Why does a child behave badly with his mother, and well with others?

Parents for a small child are not only the closest people, but the whole world. However, many families are faced with this problem: the baby is naughty and rolls tantrums in the presence of his mother, although he remains calm and obedient with all other people. This upsets adults, especially if they are raising a first-born. Is mom really to blame for the baby’s bad behavior? To understand this issue will help the child psychologist Ekaterina Burmistrova.

Ekaterina Burmistrova, psychologist: One of the most frequent requests of parents for counseling is this: why is my child behaving worst with me? He behaves beautifully in the garden. Teachers have no questions for him in the classroom. The nanny says: “We have no problems with him.” And only with mom - mainly addressed to mom - does the child behave just awfully. Often parents, especially if this is the first-born, do not understand what is the matter.

Reason number 1. Trust in parents

Parents are used to looking for the cause of the complex behavior of the child in themselves. If something goes wrong, mom begins to analyze her own actions, believing that it is she who is raising her child incorrectly. In fact, babies throw tantrums when they are brought up strictly, and when they are pampered.

The paradox of the relationship between parents and children is that every child behaves worst with the people he loves the most. More precisely, with those whom he fully trusts. Therefore, tantrums in the presence of mothers are absolutely normal. If the baby is not afraid to express his feelings and emotions in front of the parent, then their relationship can be called healthy. Adults managed to establish a basic level of confidence at which the child is comfortable with them.

Does a child behave well only with his mother - is it normal or an alarm?

Mom should be wary if her child walks along with her, and all the negative emotions are given to the nanny, grandmother, or kindergarten teachers. Fortunately, this behavior is extremely rare and suggests that the baby is afraid or simply does not know the closest person. Usually this is due to the fact that the mother works hard and practically does not appear at home and very rarely sees her own child.

Psychologists say that this type of behavior is not uncommon in Europe, where parents completely shift the responsibilities for raising children to a nanny. In Russia, there are few such families. Therefore, a different situation is standard for our country: the mother devotes all her time to the baby, and he behaves worst of all with her.

When a child trusts his parents, he feels absolutely safe beside them.In such a situation, the baby does not make sense to control his behavior and emotions, although he already does so in the presence of other people.

Reason number 2. Adaptation for adults

A small child under the age of 6 is a chameleon that adapts to adults. Children often repeat phrases that parents say, copy their walk and the way to keep a spoon at the table. He such imitation in the house often happen emergency. Simulating dad's work at the computer, the baby can accidentally unplug the network cable from the outlet, which will lead to data loss. Copying mom's chores around the house, children sprinkle flour throughout the kitchen. All these are natural mechanisms of development, training and self-improvement. The consequences of such games in adults, many even cause laughter and emotion, because in the house grows a real owner or hostess.

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The level of emotional imitation of an ordinary parent sees much worse. When a child behaves badly when his mother comes, and before that he behaved well with another adult, this is a very clear illustration of automatic chameleonism.

Let's say the child was with his grandmother all day, everything was fine with them. During this time, the child adjusted to the grandmother’s type of reactions, her requirements, speed, speech speed, under what the grandmother is happy and unhappy. This happens not at the level of understanding, but at the level of sensations. He does this without thinking how the plant turns to the light, how a dog or cat comes to pity or treat the owner.

When mom comes, she is followed by other requirements, emotional expectations, reactions to different words and types of behavior. However, the child is accustomed to the grandmother's coordinate system. He did not have time to rebuild under his mother. As a result, for some period the child finds himself in two coordinate systems. Due to the fact that he does not have time to switch, the baby becomes confused. Provocative behavior is his a natural reaction that helps you adapt to your mom’s features after a long time spent with grandma. Therefore, temporary disruptions in behavior, tantrums and whims arise.

How to fix a child’s behavior?

The main thing that parents need to do is to stop being offended by the child and blame themselves for being scandalous in their presence. Mom and dad should understand that the baby’s behavior is not addressed to them, but is associated with the natural stage of development. The fact that the child allows himself much more emotions and reactions in the presence of the closest people is the norm. Mom will have to come to terms with the fact that the baby will behave badly with her for some time. To better adapt to such conditions, parents should use the recommendations of psychologists.

We also read: 10 reasons for poor child behavior

Waiting Tactics

When a child’s mood and behavior change dramatically, a woman always begins to think that she is a bad mother. Often grandmothers add fuel to the fire, making stinging remarks: “We get along so well, what did you do that he whimpered right away?”, “But he didn’t act up with me!”

Relatives often begin to compete for the love of a child, so it is better to miss an emotional wave. Psychologist Yekaterina Burmistrova explains that this metaphor is associated with the image of the inland sea, which is in every person. When it is storming from a strong shock, it is better to wait out one wave, and then dive under it. After that, you will find yourself in a comfortable and safe space.

This is exactly what you need to do with the emotional reactions of the child. Need to step back a few steps and wait a bit so that the baby can rebuild. Usually a child leaves a behavioral failure on his own. If he doesn’t succeed, you can help him and say gently: "You are so divided that I see how much you missed me." Just wait. The emotional wave will come down, and the child will become affectionate with his mother, as before.

Family Relationship Control

In most cases, it is better to put up with the fact that for a certain period of time the child’s behavior will get out of control.Than to deal with the mechanisms of development of the baby, it is better to establish certain rules within the family. They will help the child quickly switch from grandmothers and nannies to parents. The best option is to hand over the baby in the arms of mom and leave immediately. After that, she needs to wait a little longer for the baby to return to normal.

It is important to understand that the child will have a certain line of communication with every adult who is closely related to him. It goes about grandparents, nannies, kindergarten teacher, and also about dad if he lives separately. Relations with them are completely different than with mom. Moreover, with each person, the baby manifests itself in different ways. After all, all relatives have their own emotions and reactions, which the child unconsciously copies.

Relations with other people will not be harmful if mom does not show jealousy, aggression, put forward their demands. Such reactions exhaust both adults and children. And most importantly - my mother has no reason to worry. If she devotes enough time to the child, he will always perceive her as the closest person you can trust. Relations with other adults and a change of scenery will only benefit the baby. He will learn to communicate with different people, will learn new information. All this will help him in the future.

Sometimes in a child’s conversation with his grandmother his voice and intonation changes, he can command and manipulate her. If the child behaves this way, then they allow him. Grandmother considers the behavior of the child normal, the baby is also happy with everything. As a result, harmonious relationships are built.

If the mother does not support her grandmother’s view of education at all, they should not drink teas in the presence of the baby. Two different coordinate systems will put him out of balance. It is better to hand over the child sharply and leave.

It is much more difficult to give the baby a dedicated line of communication with dad, who lives separately. In this case, adults will have to forget about their conflicts and try to trust each other, and after a divorce it is very difficult. However, the child may well be allowed separate formats of relations with relatives whom you trust. When the kid goes to school, he will form his own line of communication with the first teacher. Later it will not be difficult for him to make friends.

Because the child is relaxed with his parents, and allows himself a lot. I was in the kindergarten an obedient ideal girl, a tomboy at home. And in the kindergarten I always kept myself within the framework, strangers aunts, was afraid of condemnation, and at home I relaxed with my mother.

We also read:

• How to fix a child’s bad behavior in 7 days: step-by-step instructions
• The child behaves badly: what to do?

There is another side to the coin: Why the baby does not accept any of the relatives and only communicates with mom