My girlfriend Tom recently gave birth to a second child. I, as a selfless friend, decided to help with the care of her eldest daughter Anechka. She is already three years old and she was very, very waiting for the birth of her brother. It seemed to us all who knew this family well that there would be no jealousy for the younger one.
Anya repeatedly told how she would love to bathe her little brother, play with him, ride him on her swing. The whole family was very happy and touched by this.
A baby is born. Mom, of course, began to devote most of the time to a little boy. This was especially noticeable on walks, where Anya now walked not with her beloved mom, but with me, grandmothers, neighbors, godmothers and other close adults. Once in one of the walks, Anechka began to cry a lot, refused to go play with other children. It was simply impossible to distract or console her!
I was very surprised when Anyasaid she no longer wants a brotherthat she wants to be only with her mother, and her mother no longer loves her! Then I really thought, what exactly is children's jealousy? How can it be avoided? How to establish relationships in the family and not lose contact with the oldest child?
Parents rarely think about child jealousy. More often than not, they simply try to stimulate a good attitude towards the youngest child. This is done through suggestions, gifts, entertainment, and sweets. Unfortunately, this is far from always effective.
How to understand that a child is jealous?
Parents are very lucky: children are not shy in expressing their feelings. That's just their verbal form is usually shocking. An older child may offer to give the baby to someone else (“Aunt A. doesn’t have any children!”), Throw him out the window or return him to the hospital (“He will be fine there!”). Do not worry, your child is unlikely to do something bad, but this sign of jealousy cannot be left unanswered!
Parallel the oldest child usually tries in every possible way to attract the attention of parents: may ask only mother to feed now, although before birth, the crumbs did an excellent job with pleasure himself, may start to sleep badly and call you or demand your presence while falling asleep, may specially make noise when asked to be quieter, may even hit youngest child or bite him. There are tons of examples of this kind of behavior!
How to grow up without child jealousy?
A few practical tips to help achieve harmony in the family after replenishment:
- Let the elder help with the youngerif he (she) wants it. You can even highlight some business for which the senior will be responsible (bring a pacifier, toys, etc.).
- Do not interfere with communication between children! If the older child wants to touch or stroke the younger, then do not prohibit this. Do not create an idol at home!
- Try to keep your older child’s daily routine. Yes, it’s not easy and you need help from acquaintances and relatives while you spend so much time on a newborn, but the less the regimen for an older child changes, the less stress he will feel due to changes in the family. Try to keep your walks, lunch, and sleep the same. In no case should a child give up circles or games with his peers because of the appearance of the baby!
- Relocate the older child to a separate bed or room before leaving for the hospital. Perhaps for some time it will be necessary for the father, and not the mother, to deal with sleep issues. So you will not allow resentment to form on the youngest child because he de facto took the place of the eldest’s sleep. The same goes for excommunicationif the difference between the children is very small. The sooner you do this, the less chance of resentment (article on how to wean a baby).
Often after the birth of the baby, the elder is sent to grandmothers. This can be regarded as a betrayal, therefore better ask relatives to help in your home (cook, clean; play, read, or do creative work with the oldest child; take a walk with the youngest on the street)than to evict a child from a familiar place. The children are to blame for this very quickly and you probably know who they will be.- Feel free to care and love. in relation to the older child, kiss, hug him.
- Children should have different affectionate nicknames. You should not always call one by name, and the second only “cat”.
- Do not forbid an older baby to be present while breastfeeding.but it’s better to have a special place for this and explain that you should not be disturbed there.
- As an example, show a family with two children where they get along well. Explain to the child that it is very correct and fun!
- Emphasize the importance of the role of the eldest in the life of the youngest child.. For example, emphasize that no one else knows how to play and entertain or soothe like him.
- Do not constantly indicate that the youngest is small and therefore everything is possible for him and that all the best should be for him. So you provoke the older child to a more childish behavior and create complexes with him.
- The older child should have his own, personal, time alone with his mother. Let it be, for example, during my father’s walk with the younger. So you will show that the oldest child is no less important for you than the youngest and you are still his beloved mom. Just do not need to do cooking or cleaning at this time! Devote it to a pleasant pastime with the child: draw, read or do some work.
Do not abruptly become a strict and principled mother after childbirth. Yes, it will become harder, but this is not a reason to refuse the eldest child support and attention! All your children must be sure that their parents are on their side, that they value and respect them. Try to become a friend for your oldest child and then the appearance of another baby will pass in the family quite calmly.
We read in detail:
- Why is the oldest child jealous of the youngest? What should parents do?
- Children in the family compete: how to solve a problem wisely
How to protect an older child from jealousy if a baby appears in the family? Psychologist Anika Rimarenko will discuss this topic:
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I want to say that children's jealousy is not a simple problem. For in the future, it can affect the personality of this child. I still remember how much I was affected when my younger brother was born. Then I was 5 years old, but for some reason I remember very clearly the moment when my mother bathes her brother, and I stand and cry. Maybe this is the reason that the oldest child in the family begins to behave like an adult, because his mother no longer spoils him.
When I became pregnant with my second child, my oldest daughter was 11 years old. She openly said: “Why do I need a brother, will he constantly interfere with me and touch my things ?!” At that moment I was horrified and even in pregnancy I began to prepare her for the appearance of the baby. Saying that we will do together, how clever she is and will be my mother’s assistant. The daughter calmed down a bit, and when it became known that we would have another girl - she was even happy. And she began to tell how she would teach her how to dress, how to do her hairstyles. After the birth 3 months passed and the eldest helps me in everything, and in the evening, when my husband comes home from work, I devote a couple of hours only to my elder daughter, do homework, play. I think, in order to avoid jealousy, we must prepare the oldest child in pregnancy.