The husband does not want children: possible causes and tactics to overcome them

Sooner or later in every woman’s life comes the stage when she begins to think about children. It would seem that everything is wonderful: beloved husband, financial stability, own living space ... Only one “but”: the very “beloved husband” categorically does not want children. There can be many reasons for this, both subjective and quite real. Therefore, before throwing a scandal and file for divorce, you need to try to understand the situation and, if possible, come to a common denominator.

So, we will consider the most common causes of male unwillingness to become a father, as well as options for eliminating them.

Problem 1: Fear of Responsibility

Of course, the appearance in the family of the baby is a huge responsibility for both parents: moral, financial and legal. A man is not always ready to “hang” an additional burden on his shoulders, especially if he is not classified as a responsible person in life. Even in adolescence, trying to protect children from rash acts, parents often scare them with the obligations that an unplanned pregnancy conceals. Even after many years, when the man is already married, the birth of a child still seems to him something negative.

Decision: We must try to show my husband that adding to the family is not something frightening and unknown, but great joy. Invite friends and relatives with children to visit or yourself at their place more often. When your spouse sees that young parents have not turned into tortured zombies, crushed by a burden of responsibility, and enjoy their new role, he can reconsider his views.

Problem 2: Husband psychologically “not matured” for paternity

The real age of the man in this case does not matter. He may be 20 or 40 years old, but he does not feel the internal readiness for having a baby. Such infantilism, as a rule, is associated with long-standing psychological problems: the costs of education, when the child was not instilled with independence on time, when he suffered from a lack of male influence. Perhaps he grew up in an incomplete family or his father disappeared for days at work and did not have the opportunity to deal with his son. Be that as it may, it will not be easy for a woman to cope with this situation. Sometimes you have to resort to the help of a professional psychologist.

Decision: If you and your spouse are both still young, then psychologists advise you as a “training” to have a pet that will require care and attention to yourself, but to a lesser extent than a child. The husband realizes what it means to take care of someone else besides himself, he will understand that there is nothing scary in this, and gradually he will come to the conclusion that the child is also not the worst thing in the world. The situation is much more complicated if the spouse is older than you, he is a mature mature man, but still not ready to become a father. Here the fact that he does not see you as the mother of his children, but perceives himself as a child, can play a role. Then you need to work on your behavior: get rid of infantilism, whims, become more serious, responsible and independent, so that your husband understands that you are quite capable of coping with the role of mother.

Problem 3: Financial Instability

If a man is fully aware of the degree of responsibility to his family, then he wants to prepare a stable financial platform before giving birth to a child. This is a logical and correct desire, however, in the modern world it is not always possible to quickly get on one’s feet. Especially if you were married while still a student, live in a rented apartment and do not have a stable income. In such a situation, perhaps it’s really worth postponing the issue of children for a couple of years, because spending with the advent of the baby will increase significantly. But there are also frequent cases where both spouses have sufficient income, they have their own housing and do not have a lot of debts, however, the husband believes that the financial base has not yet been created.

Decision: The concept of “many” and “little” in the monetary issue is very relative. Your spouse may be making excessive demands on you through your fault. Then the only way out is to moderate your appetites: do not endlessly spend money on fur coats, handbags, shoes and cosmetologists, but try to save money (only on yourself - not on your husband!). Also, you should not constantly argue that children need all the best, that they need to be taken on vacation, given to all kinds of circles, and cite wealthy families who spend huge amounts of money on children. Of course, this only scares your husband. But when he realizes that you are able to spend less and do not plan to buy a future stroller a golden stroller and a pot from Versace, he will be able to breathe a sigh of relief.

Problem 4: Uncertainty in a wife

Often, women are faced with a situation where they have been married for several years, the husband categorically does not want children, it comes to divorce ... And just six months later, they find out that the husband has remarried and a replenishment is expected in the new family. Which conclusion follows from this? He did not want children from you. Then you need to think about why. The reason may be a banal distrust. You do not work and are financially dependent on your husband - then he has the right to suspect you of a mercenary intention to “tie” him to himself as a child. You allow yourself to flirt with other men - your husband cannot guarantee that you are faithful to him. Do not care about your spouse, do not show enough attention - he does not consider you a good wife and mistress.

Decision: Carefully analyze your behavior. First, you need to get a job and, if possible, gain financial independence: this will benefit you in any situation. Be more discreet in the presence of strangers: even if you do not mean anything bad, your spouse has the right to be jealous. Show him more care, be careful and kind, so that your husband realizes that you are able to take care of him and the future baby. But if the whole matter is not in you, but simply the faithful fell out of love, met another and does not plan further life together ... In such a situation, it is hardly possible to help and prolong the separation does not make sense. First of all, you should think about yourself: a man can become a father at 60, but for a woman to give birth to her first child after 40 is already problematic.

Problem 5: Banal Selfishness

A man wants to “live for himself”: to travel a lot, to go to restaurants and parties for his pleasure or to disappear day and night in the garage in the company of his beloved four-wheeled friend. And the birth of a child is seen by him only as an undesirable hindrance to a saturated and fascinating life.

Decision: Make it clear to her husband that life does not stop with the birth of a baby. Communicate more with couples who have already managed to have children, but who do not sit safely in four walls. Explain to your spouse that you do not plan to load up on his ears with the responsibilities of raising a child, and he will have more than enough time for himself. Only in this case, the main thing is not to overdo it - after all, you may need help with a child in the future.

Problem 6: Negative experience of someone from the environment

Perhaps one of the husband’s friends or relatives didn’t get married after the birth of the first child, or they fell into a “debt hole”, or a sick child was born in the family. Or maybe the spouse himself grew up in an incomplete or large family, which barely made ends meet.

Decision: Explain to your husband that you are not required to repeat someone’s fate. Your life is in your hands, and there are no fewer positive examples than negative ones.

Problem 7: Medical Causes

Here are the options. Either in the family you or your husband had cases of hereditary diseases that could be transmitted to your unborn children. Or the spouse himself has problems with reproductive function and he cannot have children. It happens that the disease that caused infertility can be completely eliminated, but a man for some reason does not want to be examined and treated, and often does not want to admit the presence of health problems, because for him this is tantamount to recognizing his male bankruptcy.

Decision: In this situation, you can not do without the help of a specialist: a doctor dealing with male infertility or a medical geneticist. If the problem is so serious that it cannot be solved even with the help of doctors, then there is always the option of adoption. This is a serious step requiring an absolutely informed decision, but often it becomes the only way out and the key to a happy family life.

General recommendations

And in conclusion, a few more tips that will help establish contact between spouses:

1. Talk with your husband, discuss contentious issues. Men are secretive creatures, not inclined to advertise their problems: one may hide under the guise of another, and he will never tell about the third at all ... Therefore, often before a wife manages to get to the middle of this psychological “nesting doll”, a lot of time passes.
2. Try to find a common language with your husband’s environment: with relatives, friends. Sometimes the negative ideas of a man about paternity are a reflection of the opinions of people close to him.
3. Do not push the man too much. You need to convince him gradually, gradually leading to the idea that the birth of a child is a wonderful and long-awaited event.
4. What definitely does not need to be done is to get pregnant “secretly”, hoping that the husband will melt as soon as he sees his son or daughter. Unfortunately, practice shows that this is not so at all, and the close relationship that is formed between the mother and the child at the stage of pregnancy, bypasses the father.
5. Think of yourself. If you can’t cope with the situation and the husband categorically does not intend to have children, then you need to clearly set priorities for yourself. What is most important to you in life: being with this particular person or becoming a mother? Your further actions will depend on the answer to this question.

We also read:

• 5 problems that can be solved by single mothers
• 7 signs that a man is not happy to be a father
• The husband abandoned the child: what to do
• How to find out if your husband wants a baby
• I gave birth to a baby for myself - mom's story

My man does not want to have children, what to do and what to do

Clinical psychologist Veronika Stepanova reveals the reasons why a man is not ready to have children, and also explains how to solve this difficult question: