Every person has boundaries of personal space, but at the birth of children, the personal boundaries of parents are often “erased”. How to prevent your child from violating them? Advice from the psychologist Anna Smirnova will help you establish personal boundaries and protect your space from children (sometimes this is important). If you are always comfortable when communicating with children, it means that everything is in order with the borders, but if you feel uncomfortable, you should start to defend them!
Yielding to others, allowing them to neglect your personal space, you give in to your territory, narrowing and violating your own boundaries, “stepping” on your throat. Violation of personal space causes protest, irritation, and sometimes anger. If you also have difficulty controlling your emotions, then breaking your boundaries can provoke a loss of energy, a breakdown, and even illness. But before getting annoyed, try to set boundaries for yourself and make others aware of their existence.
With the birth of a child, we are obliged to share our personal space with him, but as the child grows and matures, he needs to allocate a separate territory. If this is not done on time, then you may encounter problems similar to those described in the comments of parents:
- “I can’t even calmly go to the toilet - the child begins to act up and demand that I be near!”
- "Immediately after the birth of my daughter, my personal life came to naught, because now she is sleeping with me, and her husband is in another room on the couch."
- “Adult children do not reckon with me at all: they come to a country house without warning, they put their own rules there.”
If in childhood your parents (or your environment) neglected your personal boundaries, then most likely you yourself will be poorly aware of how to build and protect your space. You will also have problems raising children: it will be more difficult for you to teach them to respect your boundaries.
Ten Tips to Teach Your Child Respect Your Personal Boundaries
Finding a baby in the womb is the first and obvious violation of the personal boundaries of the mother. Occupying the space inside the body, the baby gives the mother many inconveniences, and appearing in the house requires even more attention and time. Now it is necessary to share territory, food with him, to create safe conditions for the baby.
This path has passed each of us. Parents give children life and conditions, passing on their accumulated experience. This is a natural life process, but for some reason, many parents still encounter misunderstanding and pain.
Violation of personal space inevitably causes conflicts - until the parents realize the value of their borders and begin to protect them.
Signs that your personal space was violated in childhood:
- anyone could use your things, and the attempt to defend one’s was called greed;
- You did not feel safe because you were subjected to physical punishment;
- your inner world has been devalued or ridiculed;
- your attempts to fend for yourself were stopped categorically.
That is why, having matured, you too will often suffer from breaking your borders. Perhaps you yourself will do something so that your personal boundaries practically cease to exist. The behavior of your child, trying to defend his own, will annoy and anger you.
Nevertheless, you can learn to protect your inner world, teach your child to defend his own and respect someone else's space. How to do this?
- First of all, you must be aware of the fact that being a parent means being able to share your personal space with your child. And it’s wonderful that we have the power to equip the life of a new man, sharing his own values with him and in contact with childhood again.
- Defend your space, noticing what is of value to you. You must decide what you are ready to share with the child, and what is taboo for him. For instance, choosing a joint dream, you must realize that adults, not children, are responsible for intimate relationships.
- People should realize that your space must not be disturbed. Protect what is important to you - for example, personal care products should be kept away from children's eyes. When you need to devote more time to work, your hobby or just to be alone, you should be able to explain this to children and other household members.
- Take care of the child’s space as well, helping to organize it so that it is age-appropriate. For example, toys that seem old to you may be your favorite for your offspring.
- You must also appreciate the space of all family members and show your child that you respect the personal boundaries of household members. If the father forbids touching his mobile phone, then you should not let the child take it when dad is not around.
- Appreciate and care for your body. Do not let your child beat you even as a joke. Explain to him that only inanimate objects can be beaten. Try to allocate time for rest every day - the child should not be constantly in your arms.
- Explain to children that no one is allowed to specifically hurt them or disrespect their body. Physical punishment is unacceptable due to the fact that at the time of their implementation the child completely loses the sense of security and forms a relationship to himself as an object that is not valued.
- Explore your own inner world. Even if you are scared to look inside yourself, you need to do this. Having learned what is most valuable to you, it will become much easier for you to convey this information to your loved ones and to orient yourself precisely what values you will begin to uphold in the first place. For example, doing needlework, you assert your right to have a hobby and to devote personal time to it. Try to learn to feel your own value, as well as transmit it through your actions, thoughts and actions.
- Respect the views of children, their interests and feelings. Listening to the teenager with respect and trying to understand what exactly he is guided by, preferring computer games to communication with peers, accepting his choice of style or music, you will lose problems with violation and your personal space.
- You must also teach your child to respect others. Some people prefer to condemn and criticize in order to feel their worth. Remember: if you constantly criticize children, they will doubt the value of your own inner world for you, which most likely will provoke a violation of your borders.
Guided by these tips, you will be able to designate and observe both your own and children's space. And of course, while observing personal boundaries, do not forget about kindness and mercy, without slipping into elementary egoism.
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To do this, the baby needs to be explained that the parents are the same people as him, and that they also need to spend time doing something. But to say that at the moment when they are busy, they do it all exclusively for the good of the child.
From early childhood I tried to explain to my children about the rules of behavior, and made sure that everyone had their own personal things. I have never demanded that a child share with anyone if he does not want to. If the child visited the toilet, then tried not to enter the room and not to interfere. Children quickly understand what they can and what can’t, and even when I was sleeping or sick, they could play calmly. What I can’t say about my girlfriend’s children are her and her bed and toilet, and I can take guests away.