Family - a small world with its laws, rules, traditions. The child receives his first communication experience in the family. At first, the baby communicates with mom and dad, and then another child appears, and the familiar world of the baby changes.
A whole kaleidoscope of feelings captures the child, and later his brother or sister.
Regardless of the nature, the competition between children in the family most often arises on the basis of jealousy of parents. Gradually, the struggle can develop into open conflicts, which both children and their loved ones lead to stress.
Children feel close to each other, related, but at the same time they want to get more from their parents and begin to compete. What feelings will prevail in babies depends largely on their parents.
How to behave and not allow children's jealousy to lead to a feeling of loneliness, disunity and isolation.
Why the conflict
Do not panic if your children endlessly quarrel about and without it. In any case, your children learn to communicate both among themselves and with other members of society. It is in your power to adjust their relationship.
A child under three years old feels a very strong attachment to parents, especially to his mother. If the second child is given more time, this becomes an occasion for resentment and authoritarian behavior of the older baby. The first-born can begin to offend even very young children, pinching, spanking, until you see this.
The youngest child manipulates his age, solves problems from the position of the weak, because parents often scold the eldest baby. At the same time, the second child can also be jealous of the parents for the first, feeling that he is more experienced and skilled.
For each age difference between children, conflicts can manifest themselves in different ways. If the difference is very small, 2-3 years, the struggle is for spheres of influence and attention on the part of parents. With a larger difference, children compete for the approval of their actions by their mom and dad. With a very large difference of about 10 years, the struggle is for personal space and also for understanding relatives.
In any case, if the children in the family have a conflict, then at least one of them feels deprived of something.
Favorite - Unloved
Think about whether it turned out in the family that one of the children turned out to be more loved by you. Even if you love both babies equally, think about whether your behavior gives an occasion to one of the children to consider himself unloved. A child who does not feel love and affection for himself is mentally traumatized, he will try to evoke your approval all the time, to draw attention to himself by any means.Explicit pet, as a rule, is spoiled and not ready for independent life, does not know how to make serious decisions, is very dependent.
In both cases, both children suffer.
You must clearly imagine how to divide the time into children so that none of them feel flawed and lonely.
Location, space and property
Try to each child to allocate personal space, a place for his things, toys. Awareness of ownership reveals individuality.
Even if you live in a small apartment, let each child have his own corner, where he himself will become the master. Do not let each other grab things, teach to ask permission to take something for personal use of a sister or brother.
Do not allocate one of the children, if one has personal space, then the second should provide it. Take into account the interests and needs of each child, do not make a nursery in one style, if only one likes it. Be interested in the opinions of each child.
Deprived of attention
Do not let yourself forget to communicate with one of the children, always take time for both. In addition to common games and activities that will unite you as a family, devote time to each separately, this will make it clear to the kids that they are loved and important, let no one interfere and interfere with you. It is important that all members of the family spend time with the children; you cannot send one to the grandmother while the second is taken to the circus, if he is also interested and age-appropriate.
If there is a big difference in age, show your teenage child that, despite the appearance of crumbs in your life, his more adult problems, successes, anxieties and joys still excite you, and you are always ready to be near and help.
Unique children
Prove to your children that each of them is unique, if one can do something better, then the other is interesting and competent in the other. Say that you both love them the way they are, that it’s great, that they are different and both are so unique.
Never allow yourself to praise only one child in the presence of other people. Do not compare children with each other, this will only increase competition, because everyone will try to become better in your eyes.
Take into account that your children are different, they have different hobbies, passions, desires. Do not equate their needs, to the question “why the elder got more pancakes”, you can answer that he needs more to eat, and ask “are you still hungry”.
In the same boat
Try to give arguing children an agreement. Let them try to come to a consensus.
Try to give them a common task, for example, to help you with something, a common cause - unites. Let the children have a common secret, for example, together they can prepare a birthday present for dad, keeping this a secret from him. During common family games, let the children not be competitors, but allies, put them on the same team.
Do not create alliances and do not keep secrets with only one of the children.
Do not support the sneak, always say that doing so is bad.
Specify Statuses
Let each of the children be aware of their status. Tell the elder that after the appearance of the younger brother, he is now equal to you, your assistant, the baby will be pleased to think that he is now an adult, and if so, then he should behave accordingly.
Let the younger one understand that he is not alone in the family, that, despite his age, he has his own opinion.
Try not to interfere in the conflict, if it is not serious, even negative communication is the experience of contact with another person.
Remember that competition among children, a normal phenomenon, is in your power to direct the struggle in a peaceful direction so that children grow up in mutual understanding and support, feeling that they are native people. Your efforts will certainly bear fruit, friendship and confidence in each other will help brothers and sisters to feel support in life.
We also read:
- My mum! Only mine! - or a few words about child jealousy
- Why is the oldest child jealous of the youngest? What should parents do?
Family relationships with several children
Doctor of Psychology, Professor G. G. Filippova tells about the feelings that all family members with several children have in relation to each other.
Under no circumstances should children be asked “whom do you love more” and not allow them to formulate a request like this! And never set another child as an example, saying "this one is doing so well, but you look at yourself." I know from my own experience! Equal approach and fair will resolve all conflicts. Children are fighting for the attention of parents, so you need to give it equally!
At the time the second child appeared in our family, the first was 5 years old. The eldest, of course, well done, jealousy, as such, was not. We tried hard not to admire the baby with him. But the younger with growing up constantly began to show signs of jealousy. Repels the elder, if I hug him, even hits and bites. But he is only two years old and I understand that he considers me his property. my husband and I distributed the load. He is often with the elder or leave them alone. And we allocate a time when you can only be with the elder in private.
In general, with a competent approach by parents, all this rivalry will go away over time. As an example, my elder brother and I had no conflicts, real wars. However, when he was eight years old, everything came to naught, although, I continued to do minor dirty tricks to him. I stopped only when I fully realized what the difference between a girl and a boy and “boy” toys I do not need. I think the change in his behavior is connected with exactly the same thing. Although we have never discussed this. Now I have two daughters. It can’t do without quarrels, but due to the not very large difference in the age and same sex of children, it is possible to keep everything within the “ceasefire agreement”. Grow up, explain, I think.