Hello! My name is Tutta Larsen. This is Adult Transmission on TUTTA TV. How to get out of the decree? Is there an answer to this question? I hope that we will find it today with our expert psychologist Larisa Surkova. Here, Larisa:
Family psychologist Larisa Surkova: how to get out of the decree
Tutta: Is there any chance for a woman who is stuck in maternity leave to get out without surgical intervention?
Larisa Surkova: Get out? Well of course there is. Of course, there is life after the decree and during the decree. She must exist, she exists. And it is very important that the woman herself wants this.
Tutta: We offer you only 5 steps that will help you return to a more or less active life while remaining a good mom.
Point 1. Do I want to get out of the decree and what does this mean for me?
Very often, we simply don’t understand what is at stake. After all, a decree is not a feature that can be stepped over - and you have already left it, here they are, open doors. The decree, and the way out of it are some actions, these are some changes in your life. So ask yourself the question: what do I want? What do I want to change? And according to our already established tradition, try to write it on a piece of paper: what changes I'm waiting for.
Point 2. Look at yourself in the mirror. Do not be shy, be honest with yourself
Go to the mirror, examine yourself with a rather critical look. And say: "I guess I need to change something in myself." Not all, but, as a rule, some changes are needed. What would you like to change in yourself? I really like this method when you approach a mirror with a marker that is well-erased, and you notice right on the mirror: the hair is shorter, the skirt is more authentic, the legs are straighter, the kilograms fit such a silhouette. They say that plastic surgeons do this before the operation, they draw everything directly on the person. And we draw on the mirror. Change yourself at least with the help of these boundaries, this marker in the mirror. Make clear for yourself how you would like to look when the big world can see you again.
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Point 3. Solve family matters
Worse not, if you went out of work on a maternity leave and dragged a bag of problems with you. And your employer, instead of getting a cool worker in your face who will solve his tasks, solve some business issues, gets new problems: “Oh, I have a sick leave, the child is not attached, the nanny is late, the guard was with my husband at all” . You dragged it all with you. Not! We leave everything at home. Decide who is involved with the children. Make a schedule. If you get someone to help, maybe grandmother or nanny, there must be a specific schedule so that you are not pulled. Imagine, you are sitting at a meeting, and your phone is torn: “What now?” Where are the socks? What to eat? What to take? " Everything needs to be prepared in advance. Then you will calmly leave the decree. You will be sure that the house is quiet and smooth.
We also read: 7 arguments not to be afraid to go to work after the decree
Item 4. Prepare the children
Because this is the anchor (we have such a term in psychology - the anchor) that will hold you. If you know that your child did not let you go, if he sobs at home or in the garden, beats in hysteria, you will think about him. You will not be engaged in your career, you will not solve issues at work, you will constantly think about the child. Therefore, a very important point: if you decide to leave the decree - give yourself time. To leave the decree does not mean tomorrow. Lay at least 2-3 months. This is the period necessary to adapt your children to new living conditions. This time will pass - and you will go to work in a good mood, in a cheerful state of mind, and you will be ready to solve any problems.
Point 5. You must understand exactly how much for you and for your family your way out of the decree
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If it turns out that the salary that you will receive is much lower than the money you have to invest in a nanny, in a housekeeper, in your grandmother, kindergarten, something else, then perhaps your motivation will not be very long. Because how do we see this for ourselves? Now I’m all so beautiful, in high heels, in a short skirt, in the office, here I have a coffee break, here I have lunch, chat with the girls. But when a person lives in this for 2-3 months and recalls that at home you can lie on a sofa with a little book at lunch time while the child has gone to classes, or you can take a walk at all, I can go on vacation for 3 months, from anyone not to depend and not wait for these two weeks, which still do not give in the summer, the motivation starts to fade. The material component - it is still important in our lives. If your goal is just to ventilate, get some good impressions, good emotions, crackle, switch, that is, dubious, it is better to think about how to organize your leisure time. To meet friends, to go out with her husband to the theater, to arrange some kind of romantic evenings. Go camping, after all. Find a use for yourself in another.
Tutta: Tell me, please, we did not discuss the time, age boundary, when, in principle, it makes sense for mom to think about leaving the decree. Is this a year?
Larisa Surkova: In fact, each family decides in its own way. Let's be honest that moms are different. There are workaholic mothers who are eager, who want to work, and feel comfortable at work, and want to go there as soon as possible. And at home they feel bad. They are uncomfortable with these diapers, vests. For some it can be a year, for someone it can be six months. Because from the position of the child, the quality of time spent with him is still very important, and not just the quantity.
We also read:Going to work after maternity leave: how to do it so as not to injure the child
In order to get out of the decree, I carefully thought out everything and prepared, as they say for all occasions. This is a very important moment, both for mother and baby, because the rhythm of mother’s life is changing, you need to plan everything correctly to manage everything. Of course, my grandmother helped me, she was always on the alert in emergency situations and ran to my call. If it weren’t for her, I don’t know how I would have handled it.
On the contrary, I could not wait for the baby to be two years old to give her to the garden and go back to work. At home, of course, it's good, but you need to understand that combining home and work, with proper planning, is quite realistic.
But in fact it is. No matter how much we love our children, life after their birth does not end. We also remain the wives and children of our parents. Therefore, I believe that leaving the decree should be meaningful, but it is not worth delaying. At home, brains die, proven by their own experience.