Are you a parent and often come across unsolicited advice from others about how to raise your children? In this article, you will find ideas on how to respond to such counselors and deprive them of the desire to give directions.
1. “Cry and calm down, no need to pamper and indulge”
When the child does not get what he wants, he is naughty, screaming and crying for a “trifling” (from the point of view of strangers) reason - he really experiences very strong negative emotions. Mom should help him relive these emotions - not to suppress, but to be there until his face dries and glows with a smile.
And when a mother is told to leave everything as it is, it feels like a betrayal of her own child and leaving him in a situation of grief and helplessness. Therefore, such advice only causes indignation among the modern mother, because she feels her baby, wants and can calm him down.
What to answer
Among such advisers can be not only strangers, but also relatives and even a spouse. Therefore, it is worth picking the correct answer that will not cause retaliatory aggression and will not provoke a quarrel. He should simply exhaust the desire to give unsolicited advice.
Say this: when I cried as a child, more than anything else in the world, I wanted to be hugged and told something good - that’s why I will do this to my child only because I love him.
2. “My priest would have a red one for this” - to beat and severely punish
Although any mother, in a fit of anger, can spank her baby herself when she hears advice on how to flog her baby, she is surrounded by a sense of resistance mixed with fear. Therefore, that this is perceived as a threat of violence against her child, which she should, in fact, prevent.
All reasonable advice from a psychologist to parents of children of any age is to exclude any violence, not only physical but also moral. Needless to say, the belt and hard reproaches are relics of the past. Now, young parents are categorically opposed to creating psychological injuries to their own children.
What to answer
It is not worth ceremonies here, since the question is serious - violence can really ruin the future of your child. Therefore, the answer must be clearly and concretely: "I will not allow violence against my child ever and from anyone."
3. “It is necessary to properly dress / feed / walk like this ...”
Any mother at least once heard (most likely from the older generation) reproaches that she was doing something wrong with respect to her children. This is always unpleasant, because it calls into question our parenting skills.And how can you develop them without learning and not making mistakes? You must give yourself the right to be imperfect parents (but certainly attentive and loving) and repulse any attacks from "more experienced" people.
How to protect yourself
All directions for clothing, walking, toys and food can be countered by the following phrases. “I am sure that you are doing everything right for your children; but I’ll deal with mine myself. I will act as I see fit, because I am responsible, not you. ”
4. "Deprive entertainment for poor grades"
Do not let walk outside, deprive the computer and in every possible way pester the child for misses in studies. Yes, yes, and thereby grow the neurotic that is loved only by the good, and those who make mistakes - no. Deprive the baby of any childhood joys, only so that he tries for the sake of good grades - and make him be an excellent student, shaking from fear of getting a deuce.
This is, in fact, the advice to parents of first graders and all schoolchildren, if they are aimed at monitoring their studies by depriving them of any everyday joys. In order not to succumb to this advice, parents need to remember their studies themselves and admit to themselves whether the grades greatly influenced their happiness in their personal lives, the ability to work in a team and get along with relatives. But this is the main thing in adulthood.
How to answer
You can tell such advisers that the main thing for you is that your baby grow up happy, and not the smartest in the world.
5. “Make obedience and respect elders”
Perhaps the most harmful and annoying advice to parents of adolescents is about how to suppress their slightest protests and not allow them to do their own thing. Do not let peers go to a party, deprive pocket money for disobedience, shout and ban to declare your authority in front of a teenager. In this difficult period, the only thing you need to try to do is take care of the child’s trust in you and help him smoothly move into a new life stage.
What to say to advisers
At the slightest attempt to give advice to parents of high school students, their dads and mothers can respond with the following phrase: “My son (daughter) and I are friends, and we solve our problems on equal terms and find out the relationship.” If something doesn’t work out in your relationship, it’s better to listen to the real advice of a psychologist to the parents of young men and women, that is, to find a qualified specialist in teenage problems.
It would be high time for all counselors to learn by now that no matter what advice they give to their parents, education will be carried out by their own example and those of others. This means that any advice can still be answered with the question - are the advisers themselves observing all these rules? This will silence them shamefully, because such people, as a rule, simply assert themselves at the expense of others, doing everything far from perfect in their lives.
Raising a child is really a very difficult process. Personally, I consulted with a family psychologist before I had a child. I believe that the main thing in education is the correct attitude to the child: you need to perceive the child as a normal person. In no case do not pamper him, but do not scold him for nothing. You need to understand that the child will soon grow up, and how he enters into adulthood depends directly on the parents.
In family communication with my husband and his parents, I try to adhere to the correct attitude in the statements. Saying a phrase with the phrase “my child” can seriously spoil future relations with relatives, and with a husband, is it worth speaking at all ... In relations with relatives, you can simply smile and act in your own way, clearly demonstrating to others that you are in control and able to quickly resolve the issue on their own and their advice is not appropriate.
This is very annoying moralizing. It seems that you are the most stupid person, but in fact no one knows the child as well as his parents. There will always be such types of people giving advice. You should not butt them, they should gently hint that you yourself know everything well. You can simply ignore it and do it yourself as you need.