Bullying at school: how to protect a child from bullying

Content

All this is about bullying at school - bullying, bullying, and bullying. The word is new, the phenomenon is old. According to the 2006 UN, every tenth student in the world is exposed to violence at school, and this figure is growing every year. In the media, we are increasingly seeing frightening headlines: “teenagers posted on the network a video with a beating classmate,” “the girl committed suicide due to bullying at school.”

The problem of bullying is modern, acutely social. You can’t turn a blind eye to it, because child cruelty sometimes transcends all permissible boundaries.

This article is for parents, children, teachers, for those who had to deal with bullying and bullying at school and for those who want to protect their child from this terrifying phenomenon of our time.

What is bullying

Trawl (jarg. Bullying - English bullying) - aggressive persecution of one of the members of the collective (especially the collective of schoolchildren and students, but also colleagues) on the part of another, but also often a group of persons, not necessarily from one formal or recognized by others collective.Harassment is organized by one (leader), sometimes with accomplices, and most remain witnesses. In the case of bullying, the victim is unable to defend himself from attacks, thus bullying is different from conflict, where the forces of the parties are approximately equal. Harassment can be in both physical and psychological form. It appears in all age and social groups. In difficult cases, it can take some features of group crime.

The concept of "bullying" appeared in the XX century. But it gained modern significance relatively recently, thanks to the author of the book “Bullying at School”, Norwegian professor of psychology Dan Olveus.

The professor conducted the first study among schoolchildren in Norway and Sweden on school bullying. It turned out that 15% of children regularly encounter the situation of bullying, 9% of the respondents are victims, 7% are aggressors, and 2% play both roles.

But the data of a modern study conducted in the USA in 2016: 13% of schoolchildren were subjected to verbal bullying, 12% became objects of gossip, 5% were subjected to physical violence and 5% were excluded from communication.

In simple words, bullying is intimidation, bullying, bullying - this is the aggression of some children against others, when there is an inequality of power and the victim shows how much it hurts her.

Types of bullying

physical - direct physical actions in relation to the victim (shocks, kicks, beatings, sexual harassment);
verbal - threats, insults, ridicule, humiliation;
socio-psychological - bullying aimed at social exclusion or isolation (gossip, rumors, disregard, boycott, manipulation);
economic - extortion or direct selection of money, things, clothes;
cyberbullying (from English - cyberbulling) or Internet bullying - bullying on the Internet through social networks, e-mail. It involves the spread of rumors and false information, hacking personal pages, sending negative messages and comments. It is the youngest and most dangerous type of bullying, because it is very difficult to defend against it and find the sources where the threat comes from. There was even such a thing as a bullicide - a siucid committed due to baiting on the Internet. The most famous case occurred in the USA in 2006. The mother, along with her thirteen-year-old daughter, harassed a minor acquaintance on the MySpace social network under a fake profile. The girl could not stand the bullying and committed suicide.

Who is involved in bullying?

In a bullying situation, the victim, aggressor and observers usually take part, i.e. bullying participants.

Victim

There can be absolutely any reason for bullying. Most often, children become victims:

with physical disabilities or developmental features (decreased hearing or vision, cerebral palsy, etc.). Suffering from diseases that separate them from the team;
insecure, withdrawn, with increased anxiety and low self-esteem;
with features of appearance (freckles, fullness / thinness, etc.);
with low intelligence and learning problems, losers;
“Favorites” of teachers or vice versa outcasts.
excellent students;
physically weak children;
children who are hyperprotected by parents;
sneakers;
teachers' children;
not having modern electronic novelties or having the most expensive of them, inaccessible to other children;
child prodigies;
children with a non-trivial, different from the standard, worldview ("white crows");
children of poorly provided (poor) parents;
representatives of national minorities;
representatives of sexual minorities.

What unites all victims is the inability to resist the offender, protect themselves, and fight back.

Aggressor

A potential buller is a person:

with low self-esteem, which he seeks to raise due to the humiliation of others;
striving to be in the spotlight at all costs;
aggressive, cruel, prone to domination and manipulation;
more often with problems in family and parent-child relationships.

Aggressors can be children from dysfunctional families, as well as from families with high financial standing.

Observers

This is the largest category of school bullying participants. Observers are those people who find themselves involved in a bullying situation. Here, as a rule, there are three scenarios.

Or the observer defends the victim, himself under attack and risking becoming a new victim (remember the boy from the movie "Scarecrow", who defended Lena Bessoltseva).
Or the observer takes a passive position, without interfering in any way with the conflict.
And the third option is when the observer actively encourages the aggressor and after some time joins him.

participants in the bullying situation — Participants in the bullying situation

Unfortunately, in a bullying situation it is useless to take a detached position. Even if only one classmate is attacked and your child is “not concerned”, observers receive not less, but sometimes more, injuries.

In psychology, there is even the term "observer trauma." Often a child cannot independently cope with the experience of monitoring ongoing violence.

Bullying causes damage to the mental health of not only the victim, but also children who are in the position of silent witnesses.

Impact of bullying on its participants and consequences

Now let's trace the impact of school bullying on each of its participants.

What does the aggressor get in the situation of bullying? Again, a feeling of one's own “coolness”, impunity, “omnipotence”. In the future, this leads to even greater development of destructive, i.e. personality-destroying qualities, deviant behavior and, as a result, registration with the Commission on Juvenile Affairs and problems with the police.

What do bullying observers get? Shame and guilt for not helping the victim showed weakness.

And, of course, the most severe psychological trauma is inflicted on the bullying victim. Even after many years, as adults, the victims remember all their painful experiences associated with bullying.

Psychologists note that school bullying is comparable in severity of consequences for the psyche with domestic violence.

The victim of bullying begins to manifest psychosomatic disorders: frequent headaches, problems with sleep and appetite, chronic diseases can worsen.
Plus, depressive disorders, increased anxiety, neurotic manifestations.
And the most serious reactions to bullying are suicide attempts or cheating, when the child can no longer tolerate ridicule and bullying and decides to avenge offenders with explosives or cold steel.

How to recognize bullying and how it is dangerous

If the child has become a victim, but does not talk about it directly, you can guess about the bullying by other physical and psychological signs.

Causeless pain in the abdomen and chest;
Reluctance to go to school and poor academic performance;
Nervous tic, enuresis;
Sad appearance, anxiety, anxiety;
Disturbed sleep, nightmares;
Prolonged suppressed state;
Frequent colds and other diseases;
Propensity to solitude, unwillingness to communicate;
Appetite problems;
Excessive compliance and caution;
Tires quickly and cannot concentrate;
Closes in himself, becomes touchy, often repeats “you do not understand me!” ...;
Often goes on about other children, is afraid to express their own opinions;
Bruises, torn clothes and a briefcase, “lost” things are common;
The child avoids the crowd, group games, circles;
The child has no friends;
At breaks, the child tries to stay close to adults;
Afraid to go to the board;
No desire to go to school or extracurricular activities;
Does not go to visit friends;
Constantly looking for excuses not to go to school and began to get sick often;
A child goes to school on different routes;
Pocket money often disappears;
Returning from school depressed;
Never mentions any of his classmates;
She speaks very little about her school life;
Doesn't know who to call to learn the lessons, or even refuses to call anyone;
Lonely: no one invites him to visit, for birthdays, and he does not want to call anyone to him.

What to do to a child victim of bullying

Now I want to appeal to the children:

If you are bullied at school, name-calling, spoiling clothes and things, be sure to tell the adult about this: parents, teacher, senior comrade. Remember: asking for help is not a weakness, but the decision of an adult in distress.
Do not be afraid that “it will be worse” if you tell someone about what is happening. It will be really worse if you are left alone with your problem. There will always be someone who is stronger than your offenders and will be able to protect you.
If you are being harassed on the Internet, be sure to save all correspondence, videos, voice messages so that you can use them later as evidence of cyberbullying.
If the object of bullying can be fixed, correct it. If not, do not consider yourself guilty.

How NOT to do

Aggressively argue or answer in the same way;
Threaten buller;
To pretend that you do not care or that you are funny,when it is not;
Run away, hide, cry, complain.

How to do

Shrug calmly and smile;
Ask a counter question (“Do you think so?”);
To agree (“Yes, I have shortcomings, I myself (a) know about them”);
Allow thinking like that (“This is your opinion”).

It is most important to understand that Buller’s words and actions do not change the bullying victim in any way and that indifference to the attempts to bully is what will put Buller in a stupor.

Video: How to Stop Harassment

Parents whose children encounter bullying at school

And now, tips specifically for parents whose child is being harassed at school.

The first and most important point is to remove guilt from the child!

Explain that he is not guilty of being harassed. The child is in no way worse than others, he just got into a difficult situation for himself, from which parents and teachers will help him find a way out.

After that, you can normally talk about what happened with the child. Here are phrases to help you get started.

«I believe you". This will let the child understand that together you will deal with the problem.
«I'm sorry it happened to you". This is a signal that you share his feelings.
«This is not your fault". Show the child that in this situation he is not alone, many of his peers are faced with different options for intimidation and aggression.
«It's good that you told me about it.". Prove that the child did the right thing by contacting you.
«I love you and try to make sure that you are no longer in danger". This phrase will allow you to feel the protection and look forward to the future.

Try to always maintain trusting relationships with your children so that they can ask for help in case of school violence in time.

Let your child know that you are on his side. Support and reassure: “It's good that you told me everything! I believe you. You are not to blame for what happened. I will help you".
Confidently talk to him about the situation. Explain to him further actions and line of conduct.
Help your child gain self-confidence and ability to withstand peer attacks.
Talk with the class teacher, teachers, parents of your child’s abuser.
If the situation is serious and it cannot be resolved peacefully, consider transferring to another school or class. Again, this is an extreme case, since the same thing can happen in a new place.
In a cyberbullying situation: if the buller is known, block messages from his address or contact the site administration. If the aggressor remains anonymous - print the correspondence, take screenshots of the pages with videos and photos and go directly to law enforcement agencies.

The task of the parents is not only to protect and support the child who is faced with the situation of bullying, but also to teach him the correct, healthy communication with others. In everyday life, it is very difficult to avoid a collision with evil, cruelty and aggression. The child must learn to say no, not to succumb to provocations and manipulation of comrades, to know that it is sometimes more correct to devote adults to their problems than to understand on their own, and to be sure that relatives will not dismiss him, but will help and support in difficult times.

Teacher-psychologist Olga Tkachuk told how to recognize a problem in a timely manner and deal with it correctly.

- Bullying is a very fashionable word now. They are often called any conflict that occurs in a children's team, when someone offended someone, called, hit. But not every quarrel is bullying.

Yes, bullying begins with individual episodes of psychological or physical abuse. But whether these single or even repeated cases will take on a permanent, long-term, and systematic character (and this is what distinguishes bullying from conflict) depends on how long the victim will endure and hide his feelings and how the environment will respond to this.

Signs of bullying are the inequality of the forces of the participants, aggression, the intentional nature of the instigators and the acute emotional reaction of the victim (the person suffers from what is happening).

In my work as a school psychologist, I came across individual episodes of an attack on the personality of a child, but this topic stopped at the very beginning, was picked up by parents and / or class teachers, the administration, a psychologist, and did not get to the bullying. It is important here that a clear rule should be at the forefront in the school itself: in our country, violence and bullying are unacceptable and immediately stopped. This rule should be shared by all adults - from the director to the teachers.

Appeal to the teacher

Talk to psychologists and teachers. They can be contacted directly at school or at an NPO. The main thing is to convey that this is a common problem that you would like to solve, and not make claims.

If the conversations do not help and the school cannot protect the child from bullying, you can file a lawsuit. Use the Code of Administrative Offenses of the Russian Federation.

In case of physical violence it is necessary:

Stop taking the child to an educational institution;
Collect evidence (health certificates, spoiled things, screenshots of correspondence and so on);
Write a statement to the police prosecutor;
Contact officials (local Department of Education, Rosobrnadzor, Commissioner for Children's Rights);
Attract public attention.

What to do for a teacher

The problem of bullying in school and in the classroom is a separate big topic. Here is just one example of what a teacher can do.

Situation: two girls declared a boycott of the third. The teacher, having received the consent of the victim and her parents, organizes a meeting with the initiators of the boycott and four other guys who took a neutral position. The teacher explains to the children how the girl feels and asks them to come up with two or three possible solutions to reduce her suffering. Feeling the importance of their mission, children are actively involved in the "project". Once a week, all participants meet and talk about their successes. After several such meetings, the situation, as a rule, exhausts itself.

However, unfortunately, not all parents find support from the school. Then almost the only “option” is care for family education. Just changing the school does not always work, as bullying can happen again. During family education, you will have plenty of time to discuss with your child his traumatic experiences.

Help the bullying victim

1st method. "A collection of virtues." When someone leads aggressively towards a child - physically or mentally, his self-esteem seriously drops. Therefore, one way to help the child is to make a list of his good qualities that will set him apart from the crowd.The next time you meet a bully offender, a list of your positive features pops up in your head.

- So I see the picture: against the conditional Vasechkin there is the conditional Petechkin with fists, and Vasechkin proudly recalls: “Ah! I’m such a fine fellow, I am well versed in Bach! ”

- Not so primitive. It’s just that if a child knows his merits, he doesn’t have inner anxiety — I mean nothing, I don’t know how ... And such confidence affects his behavior in conflict situations.

2nd method. Observe the principle of an impenetrable wall. We tell the child: imagine that you are surrounded by an impenetrable wall. There, behind her, someone screams, makes noise - and you seem to not hear him. You can even put headphones in your ears and pretend you are listening to cool music.

- Yeah, but our Petechkin how to pull out these headphones and even tear it up ...

“She wouldn’t dare if you do it with a sense of dignity (but you already know what list of virtues is inside you). However, this is really advice not for everyone, but for those who have a good endurance.

3rd method. "Problems of the offender." Suggest to the child: imagine that everything that the offender says does not apply to you, but to him, to the personal problems of bullying. Because a person with an order in his head is unlikely to behave this way. And the child begins to see and evaluate the situation differently, and even his body begins to emit other smells! After all, if you look into psychophysiology, when a person strains, he smells of sweat. If he is constantly in tension, then the smell with him is constantly. You know: if a person is afraid of a dog, she feels it. The same thing is in the world of people. At the level of the laws of nature, we are all one.

4th method. "The technique of a thick-skinned elephant." We learn self-hypnosis: "I am an elephant, I am pachyderm, and everything that is offensive to me is bounced off like a ball." Do not get hung up on the insult. The more the victim is upset, the more interesting the tyrant is.

5th method. Teach your children to parry lunges. For example, the offender at school says to her classmate: “you are scary,” and she answered: “and you are so cute. Offender to her: “you are a fool”, and that - to her: “you know better, you are smart” ...

The meaning of these methods - thick-skinned, parrying - is to prevent the words of the offender from entering your territory. As soon as this is allowed, you begin to believe what has been said and also become an involuntary bullying player.

6th method. Play board, team games with children. So that the game process is important for the kids, and not the opportunity to win.

7th method. Let the child realize himself, train his strong side. For example, circles in which he will assert himself, where he will grow self-esteem.

Memo for parents: how to stop bullying

how to stop bullying a child reminder for parents — How to Stop Harassing a Baby Parent Reminder

From personal experience

"High school students attacked my son"

Regina Conversation, the mother of three children, shared the story when she herself had to intercede for her son.

- I learned from the general school parental chat in the social network that my boy (he was in the 8th grade) was beaten by 10th graders. The elders decided to punish the younger ones for being too noisy. We took out the belt, hit the boy. It turned out to be my son.

The classroom told me: they’ll figure it out themselves. How?! 10th and 8th grade can’t figure it out on their own - they have different interests, physical parameters. Therefore, a meeting was scheduled, there was a whole company of high school students, teachers of both classes and representatives of the 10th grade parent committee who ... came to fight with 8th graders! They tried to blame the guys: they almost beat themselves. From which I once again concluded that the problem of children's behavior is a problem of parental behavior.

Then I said that I would write a statement - immediately to the prosecutor's office - about moral and physical violence. And what will be said there about the teacher who admits such class behavior. And about parents who encourage this behavior of their children. The conversation immediately took a different course.That is, as soon as we stutter about the legal side of bullying (and bullying in the West is a legal term that involves punishment), the question is settled. Parents began to look for options - how to interact, how to make friends of children ...

What to do if your child is a buller

Most often, children who are subjected to domestic violence, as well as surviving traumatic moments in the past, become bullers. If the father hits and humiliates the boy at home, then with great probability the next day he will try to recoup on weaker classmates. Such a child undoubtedly needs the help of specialists, but the main thing is to analyze what is happening in your house.

But there are times when a buller has high self-esteem, coupled with reduced empathy and is fully aware of his actions. Such a child needs tight boundaries and understandable consequences of his actions. Talk to him about it. Tell us about your experience as a victim or aggressor.

Pay attention to the environment of the child: whether he is subjected to violence from older friends (sometimes constant sarcastic remarks are enough).

Finally, go to a family psychologist for a consultation to find out what is happening together. It is often impossible to do this on your own.

How to behave to a child in whose eyes someone is constantly offended

It depends on the resources, the strength of this child. The most risky and courageous way is to defend yourself, to say that this is unacceptable. There is no such resource - to tell an adult about what is happening (to his parent, teacher, psychologist).

Why are children often afraid to tell adults about it?

There are several reasons. This may be unformed or broken trust between parents and the child, and the child’s unwillingness to “injure” the parents with their problems, and their own negative experiences that simply paralyze (fear, shame, guilt).

Even in our society there is such a myth that asking for help is a weakness. You must deal with everything yourself, ask for help - humiliation.

Often, the children themselves who are being bullied share this rule. "Mom, don’t go, I can handle it myself," "they will laugh at me if I complain to someone." And perhaps they already had a negative experience when they trusted, and adults “spoiled everything” - for example, they depreciated, did not take into account the experiences of a teenager or waved away.

Trust is a very fragile thing. And it is important that in the immediate environment of the child there should be at least one adult whom he trusts.

School bullying prevention

Due to age, a child cannot protect himself from bullying. This is the work of adults. However, there are basic things that adults should explain to him for the prevention of bullying in the school environment.

Talking about cases of bullying to adults you trust is correct, this is not squealing.
It is necessary to strengthen self-esteem and behave confidently. Be persistent and strong (at least outwardly).
One cannot hope to get revenge with the help of even greater cruelty. This will lead to new problems. It is better to look for friends among peers and use the most powerful weapon against aggression - humor.
It is necessary to avoid situations in which bullying is possible, and to reject offers to participate in it.
If you witness violence, you must immediately bring one of the adults or advise the victim to go for help to a parent or teacher whom she trusts.

Any phenomenon is better to prevent than to eliminate its consequences, and school bullying is no exception. Prevention of violence in school is the right attitude of adults to these problems.

Dear educators! You have no right not to know what is happening with your charges, and to turn a blind eye to the aggressive “antics” of adolescents. Any information on the manifestation of violence should be checked and taken into account. In addition, it is necessary to pay attention to the formation of groupings in the classroom and the identification of “rogue” and “white crows”.Also browse your students' personal pages on social networks, pay attention to posts and comments. No one encourages you to violate the internal space and get into the privacy of your wards. But you must warn, prevent violence and aggression and protect the weak. Organize activities for uniting the children's team, joint hiking, excursions, trips. Involve a school psychologist and social educator in the prevention of bullying, collaborate with families - do not remain indifferent!

Dear Parents! Tell your children about the phenomenon of bullying and how you can protect yourself from it. Explain that telling an adult about your problem is not a weakness, but a wise decision.

Guys! You are just starting to live, and in modern life you can meet not only the good, but also a lot of evil, cruel, wrong. Learn to be stronger than evil, say no when you are forced to do something bad, to repulse the offender, without losing your own dignity. Find your friends of interest, communicate with those who will respect and value you.

And finally

Now you know all or almost everything about bullying at school. Yes, the modern world is really cruel and dangerous. And the main danger lies in ourselves. Therefore, you can not close your eyes to what is happening. At the slightest sign of bullying - sound the alarm, look for ways to help and resolve the situation.

If you encounter bullying at school, you need to ask for help. Every day, under the yoke of fear and humiliation, it worsens your state of mind, takes away strength and undermines basic trust in people. You have the power to stop it. You can. If you feel bad - do not tolerate.

And in conclusion - a video about how important it is in time to help a child who is a victim of bullying, protect in time, not be late ...

We also read: Child being bullied at school: 6 ways to make things worse

Social video. Try not to cry ...

Video: Inside out. Bullying in schools. Survive and survive after bullying

Breaking your nose, spitting in your face, scoring one with the whole company is not a criminal report, but the realities of ordinary schools. The heroes of the fifth issue of the “Inside Out” project are Alexander and Irina. During their studies, they encountered severe harassment from classmates. They were able to go through real hell, but to forget - did not work.

Real stories of bullying at school and dealing with it

We created a small survey and were surprised how widespread bullying is. Read stories of schoolchildren - perhaps one of them will help you stop bullying!

Asya:

Haunted from behind a large forehead! The way out is to change your perception of beauty, work with self-esteem and develop the ability not to spend emotional resources on stupid people. In general, the best remedy for "stupid" bullying is growing up, because both sides gain more intelligence.

By the way, if you need to deal with bullying here and now in a certain situation, then for me personally the best way is this: instead of being shy / resentful / silent, or attacking in return, or, as some advise, laughing with the aggressor, you can try to directly and calmly say to the person: "It’s insulting / it hurts me / it’s unpleasant for me to hear it / don’t say so, please, it upsets me."

In short, the trick is that the aggressor seeks these feelings, so such an answer can confuse him.

Dima A.:

I would not say that I got a lot from bullying - I could do without physical assault. But still the wound left - mockery, jokes and the like. He fought, just starting to google the answers to his questions.

That is what helped me gain confidence and resist resentment. After a couple of years, having stopped responding to insults and joking with them, I gained authority in the class, and later my word began to carry weight. Perhaps I managed to overcome the persecution because people themselves grew up.

Olga K .:

In the seventh grade, she broke a measuring cylinder in laboratory work in physics. And that is because the stand was deformed.Teacher said that I am mediocre, stupid and armless. With the whole class he made me clean everything. He said to bring two cylinders as punishment.

I proudly and silently brought four the next day. He apologized, but quietly and at recess. The sludge and pop-up "mediocre, stupid, armless" during the failures remained so far, but after all, not a schoolgirl for a long time ... At such moments, I restrain myself from self-flagellation. I tell myself that the cruelty and non-pedagogical behavior of this person is a consequence of narrow thinking and dullness, and has nothing to do with me, much less speaks of my professional qualities and “armlessness”.

Vladislav K .:

He began to scam those who scoffed at me, and stopped reacting to their jokes heartily.

Tanya K .:

In our school there are quite a lot of people who cannot assert themselves at the expense of their knowledge, therefore they assert themselves at the expense of humiliating their peers. Many advise simply not to pay attention to insults, but this behavior does not always stop the offender. In my case, this did not help.

If one cannot just be silent, one must act. But how? You definitely cannot answer them in their own way. "If a dog barks at you, you don’t get on all fours and don’t start growling at it," are words that should be remembered forever.

I acted as follows: when my abusers once again tried to insult me, I silently listened to everything they wanted to tell me, and then simply asked the question: “Why did you say that?” After that, the offenders are lost in thoughts, it is unlikely they will have a decent answer. If the incident recurs, it’s worth doing the same. Over time, a person will realize that you are confident in yourself, and will cease to assert itself at your expense.

Daniel M .:

There were rudeness and threats from the teacher. Something like this: “But where did you come from? You’ll open your mouth, they will expel you for your grades. ”

Apparently, she felt her impunity. Recorder helped. The situation was decided by talking with the principal and school administration.

Tatyana Y. (mother):

For the third year in a row, at the beginning of the study course, children in the first quarter are presented with quarter deuces. Then the children only hear from all sides that they are losers and nothing shines for them.

As a result, one child, quiet and calm, stopped studying at all, and the second, proud, became so sharp and aggressive towards teachers that they prefer not to hurt him and put the three in peace. Here, by the way, are examples of successful and unsuccessful resistance.

I had to contact the director and the district education department. Something seems to be starting to change. But maybe it only seems

Since for some reason we cannot change schools, some advise us to threaten with actions to question the professional qualities of teachers.