ”

We also read: A friendly family will turn a mountain, or how to overcome disagreements in raising a child -https://kid.htgetrid.com/en/psihologiya-detey/druzhnaya-semya-goru-svernet-ili-kak-preodolet-raznoglasiya-v-vospitanii-rebenka.html

How to communicate with a naughty child is the story of one family. What should parents do when a baby of 1.5 years does not obey them and is there anything to do? -https://kid.htgetrid.com/en/psihologiya-detey/kak-obshhatsya-s-neposlushnyim-rebyonkom-istoriya-odnoy-semi.html

Video: What to do when the child does not obey you

Often we think that behavior is the child. That is: it is he who becomes moody, stubborn, uncontrollable. Although, in fact, he just behaves in a certain way. For example, it does not always listen or does not listen immediately. Sometimes he insists on his own and often in an uncomfortable place for parents. Sometimes he screams when he wants silence. What to do when the child does not obey you? And what is the reason for this?

Psychologist's advice to parents. Why is the child not obeying

Irina Kovaleva, family psychologist, motivational trainer with 20 years of experience, talks about how to overcome difficulties in communicating with her child.