It is human nature to doubt himself and the correctness of his actions. Each of us often blames ourselves for any troubles or problems that have happened in life. Sometimes it seems that we are not good enough for something or unworthy for someone. The question of self-esteem is especially acute for young mothers - they are emotional and sensitive, full of emotions and anxieties, and most importantly, they are concerned about the task of perfect care for their baby. In this situation, the main thing is to realize that no one needs a perfect picture. Children need a native, real mother - one that just cares and gives warmth.
How to start loving mom in yourself: a real story
Many young mothers are constantly worried that they cannot become ideal. Thoughts “I'm a bad mother” come to the mind of almost everyone who has a baby. And there are reasons for this - the environment is so fond of pointing out the disadvantages of upbringing: it is too lightly dressed, not accustomed to the potty, cannot read.
Grandparents, friends and neighbors, casual passers-by - everyone is ready to strengthen such a complex in their mother’s heart. Someone will notice that the baby is a little thin, for some he cannot be separated from the pacifier for too long, and someone else will reproach that the baby spoke late.
The inner ideal of a woman also does not leave her alone - so I want to become a real perfection! Social networks and Hollywood films show examples of beautiful and successful mothers who keep pace everywhere and everywhere. So real fears and complexes arise.
Inna Vaganova, a defectologist and gestalt therapist, a mother of two children, shares her fears and how she managed to defeat the “bad mother” complex.
Feeling worthless and guilty
I have not met people who are so prone to self-flagellation, all kinds of fears and feelings of guilt, like mothers. Initially, I felt like a terrible mother during the attempts, when my eldest son was born. Then the doctors reproached me for not working hard and could strangle the baby. But it was my first birth!
Gradually, as my crumbs grew and developed, I blamed myself even more - because he gained too much or too little weight. Further - more: I am developing the child incorrectly, I am not able to make him the right daily routine. My son plays incorrectly, I dress and walk incorrectly with a child. And he even sleeps wrong with me ...
It turned out that as a mother I am absolutely terrible, untenable and just ruining my little child.
When such a caustic remark is made by a stranger, they can be passed by and forgotten. But it was much more offensive when such things sounded from the lips of the closest people - I heard reproaches from my parents and teachers in the garden, doctors in hospitals and best friends. I listened to all these people: I really didn’t succeed as a mother, and my son was very unlucky with me - why should he be punished? This feeling haunted me for almost 6 years.
My son grew up next to me as a kind and touching boy, took care of his younger brother, gave me bouquets and drew cute drawings, he learned to read. But I still convinced myself that I was a disgusting mother.
I tried to prevent bad thoughts on this topic, but every day I brought new self-accusations: the teachers reported, the doctor made a remark, the son’s t-shirt was not well-ironed, and the nails were not trimmed. All these events over and over again made me firmly believe in how bad I am. This feeling sank deep inside me and prevented me from enjoying motherhood.
Priceless daily care
Probably, all this would go on forever if I had not taught myself to pay attention to the things that I do for my sons every day.
I woke the elder into the garden and cooked him a delicious breakfast, serving it in the form of funny faces. The kid was always waiting for a set of clean clothes and a good bedtime story. Every day we did special inhalations, because the child had allergy, and for a whole year I made him a thermos of tea every day in the kindergarten, just because of an allergy to the garden compote.
I read a lot of useful literature for the development of my boys: both learned to speak early, and the older one read confidently aloud.
In addition, I studied special literature to maintain the health of my sons (I shoveled a mountain of such literature): the eldest son spent only one day in the hospital in his whole life, and the youngest was never there.
Every day I walk in the fresh air with my sons, prepare healthy meals for them, bathe in a clean bath and smear my knees with cream. Together we draw and collect chestnuts for crafts, go to the zoo and feed the birds on the street.
I always listen to my children - they can talk about their experiences, they cry quietly in my arms, they bring me their secrets. The eldest son can always ask me any question, and I am not gray with horror and shame, I find words with which I can explain everything to him.
Today I saw my youngest son cry from fatigue. For 40 minutes I held the kicking child in my arms and stroked his hair until he fell asleep.
Happiness in the little things
Many mothers simply do not notice and often devalue those ordinary, but such important things that they do daily for their children. But how each of us likes to delve into our own mistakes!
Every day I perform small maternal feats, which I always considered insignificant. But it is precisely in these trifles that the happy childhood of the guys lies.
The smell of freshly baked pancakes in the morning and a game with dice in the evening, hands that hug and regret when it hurts. I help them understand their feelings and learn about the world around them. My kids called me “healing mother”, because every time they are in pain, one touch relieves tears. Only one touch heals their physical and mental wounds!
You can endlessly blame yourself and reproach yourself with something. But if each of us learns to notice and appreciate the things that every day does for our children, this will become a true salvation.
Notice how every morning you get up and do a lot of feats for the kids, just love them and live for them. No need to strive to be like others, to try to imitate some example.
Our love and care for children is unique, and it is so beautiful. This is what makes you feel alive. I allow myself to be real, to feel life in its entirety and teach this to my sons.
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I read the article and decided to write a comment, because this is what happened to me. An inferiority complex was invested in me from childhood by my parents, who themselves did not understand what they were doing, but acted as their parents had taught them. I would pass on this attitude to my children if it were not for the incident in my life that made me look for answers to many questions in my life. And only when I saw this inferiority complex in myself, I was able to start getting rid of it and helping my children get rid of it. Now I began to look differently at the problems surrounding me and look for their solutions.
I did not consider myself a bad mom. I gave birth at 34 years old. I tried to give all my love to my child. My son is already an adult, but I still have a feeling of guilt that I missed something, did not inspect, did not give everything to him in my life.
Oh, the idea that I’m a bad mom has haunted me for a very long time. I didn’t think that I was the only one! She even complained about this to her mother, and after reading your article, she already had a firmly rooted opinion that everything was fine!
Probably any normal mom goes through such experiences. But the most important thing for the mother is to understand that with the birth and growth of the baby, she also learns and grows from her mistakes. And how can a mother understand her mistakes in education if she does not commit them? Benjamin Spock’s book on parenting and caring for children helped me a lot. In general, you need to pay less attention to the opinions of others.
Well dv. This nonsense helped you to see clearly 😉
Mom, by definition, can’t be bad, despite third-party reviews about you. Let the “smart” look after themselves and their children than judge from the outside. I do not pay attention to such. I know that my son will grow up to be a decent and well-mannered man, for whom I will never be ashamed!