Ideal mothers do not exist, or the secrets of French education

Do you want your children to sleep peacefully all night, be able to behave on a visit and at a table, give parents to be alone? Sometimes it seems that this is an unattainable dream. However, in French families, children behave this way. American Pamela Druckerman told about their secrets in her book “French children do not spit food. Secrets of education from Paris. " Do they take root in your family - you decide!

1. Wait!

The French believe: children, even the smallest, must understand that their desires are not always fulfilled on demand. When the baby cried in the crib, French mothers are in no hurry to approach him right away. After a pause (at least a minute or two), they give him time to calm himself.

Babies can wake up simply because their phases of sleep change. If at this moment they are picked up, it is perceived as an invitation to communication and games, and they will learn to fall asleep on their own for a long time to come. If the child does not calm down, a pause helps mom more accurately determine the cause of his crying: whether he is hungry, or raw, or his stomach is bothering. Of course, you can’t bring the baby into hysterics.

Thanks to such tactics, French children quickly get used to sleep soundly all night. This is also facilitated by the fact that children sleep in their parents' rooms only up to three months of age, and then they are placed in a separate room with the lights off, because night should be associated with the dark time of the day.

The words “Wait!”, “Wait!” the French speak to their children in other situations: at the dining table, for a walk, while talking with a girlfriend, at a party. Thus, the child is given a pause to independently solve his problem and the ability to wait and endure is instilled. These qualities are necessary for a well-educated person, say French mothers, and they need to be brought up literally from the cradle.

When a child does not receive the required minute, he learns to cope with disappointment. This is necessary in order to learn how to be happy. The words “Wait,” “Wait,” help children understand that there are other people in the world with their desires and needs.

2. Magic words

Since childhood, we teach children to say “magic words”: “thank you,” “please.” For French children, the same obligatory words are “hello” and “goodbye”. In the process of upbringing, they receive, perhaps, even more attention.

Indeed, it is difficult for small children to say “hello” when meeting strangers. They are shy, stubborn, silent even at the request of their parents. And this is understandable: “thanks” the child says that someone did something nice for him, and “please” when he asks for something. That is, these words are used as a request or thanks.Whereas greeting and farewell from the point of view of the child seems to be useless.

But French mothers believe: exactly what the child says “hello” and “goodbye” is an indicator of his upbringing. Having overcome his shyness or stubbornness, the baby, as it were, stands on one step with adults. This is a sign that he is adopting laws adopted in the adult world and that he will be able to behave in a civilized manner.

Allowing the peanuts to neglect the simplest rule of decency, adults seem to give the go-ahead and to violate other rules. Therefore, if the baby comes to your house and does not say hello, be prepared for the fact that he will soon begin to walk on his head, demand pasta without sauce and bite guests' feet under the table.

The author writes: “Letting the peanut enter my house without greeting, I start a chain reaction: he will soon jump on my couch, refuse to eat anything except pasta without sauce, and bite my legs under the table at dinner. It is enough to give the green light to non-observance of one single rule of a civilized society, as a child and everyone around will quickly realize that other rules are not required to be observed; not only that, they will decide that children are unable to abide by these rules. A simple “hello” for a child and others means that he can behave in a civilized manner. So, this “magic word” sets the tone for communication between children and adults ”. It is difficult to disagree with these words.

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3. Here I decide!

The French manage to establish a clear hierarchy in relations between parents and children. Their families do not share power with children. First parents, then children. If the child forgets about this, you can hear the phrase "Here I decide!", Or the more stringent option "Here I command!".

Establishing the framework permissible requires a lot of patience and strength, but this will be better for both parents and children. When a “king-child” grows in a family, the life of parents can become unbearable. A system of restrictions and rules is necessary for the children themselves, according to French mothers and fathers. Kids have too many desires, behavior is subject to impulses. Indisputable parental authority helps them to curb their own needs, to learn self-control.

Such a system is built due to the fact that they constantly talk about the rules and boundaries of behavior with children. They are told what can and cannot be done, and why not. And this happens in a very polite manner.

In conversations with children, parents often use the phrase "you have / do not have the right." Already at the semantic level, the child understands that there is a system of norms of behavior for adults and children, one of which he is currently violating. And if he does not have the right to do this, that is, the right to something else.

Another expression used by French mothers is "I do not approve." Saying this instead of the usual “No!”, “It is impossible!”, They emphasize that parents have their own opinion, which the child needs to reckon with. This phrase and the baby recognizes the right to their own opinion. Unapproved behavior is his conscious choice, but he may choose another option.

However, within the permissible framework, children are given complete freedom. They can indulge and be naughty, and for this they will not be punished. The French even have words that distinguish between small pranks (petites betises) and bad behavior (mauvais comportement). Perhaps that is why parents have to resort to punishment very rarely.

4. Let them live their lives

In France, it is customary to send children, starting from 4 years old, to children's camps. The smallest usually leave for the village for 7-8 days, where they live, observing nature, in the fresh air. This is called "green weeks." Older children leave for camps in some areas: theatrical, astronomical, and others.

Thus, children are given independence from their parents, the opportunity to learn how to overcome difficulties and rely on their own strengths. This is one of the basic principles of French education. Thanks to such trips, the kids learn independence, including emotionally, self-esteem and self-confidence are formed.

This also shows the desire to protect their children. French parents understand that it is impossible to foresee everything. Therefore, it is very important to teach the child independence as early as possible, ensuring the necessary safety.

The French approach to education recognizes the child's need for freedom. According to psychologists, it is necessary to leave him alone so that he himself can figure out what to do in a given situation. Having every day more and more freedom, the baby gets personal experience, learns to communicate with peers, feel confident in the world.

5. Adult time

French families are built on the firm belief that the relationship between mom and dad is the main thing in marriage. French mothers say that we do not choose children, but we choose a husband. Therefore, you need to build a relationship with your spouse, constantly nourish the passion that is warm in everyone.

There is such a thing - "adult time". It occurs at eight to eight thirty in the evening, when the children are sent to their rooms. They may not go to bed immediately, they are allowed to play there quietly. Adults can relax, go about their business, and be alone with each other. In some families, even in the morning, children are not allowed to enter the parental bedroom without permission.

In addition, many French couples spend a weekend only once or twice a month together without children. They arrange a “honey weekend” for themselves: they send offspring to relatives, or they leave somewhere. This helps to strengthen relations between spouses, relax and miss the children. Children, in turn, also benefit from a break from their parents. Meeting in a couple of days, the whole family feels a renewal and a surge of strength.

Much attention is paid to intimate relationships of spouses. In hospitals, classes are held to strengthen intimate muscles, to which a gynecologist can send a woman shortly after childbirth. Also, the doctor can send to the press training classes if the woman cannot get in shape on her own. This reflects concern for marital relations at the state level.

In addition, French women are more likely to relate to the fact that more cares for children and home fall on women's shoulders. They take it for granted, and do not saw husbands that they help them little. Men are perceived as a separate species, simply not able to perform this work as well. Of course, husbands also have their own household responsibilities, which they perform as best they can. Thanks to this worldview, French families quarrel less on everyday issues, and this has a positive effect on the strength of family ties.

6. French children do not spit food

The American Pamela Druckerman was struck by the fact that French children behave very disciplined at the table, and eat almost everything that they are offered, without whims. How do they do it?

Complementary foods in France are recommended to start with vegetables. Moreover, parents set themselves the goal of revealing to their child the taste of a vegetable, colorfully describe it. If the baby does not like the taste, do not insist, but you can’t retreat either. You need to wait a while and again offer the same vegetable, trying different options for its preparation: steamed, grilled, with other vegetables.

By about four months, the nutrition of the crumbs resembles that of an adult. That is, the baby eats at about 8, 12, 16 and 20 hours. Moreover, French mothers say that they are not fed according to the regimen. Apparently, they just adjust to the rhythm of the baby.

At an older age, such a meal schedule is maintained. Moreover, France is not practiced so common among children, “trickling”. That is, there are practically no snacks between breakfast, lunch and dinner. Therefore, children sit at the table and eat with appetite, without scandals and persuasion.

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French mothers, like any others, are imperfect. They go to work early after the birth of children, give the little ones who have not reached the age of one year to a day nursery. They wait a pause in teaching the child to sleep, in the formation of eating habits. They easily leave their children in the care of relatives and carers, doing their own thing.

And they are too busy to suffer guilt. This feeling often haunts mothers, regardless of their nationality. “I am a bad mother” - so many of us think. French women instead say, "There are no perfect mothers." This saves them from self-flagellation and makes communication with their children more lively, eventful and happy.

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