The appearance of a second baby is a great joy for parents and a lot of stress for an older child. Often, he begins to be capricious, stubborn, demanding increased attention to himself. And the first-born can be understood, because now he has to share parental care with his brother or sister. How to prevent childhood jealousy, or at least smooth out its manifestation in relation to younger children?
Signs of Childhood Jealousy
Psychologists are sure that the oldest child is experiencing a kind of “overthrow from the throne,” when another baby appears in the family. And indeed, now it is necessary to share toys, your own “living space” and, most importantly, mom’s love.
Sometimes jealousy for the youngest child is obvious - older children select dolls and cars, they say that they do not like a new member of the family. But often little tricks do not show a special hostility to the baby, and only attentive parents will be able to notice signs of jealousy in the behavior of the first-born.
- Due to strong feelings, especially sensitive children may experience such nervous reactions as stuttering, tic.
- Difficulty falling asleep, restless sleep, often waking up all night, fear of darkness, which is associated with a feeling of loneliness.
- Frequent tantrums are alarming, especially if they have not happened before.
- The kid refuses his previously beloved activities: walking on the street, reading fairy tales, watching cartoons, visiting the kindergarten.
- Two-three-year-old children often experience regression of acquired skills and abilities - children begin again suck pacifierrefuse to go to the potty.
Why are older children jealous of younger ones?
Before you understand how to smooth out the manifestation of children's jealousy, you should identify those factors that contribute to the emergence of this feeling.
- Too small or big age difference between children. In the first case (the difference is 2-3 years), the older child himself needs care and, of course, in mother's care and love. The greater the difference, the sharper he begins to feel the anxiety and uncertainty that arise with the advent of the baby.
- Children's egocentrism. Older children, accustomed to the fact that the whole world is spinning around them, consider themselves the best and indispensable for their mothers and fathers. The appearance in the family of a second child is often perceived by them as a real betrayal. Hence the negative emotions and protest.
- Toddlers of the same sex or older are a boy. It is believed that rivalry between same-sex children is especially strong. Psychologists are also sure that it is much easier to attract a girl to care for a newborn due to her innate maternal instinct and the need to look after the younger ones.
- Lack of parental attention. The kid is jealous of the mother and father, who spend all their strength and free time on the newborn baby.
- Parental mistakes. Sometimes adults are indifferent to what happens between children. It happens that the elder is relocated to another room or even sent to his grandmother, without asking for his desire.
- Change mode. Sometimes parents change the usual daily routine of older children, adjusting it to the mode that is convenient for infants. It is not surprising that such a step can cause jealousy for the youngest child.
The list of possible reasons is far from exhaustive, but one can also conclude from it that much in the problem of children's jealousy depends on the correct behavior of parents and their attitude towards their children.
Avoiding jealousy - expecting a baby together
A child, regardless of age, is able to feel the mood swings of his mother, who is in an "interesting position". Psychologists advise to speak with the first-born in advance, to share news about the addition to the family.
- Emphasize all the benefits of having babies in a conversation with an older child. Tell us that in the future they will be able to go to the park together and play on the playground. In general, create a pleasant association with the birth of a second baby.
- However, do not get carried away with the description of the many pluses and warn the child in advance that the newborn will not be able to immediately ride a bicycle with him or play with dolls. Explain to the baby that at first it is necessary to take care of the youngest, to teach everything that he can do.
- All innovations and changes in children's life should be carried out before the birth of the second child. Weaning, adaptation to kindergarten (detailed article on adapting to kindergarten), moving to a separate room should not cause the baby the feeling that he is being blocked off from his mother due to the appearance of a new family member.
- The first-born will be able to feel involvement in an important event, if you attract him to purchase a crib, rattles, strollers and clothes for the baby. Ask the baby to help with the choice of name, together pick up a gift and draw a beautiful picture for the newborn.
The appearance of the youngest child in the house
The first months after the birth of the second baby are perhaps the most difficult for the mother. She is completely occupied by the newborn and may miss the moment of jealousy in the elder. How to prevent this problem?
- Do not drive the curious child away from the baby, let him be the first to see a new member of the family and touch his hand. Give the first-born small assignments (for example, bring a diaper) so that he can feel his importance and become a mother's assistant.
- And at the same time, you should not overload the older baby with caring for a newborn and force him to play with him without much desire. Believe me, such rash behavior will cause irritation and hostility in the baby.
- Try sharing your baby care responsibilities with your spouse (how to attract a husband to care for a child) Do not refuse the help of grandmothers (the role of grandmothers in raising children), then you will have more time for the older child, and he will not be jealous of the youngest.
- Try not to radically change the regime of the first-born day. Joint activities with mom, walks, reading books at night should remain in his daily routine. If you notice a change in behavior, take a few minutes to talk “heart to heart”.
8 important rules for dealing with children
If you were unable to avoid childhood jealousy, and the relationship between the kids is only getting worse, it's time to take control of the situation.
- Try to be equally fond of both children. The same goes for other relatives. Jealousy can increase several times if the family ceases to notice the firstborn, paying all the attention to the baby. Conduct an appropriate conversation with your close circle.
- Remind the oldest child that the youngest member of the family loves him and reaches out to him much more than to the others.Every time, emphasize the closeness of the children so as not to leave a single chance to rivalry.
- In the event of a conflict, do not immediately take the side of the youngest child. Be sure to find out the reasons for the quarrel. If the scandal occurred because of a toy, try to find such a use for it so that kids can play together with a doll or typewriter.
- Three-year-old children begin to consider themselves the full owners of toys, cribs, etc. Therefore, do not force the older child to share their property. Leave him the right to play separately and do not impose each other's crumbs on the crumbs. We read in detail about the crisis in children of 3 years >>>
- In the process of caring for a newborn, do not forget the simple rule for all family members and relatives - give gifts to both children. Jealousy for the younger will intensify many times if the older baby will be deprived of purchases and new things.
- Don't be annoyed if an older child refuses to help you or does something wrong. Any careless word addressed to him can cause anger and increase hostility to the baby.
- Remember that with excessive manifestations of jealousy, children should not be left without parental supervision. Young children do not always know how to restrain anger, and the youngest child can be seriously injured by the older one.
- Often the interests of matured children diverge more and more, so you should write them in different circles, taking into account their preferences and desires. Having achieved impressive results in various fields of activity, they will cease to feel like rivals.
And another important recommendation - keep a balance in relations with the kids, do not select one of them, try not to compare them with each other. Do not forget to spend more time all together, but do not intervene if they get along great and play well together. In this case, you are more likely to cope with childhood jealousy and avoid the problems associated with it.
We also read:
My mum! Only mine! - or a few words about child jealousy
Children in the family compete: how to solve a problem wisely
Useful video
How to explain to the oldest child that his parents also love him, as well as the newly born younger? Advice from a child psychologist:
How to help your child overcome jealousy for younger brothers and sisters? Parenting. Mom's school:
Before the second baby was born, I would sit the eldest on my knees and say that he would have a brother, asked if he wanted to? Is it waiting? He always answered in the affirmative. The younger brother did not come alone, but brought a new toy as a gift. Jealousy is, yes, but we did not begin to change anything in the family and infringe the elder. Everything is as usual. Therefore, we cope.
When we were waiting for the addition of the second child in the family, we had already prepared our son in advance for this joyful event.They explained to him that he was our main assistant and his sister would need attention and care from him. The son listened with due attention to us and agreed, waiting impatiently for the birth of the sister. Now he is already playing with her, caring, proud that he has a sister.
an amazing paradox, all parents talk with older children, prepare for the appearance of a younger one. But at the birth of the second child, the eldest for some reason has to change his “lifestyle”. Because Parents put the interests of the elder in the background, I argue that the little one needs more attention. But in fact, the opposite is true.
I urgently need help! I have two children, the first boy, he is 2.7, the second girl is 7 months old. It turns out the difference is exactly two years. The boy has great jealousy and aggression towards the girl. He does not give toys, takes everything from her. Constantly crying and screaming, ordering terrible tantrums. What to do in this case? Maybe someone faced such a situation? I speak and explain to him, but he does not hear me.