Sooner or later, any family is faced with disagreements in the process of raising children. The reasons for the disagreement in certain issues of education are rooted in their families, as well as in the characters of the husband and wife. It is very important for spouses to be able to agree and develop common requirements for the child. This will help the baby form clear moral principles and beliefs. How to overcome disagreements and learn to cooperate? This will be discussed.
It seems that just recently you brought your baby from the hospital. And now he is not a baby at all, but a fully formed little man with his desires and feelings. The time is coming when the child begins show disobediencedemonstrate stubbornness and even throw tantrums!
During this period, many parents are faced with a serious problem. And she’s not even in how to react to children's misconduct. Mom and dad, the main educators, views on the methods of education may not coincide, and even differ radically. Often in the family because of this, even real conflicts flare up.
Why is unity between parents important in parenting?
Let me give you a classic example. Probably, everyone observed a situation when a child in a store asks to buy some toy, a sweetness (it doesn’t matter what exactly), which is not included in the parental plans. How do parents react to this?
- Someone (often mothers) are trying to calm the little one, turn his attention, quickly leave the store;
- Others (usually dads) are willing to buy anything to stop the child’s tantrum and cries;
- Still others (also larger than dad) menacingly move their eyebrows and pronounce in a strict voice to the baby that such behavior is unacceptable. Perhaps a severe punishment awaits the child’s home.
The situation can become even more tense if mom and dad choose different tactics. I will tell you a secret: often children's tantrums in the store are caused by the fact that from one of the parents the baby has already received the desired in this way. Therefore, he sincerely does not understand why the next time he does not buy the treasured thing.
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Why are disagreements between parents dangerous for a child?
When the family does not have uniform requirements for the child, this will certainly affect his inner world. When one permits, and the other scolds for it, the baby does not form clear concepts about what is good and bad, what is possible and what is not.
This can cause increased anxiety, because the child is constantly in limbo and expectation - they will punish or praise him for a specific act. Or, conversely, the baby learns to trick and manipulate.Dad punished for the misconduct - mom will regret and fulfill what she wants.
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It is especially sad when the contradictions between adults turn into open confrontation. The child becomes hostage to parental conflicts. He wants to be good for everyone, and this is impossible. Therefore, the baby can not choose a single line of behavior, to form their own moral principles. It can cause health problems: fears, neurosis, depression.
What is the cause of disagreement between parents?
There can be many reasons for disagreements between parents regarding parenting issues. Here are 2 main ones:
- Differences in parenting styles of families in which mom and dad grew up. Many of us project the methods that we saw in the parental family onto our own children.
- Differences in Parents. For example, a tough, strong-willed, energetic father is inclined to get angry if the child is guilty of something. And mother, by nature soft and kind, seeks to forgive everything to the baby, indulges whims.
Such reasons inevitably cause differences of opinion on the education of offspring. They can not be eliminated, because these are the personal characteristics of the husband and wife, and there is no escape from this. But it is very important, and sometimes necessary, for the benefit of the child and the family to be able to coordinate their points of view. To agree - this does not mean to force the spouse to share his opinion, but to listen and understand the point of view of another. And only taking into account two opinions to develop a single line of education.
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Learning to negotiate
What to do if parents have different views on the issues of raising their own child? You must learn to negotiate. How to do it?
- Speak, discuss different opinions in a timely manner, without accumulating. Indeed, without a heart-to-heart talk, it’s difficult to agree.
- Use neutral time for discussion.. Neutral time is 10-15 minutes of conversation, when no one is in a hurry, both parents are in a balanced state, not inflated with mutual claims.
- If you are very excited, annoyed - ohhang the conversation until you are ready to listen to each other calmly.
- Always remember: if the husband (wife) has a different point of view, he does not act in vain for you. Just he is a different person, with his principles and beliefs.
- Close people do not always have to think the same, but they are very It is useful to learn to respect and accept the opinion of the spouse.
- Never sort things out in the presence of a child, thereby undermining parental authority in his eyes. It is very important for him to know that mom and dad are one team.
- Do not blame your spouse "Here, admire your upbringing." This causes guilt and a desire to defend oneself. Well, the best defense is an attack.
- Do not involve third parties in your disagreements - grandparents, girlfriends. This will only aggravate the situation.
- Do not allow one of the parents (more often dad) stepped aside from the process of education (how to attract a husband to raise a child). The child needs both parents, and even in caring for the baby, the father should have his own responsibilities.
Not a single family can do without the ability to negotiate: they have to constantly coordinate their opinions. It is important that this be done in an atmosphere of cooperation and mutual respect. Seeing this, the child will feel a reliable rear, learn mutual understanding on your example. And tantrums and whims will remain in the past.
We also read:What can and cannot be forbidden to a child and read an interesting article on how to communicate with a naughty child - single family story.
What if parents have different approaches to raising a child? Conversation with a psychologist
You know, I have long understood that you need to be able to concede and find the right balance. Suppose a father should be strict, and a mother more good-natured in relation to the child, or vice versa. Then there will be a correct and competent education.
My family has an explosive character. When I feel that I am boiling, I send my daughter to dad. And he is already quietly arranging on the shelves why his mother is right and reminds him to listen to what I say. This helps us not to bring the situation to cries and tears.
When the relationship between spouses is up to standard, then disagreement does not arise in the upbringing of the child. Only small ones, but they are easy to solve - someone lost and there are no more problems. So, mutual understanding in the family is, first of all, the ability to compromise.
I believe that parents should support each other in front of children in principle. So, firstly, children will not learn to manipulate their mom-dads. And secondly, it is very friendly children. Therefore, in our family, children in some contentious cases usually stand up for each other, and parents, even if they don’t agree in advance, are ready to express a common position on the conflict.