Most of us, seeing a suffering person in front of us, seek to somehow help. Especially respectful are women who have lost an unborn child. Sometimes they hear words of consolation from loved ones, which further aggravate the wound and make them suffer from cruelty and misunderstanding of those around them. What, according to the psychologist, should never be done if a suffering woman is nearby?
Out of very good intentions, sometimes very unpleasant things are obtained.
Often I hear from crying mothers that their loved ones say very unpleasant, and sometimes really cruel, words out of a desire to help. Therefore, I decided to write about exactly what you do not need to do in a situation when a woman is nearby who has lost an unborn child.
1. Depreciate the suffering
When a woman terminates a pregnancy, people around her, trying to console, often say: “Calm down, you are young, healthy, give birth again!” Everything will be fine, do not worry so much. Just a few weeks, it’s not even a child yet. ”. With such phrases, the sufferings of the mother are, as it were, depreciated, actually declared unimportant and not serious. It doesn't get any easier from this. Often, after such support, a woman thinks that she exaggerates her sufferings, therefore she can feel guilty, ceases to share her feelings and closes herself in herself.
In order to somehow alleviate the pain of loss, it should be said: “I understand how painful you are and always ready to help. I can be there if you want. Say what you need ”. This gives the woman confidence that close people are nearby who are capable of support.
2. Demand to stop crying
Many women in difficult situations feel the need to cry. It was not for nothing that nature gave us this ability to cry. Tears help people cope with a storm of feelings inside. Shedding out pain becomes a little easier, suffering goes outside, muscle tension and anxiety are relieved. Those who ask a person who has lost a child to stop crying (“Well, don’t cry, you won’t help with tears”, etc.) force him to suffer even more. Such pain cannot be kept within itself, it accumulates inside, begins to tear the soul, and then transforms into various psychosomatic diseases.
If a woman is crying, you just need to be near, give a scarf on time, bring a glass of water or drip a valocordin.There is no need to say anything, rather silent help and support.
3. Climb with inquiries
Sometimes a grieving person is bombarded with questions, asked to tell some details and details, to remember how and why the disaster happened. Such curiosity should be pacified, especially when a woman is in a period of acute grief (in the first hours and days after the tragedy). Climbing with inquiries is not just useless, but even dangerous.
At this time, the woman seemed to be plunged into the abyss of grief, detached from reality and trying to cope with what had fallen on her. Requests to tell about the details of the incident will only add oil to the fire and scatter the wounds.
The main thing is to prevent the failed mother from getting bogged down in her grief and help her return to life again. To do this, you need to be close by to help if necessary. A suffering woman needs help in domestic matters, feed hot food and be around.
4. Saying that someone is worse than her
The phrase that someone in the world is worse off will not help a woman survive her own great sorrow due to the loss of a child. Sayings that “Maria Petrovna cannot get pregnant for 15 years,” “Vera Ivanovna has recently lost her husband,” “and some people even live without arms and legs,” will not reassure the woman, but only depreciate her own loss. This also belongs to the category of depreciation, but already more cruel. This is cruelty towards a suffering mother and will cause her only shame for her condition.
Perhaps the woman will stop crying and even begin to live an ordinary life, but her unheated, frozen in shame pain will remain inside and begin to undermine her body and affect her physical and mental state. The most correct behavior is to tell a woman that her tragedy is enormous, and she has the right to suffer as much as necessary.
5. Being indifferent
Sometimes it seems to us that if you do not pay attention, do not touch a person, then he will quickly cope with his emotions. If some people try to cause the suffering mother to be frank, others hit the other extreme - they show complete indifference. It seems to them that in this way a person will be able to cope with emotions faster. But indifference hurts no less than the constant imposition of their services and excessive curiosity.
If everyone around you pretends that nothing happened, a woman who has survived the tragedy becomes scared - she cannot understand why everything remains the same ... A suffering woman can be filled with a feeling of hopelessness and complete loneliness. They seem to become invisible to loved ones, and it’s very scary to grieve in isolation where no one touches, does not put a hand on his shoulder and does not offer a scarf.
A woman who has recently lost an unborn child needs to talk about her sympathy, empathy. Tell her about your feelings, say that you understand her grief, sympathize and are ready to help at any moment. Be sensitive.
Why do I need support
Some people do not understand the meaning of support. It seems to them that it does not matter, since it is impossible to return the child. But the meaning of support is not that the woman should be cured, stop experiencing mental pain, cry and suffer. And she is to be close to a person, even when he is so ill. Do not turn away, do not try to correct the situation, do not remove this pain from it, but accept, listen, if necessary, cry nearby. A woman should feel that close people are close to her, she is not alone and can bury herself in someone's shoulder.
Sometimes they tell me that then you can cry forever. But, fortunately, this is not so. A free-flowing pain that comes out in tears, anger and sadness tends to end and bring with it valuable experience.
It is not necessary to think that with such encouragement a woman will suffer endlessly. Even pain and emotional grief has a certain limit. And the stronger they go outside, the sooner a woman will return to life.
We also read:
Video stories of women who survived a miscarriage
My unsuccessful pregnancies. Miscarriage and Frozen Pregnancy
Dedicated to the mothers of their children ...
I really sympathize with those who have experienced such grief. When a friend had such a situation, I decided not to go to her with questions and comforts. I just said that I understand everything, and if she wants to talk, then I will listen to her support. Of course, I myself filtered topics, I didn’t talk about children for a long time. Time has smoothed everything out, now she is raising twins!)
When my sister had a miscarriage, we cried with her all night. I tried to be around. Most often we were silent. After a couple of days, I began to slowly tell her about my work, films, and trifles. Slowly pulling out of a difficult stage. The topic of children is not affected. When we walked, I chose places away from playgrounds, kindergartens, parks. Over time, everything worked out. My sister was born a daughter after 2 years.
In many such cases, silence is golden and you can even just sit side by side without saying anything, just by hugging. Embrace of loved ones always helps to cope with many experiences and emotional pain.
It should be understood that a miscarriage at any stage of pregnancy brings a woman severe emotional pain, especially if the baby is long-awaited. First of all, she expects participation from her husband, and only then from other close people. It is necessary for someone close to explain these moments to the man so that he does not inflict emotional trauma even more with his misunderstanding. But a woman should explain that the male psyche is not capable of long empathy, and all sorrow should be tried to let go.
From my own experience I will say that there is no one correct behavior with women after the loss of a child. We are all different and each has a different reaction, a different psyche, different perceptions, different ways of experiencing pain. The main thing is not to impose your opinion on a woman. Watch her, be near and you will understand how to act and what this particular woman needs.