I work as a class teacher. Recently, a mother of a fifth grade student addressed me in desperation. She complained that her daughter did not listen to her at home, was rude, and at school she behaved differently than an exemplary girl. According to her, she tries to give everything to her three children, to protect them from domestic problems, and in return receives only a dismissive attitude.
Child disobedience is a common problem, but how can I solve it? Why does the child behave rudely or ignore parental demands? How to find a common language with a son or daughter? Let's look at the most common causes of childhood disobedience.
1. Lack of parental attention
The abundance of new technology that appeared in the 21st century, it seems, should facilitate the work of women at home and free her time for classes with children. However, in practice, we see the opposite - there is no more time, mothers are still constantly busy with the housework, and fatigue deprives them of strength for games with babies.
Sometimes parents notice their child only when he is defiant, indulging or rude. Children also see this. That is why they are trying to attract attention, annoying their parents. How to solve this problem?
Try to give the children a little more of their care and love. Here are some practical tips for moms and dads.
- Try to meet the child with a loving look throughout the day.
- Contact the child physically by hugging and kissing him, holding his hand.
- At least 10-15 minutes to be alone with the child away from the kitchen, TV, etc. Read together, discuss something interesting
If you do this, the children will feel intimacy and there will be an understanding that you love them.
2. The child asserts himself as a person
All children once have a period when they are trying to understand who is in charge of the house. For the first time this happens at the age of one and a half to two years. They get their way by arranging tantrumsstomping feet and screaming. Often, under such pressure, parents make concessions to them. Children quickly learn this lesson - at the first opportunity they will repeat the attempt to achieve the desired with shouts and stomping. Similar behavior is observed in adolescents. With shouts and rudeness, they show a protest against the authoritarian parenting.
What to do if the child behaves this way? Psychologists advise just to ignore this behavior.. When the child screams, do nothing, try to restrain your emotions, do not swear, do not persuade you to stop the tantrum.Let the baby know that his actions - screaming, crying, stamping his legs, do not affect you. To such situations arose less, you need to learn how to negotiate with your children.
We also read: how to deal with childhood hysteria
3. You do not know how to negotiate with children
If a controversial situation arises, then we pour out our negative energy on the child, and she, according to the boomerang law, returns to us from the mouth of the pupil.
What to do? There are two psychological techniques - “Active listening” and “I am the utterance”. They were not invented by me, they exist for a long time, but few people use them. After all, it’s easier for us to copy the behavior style of our parents than to master a new one.
So, an active listening is that instead of asking the child questions (Why didn’t you remove the toys? When will you be preparing for the lessons? Etc.), you need to listen to him. To do this, first mentally ask yourself: “What do I feel now when my son (daughter) made a mess?” Irritation, anger, resentment.
Next, prepare "I am a statement." Its essence is that you are talking about your feelings, not about the child’s deed. You cannot pronounce the word “you” in such messages. For example: “You know, it annoys me when there is a mess in the room” (Instead of the usual: “When will you remove the toys?”). The pupil will not meet your negative energy, since you did not say the word “you”, it means that he will not answer you with irritation or rudeness.
Then pause. You can also add: "What are we going to do?" We are waiting for the reaction of the child, listening his. Do not humiliate, do not push him, but agree.
If the child himself is somehow depressed, emotionally excited, we again refuse to question. Extra questions will upset him even more. Better ask yourself: “And what is my son (daughter) feeling now?”.
Then say the answer in the affirmative: “You are angry about your English deuce” or “You’re scared that you won’t succeed, so you don’t want to go to class.” So we show our student that we understand him, are ready to help, we will not threaten and set conditions.
We pause for a long time and use the active listening method again. The child himself will share with you, free himself from negative emotions. Perhaps, in the process of his monologue, he himself will come to the right decision.
And if not, then arm yourself with a piece of paper and a pen. Write down all the options for your child and yours, discuss and jointly choose the one that will suit both of you. When recording joint offers, do not criticize the student’s options.
Next, it remains to monitor the implementation of the decision, to analyze the degree of its correctness.
4. The child takes revenge for your old grievances
Another reason children disobey is their desire to avenge your old grievances. They may experience pain due to separation of parents, get angry and jealous of your second child.
To remedy the situation, we recommend again resorting to the previously described techniques of “Active listening” and “I am a saying”. Start the conversation yourself something like this: "Are you offended by me?" or "It hurts you that ...". Listen carefully to the child, without interrupting him or making excuses. Try to eliminate this deep resentment together. If the kid is jealous of your brother or sister, you need to find more time for him. He needs to feel your love.
5. Copying your behavior
If you allow yourself to cry in relationships with family members, the child will certainly imitate you. Children are our reflection, they adopt the habits and manners of parents.
What to do This problem can be solved if you try to control yourself, restrain yourself in a fit of anger, and show wisdom. This is hard work on yourself, but over time it will give a result - the children will behave differently.
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6. You violate your principles
If parents often change their views on parenting, the child takes advantage of this.For example, once you forbade your son or daughter to do something, and the next time you made a concession. The lack of clear boundaries in behavior leads children astray. They see that you can break your word or cancel your own ban if you put pressure on you. In the future, this will lead to disobedience.
To prevent this from happening, always go all the way. If they said no to the child, then no. Be always true to your word and principles.
We also read: how to tell the child NO
7. Children have lost respect for parents
Sometimes mothers complain: “I don’t know at all how to behave with a child. I can’t deal with him anymore! ” These words speak of the complete powerlessness of parents who have lost their authority in the eyes of children and have lost their respect. Often, not knowing what to do, mothers and fathers simply give up and cease to control the situation.
What to do? The first is to figure out why the children have lost respect for you. Having established the cause, you can gradually eliminate it. Parents, for their part, should do their best to become a good example for their offspring. It is important for children to feel that mom and dad are people who are much wiser, smarter and stronger than themselves.
8. Wrong style of relations with children
Some parents fundamentally choose the wrong style of relationship with their offspring. Some put too strict requirements for them, drive them into the framework of restrictions and prohibitions. Such an authoritarian parenting style may have negative consequences for children in the future. They will either grow too unsure of themselves, or will begin to show dictatorial qualities, acting ahead of schedule. Do you like this outcome of events? Other parents go to the other extreme - they bring up children in the spirit of connivance, allowing them everything. In the future, it is expected that the child will grow up selfish.
There is another way of dealing with children - democratic. It implies the ability to negotiate. This style of relationship has nothing to do with indulging a child and dominating him.
9. Low motivation for parental requirements
Expressing their demands to kids, mothers and fathers do not sufficiently motivate them. Often, children do not understand why they should go to bed on time, lay toys in place or do homework. If the child does not realize what benefits these actions will bring him, he will not want to perform them.
How to be Constantly explain how your requirements are useful.. For example, a child is unlikely to react correctly if you tell him that it is too late and it's time to go to bed. But in most cases, he will go to bed, if you explain: "You need to gain strength for tomorrow's games, so it's better to go to bed right now." When you ask to remove toys, motivating the request by the fact that there must be order in the house, this will not work. The kid will soon hear you, if you say: "You need to lay down the toys so that there is free space for a new game."
10. You incorrectly demand
If you give your son or daughter a task, and he does not do it, you may be wrong in demanding. Sometimes parents turn to children at the wrong time, so their request simply does not reach the goal. Another reason why the offspring do not respond to the request is that they do not always understand what and how to do.
For the children to be able to fulfill your assignment, you need to convey your request to the addressee. Do not speak into the void, choose a time when the children hear you. Ask: “Did you definitely hear me?” Now make sure your son or daughter understands your requirement correctly. Ask: “Please repeat what exactly and how to do it.” If the child understands everything, specify: “When will you be able to do what we agreed on?”
Having considered the reasons for the disobedience of children, you may have seen your own mistakes. Now you can correct them in order to achieve harmony and peace in the family.
We also read: What if the child does not obey you?
