Most women raising children alone feel pressure from the public. They are constantly harassed by the condemnation and pity of others, and the second option is no better than the first. Often this situation affects not only the psychological state of women, but also affects the child. A psychologist will help a single mother get rid of prejudice and competently build communication with her child.
It would seem that in the modern world you will not be surprised at the status of a single mother. According to statistics, more and more women prefer to raise a child on their own, without even trying to attract their father to this process. Nevertheless, our mentality does not allow such an idea to take root firmly in public consciousness. People continue to condemn single mothers even if it was not a conscious choice for them, but an extremely undesirable and unexpected situation. Let's try to understand the problems that every single mother faces at a certain stage.
Problem 1. Negative public opinion
Favorite hobby of society - hang labels. As soon as people encounter an incomplete family, where for some reason their father is absent, they begin with an admixture of pity and conviction to draw in front of their mother far from the most bright prospects:
“A boy without a father will never become a real man”, “A child will feel flawed all his life”, “She doesn’t want to get married - she’d even think about a child” ...
If the initiative on independent upbringing of a child comes from the woman herself, the public begins to resent:
“For the sake of children it was possible to tolerate”, “Men don’t need other people's children”, “A divorced woman with children will not be happy with her personal life” ...
etc…
A woman voluntarily or involuntarily begins to try on these disappointing forecasts for herself and her child, and her already psychologically unstable state can finally be shaken. She closes in herself, negates all contacts with others and lives in maximum isolation.
Decision. First you need to get rid of the stereotypes itself. Do not think that the opinion of the public is the ultimate truth. The people around you for the most part are no better (no smarter, no more experienced) than you. They perceive everything around through the prism of their own worldview and life experience, which can differ significantly from yours. The conventional expression “from a better view” does not work here. Only you yourself can determine what is best for you and your child and how you can continue to build life.
Trust yourself, your instincts, your actions, choice, opinion and do not try to compare yourself with relatives and acquaintances.Put your interests and the interests of your baby to the fore. Talk more with positive or neutral people who are ready to support you.
Problem 2. Loneliness
This feeling is familiar to any single mother. Even if it was her conscious, balanced decision, a woman usually endures the absence of a “male shoulder”. It is important for any of us to be able to share our feelings and emotions with someone, discuss the latest news, and tell about the successes of our son or daughter. Unrealized need for communication, accumulating, leads to depression and nervous disorders.
In nature, a woman has a need to create a home, gathering relatives and close people around him, to give warmth and care. And when she is left alone with the child at the hearth, this leads to confusion and longing.
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These emotions are especially aggravated in situations emphasizing its isolation: silence and emptiness in the apartment in the evening hours, when the baby has already fallen asleep; “Family” weekend walks together with a child. If at the same time communication with friends is lost who do not know how to contact with the spouses after their divorce, or are simply afraid to distract their mother from their son or daughter, then the emptiness in the woman’s life comes to the fore.
Decision. The most important thing is to perceive loneliness not as your cross in life, but as a temporary, annoying, but inevitable, nuisance. Find your advantages in this state: finally there is the opportunity to do your favorite hobby, read an interesting book, sit quietly on the Internet, the freedom not to adapt to the wishes of your partner ... Try to make a list of at least 10 points. Written completion of the assignment will help to focus and more clearly articulate your thoughts.
Then you can proceed directly to the implementation of all these points. Do needlework, cooking, read more, get a pet, chat on social networks or invite friends or relatives to visit. It is necessary that others also understand that you are ready for communication.
Active actions. Fear stops action, action stops fear. Remember this rule and be active. New acquaintances, new leisure, a new hobby, a new pet - any activity that will help you not to feel lonely and fill the space around yourself with interesting people and activities is suitable.
Problem 3. Pangs of conscience over a child
“Deprived the child of the father”, “Could not save the family”, “Doomed the child to an inferior life” - this is only a small part of what the woman blames herself for. Moreover, every day she is faced with a variety of everyday situations that make her feel even more guilty: she could not buy a toy for her child because she did not earn enough money, or did not pick up in time from the kindergarten, because she was afraid to leave the job early .
It always seems to the mother who is raising a child that she is not giving him something, that the baby feels inferior, because it grows without a father. Others add fuel to the fire, saying: “the child needs a firm hand”, “the father would not allow such a thing”, etc. Therefore, even ordinary situations where a mother cannot buy her son an expensive toy, and her daughter’s new-fashioned dress, are perceived with a hypertrophied guilt.
At the same time, the mother seeks to indulge all the children's whims, overprotects a child, seeks to control every step that does not benefit both of them. The kid grows up to be independent, unable to fend for himself, moreover, he quickly learns to manipulate his mother and uses it right and left.
Decision. First you need to understand that the real harm to the child is caused not by the absence of the father, but by the fact that you constantly bite yourself about this. Feeling guilty makes you unhappy, does not adequately assess and build relationships with your child.Try to analyze (or rather write down) what exactly you are to blame for, whether there is an opportunity to somehow rectify the situation, whether it is possible to atone in some way for your guilt.
And perhaps behind a feeling of guilt lies aggression, fear, resentment, self-doubt? You need to be as honest with yourself, only then the situation can be corrected.
Problem 4. Women's education
This problem is especially relevant if the father does not communicate with the child at all. Children should see two types of behavior: male and female. They need to learn to build family relationships using the example of father and mother, to determine who has what role, what responsibilities are in the family. For a boy, his father is a role model who educates in him such qualities as responsibility, honesty, courage. And the girl learns to interact with the opposite sex through her father.
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Of course, if all the educational functions are carried out only by the mother, children are not enough male influence. They see only one model of behavior and begin to try it on themselves. In this case, the child may later have problems communicating with the opposite sex. Nevertheless, the situation is resolvable.
Decision. It is necessary that the child spend more time with relatives and male friends. Involve grandfathers, uncles, older brothers to communicate with him. Communicate more with couples so that your baby can also see an example of family relationships.
Going to the cinema with grandfather, doing homework with uncle, going camping with friends - this will be a great opportunity for a child to learn various types of male behavior.
If possible, it is better to maintain communication with the father of the child, do not neglect this, no matter how great your resentment. By mutual desire, they can spend weekends together, make any trips. Your participation in this is not so necessary. If the child can be entrusted to the father for some time, then this is the best option.
Problem 5. Difficulties in personal life
Single mothers often rush to two extremes. Some put their personal lives on the altar of serving the child. They spend all their free time with him, completely “dissolves” in his interests and desires. They simply do not have time for themselves. Or they don’t need it: for fear that the new husband may not accept his son or daughter, he will not be able to love someone else’s child as his own, the woman does not try to have any relationship.
The second option is diametrically opposite. A single mother is so keen to get rid of this “shameful stigma” as quickly as possible, that she is ready to almost jump out to marry the first person she meets. She may not even pay attention to the personal qualities of a man, to his willingness to raise someone else's child.
Trying to quickly get rid of this "stigma" and tormented by guilt in front of the child, a woman often enters into a new relationship that she does not like or for which she is not yet ready. It is simply vital for her that someone else is with her, and the child has a father. At the same time, the personal qualities of a new partner often fade into the background.
Popular stereotypes play an important role here: “who needs her with a child”, “no one will look at a divorce woman” ... Therefore, if there is a man who is ready to marry her, despite all the circumstances, she starts to rush things too much.
Of course, both options are unacceptable for both mother and baby. They both will feel miserable and blame themselves in this situation.
In both the first and second situations, the woman sacrifices herself and ultimately remains unhappy. In both the first and second situations, the child will suffer. In the first case - because he will see the suffering of his mother next to an inappropriate person. In the second - because she will see the mother’s suffering alone and blame herself for it.
Decision. Stop and think.What is your desire or unwillingness to enter into a new marriage based on? Are you doing this at the behest of your heart or trying to please a child? Are you in a hurry or procrastinate? Or maybe you are driven by fear to repeat your past bad experience? Think about why you want a new relationship that drives you: guilt, loneliness, or the desire to be happy?
In any case, you have nowhere to rush. Start looking for a life partner only when you realize that you are really ready for this. And do not be afraid to cause jealousy or resentment on the part of the child. Remember the main maternal commandment: happy mother - happy her children!
We also read:
- The husband does not want children: possible causes and tactics to overcome them
- The husband abandoned the child: what to do
- I gave birth to a baby for myself - mom's story
- How to survive a divorce with two children: 7 options for mom
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What problems excite single mothers, how can I help them? The video discusses the issues of comprehensive assistance to single mothers, examines the psychological problems associated with children, social, family relationships and ways to solve them:
The situation is not unambiguous, if the family is not complete, then there are good reasons for this, and to endure an unhappy life is also not an option, it is better to be alone. On the other hand, it must be borne in mind that not every second husband will love your child as much as you and the question will love at all and will not offend. Here you need to weigh everything and live for your pleasure. And when a decent person appears, then build a life with him.
My girlfriend is a single mother. I marvel at how much power she has! Yes, when she found out that she was pregnant, naturally she wanted a completely different life. She wanted to get married, and so they all became a full-fledged family. She is well done. In order for her daughter to have everything, she early left the work decree in order to bring an extra penny to the house. He spares nothing for the child, giving her all of himself and all his strength. She, of course, has some problems in her personal life - either there is not enough time for men, then the fear that her daughter will not be loved by another man as much as she loves. But I'm sure she will succeed!
The main thing for a woman in a similar situation is not to get hung up on her loneliness. You can have a great time with your child without a father - go to the cinema, to the park, etc. You need to develop yourself, read, learn something new.
I absolutely do not understand such women who are afraid of loneliness. Mother and child are already a family. After all, it all depends on the person. If you surround yourself and your child with care, love, interests, then life will be a joy.
I raised my son alone.Yes, it was a shame that he grows up without a father. But I decided that if only we did not need someone. The rigor of my upbringing was enough for my son.
Plus, I’m a self-sufficient person and didn’t particularly worry that there was no husband. I am happy on my own and I passed this state on to my son.