5 mistakes that all good mothers make

Author: Marina Romanenko

Hi everyone, today we’ll talk about five mistakes that almost every parent made in his life.

And you know, this article is not to scold someone or to make everyone feel guilty, because we all made at least one mistake. Every. This article is for those who want to know about them in order not to commit them in the future.

Mistake 1: scolding children

We don’t even notice how we do it. But it is so customary in the culture around us that we either weave, or scold, or grumble at our children. And nothing changes: from year to year the situation only worsens. The list is increasing for which we can scold our child.

Some scream, some do it very politely and tediously, as I recently saw in a store.

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Why are we scolding children ?! - Because they bite their nails, because they walk unevenly (you know, I know parents who have a child clumsy, and they always tug on him so that he puts his feet correctly. We blame them for not have done our homework. We scold for not washing the dishes. We scold the children just because they are noisy or running, or screaming.

So ask yourself the question - “When I scold my child or want to scold him, will this change his behavior for the better or not?”

Believe me, as long as humanity exists, so many children are scolded. And nothing changes, so this method does not work. What can we do as parents ?!

1. First - There are many things for which you definitely do not need to scold. For example, for running, clapping, talking loudly, he is who he is. You can just ask if you need to be quieter.
2. Second - it happens that children bite their nails, and you are already on the platoon, you - “How much can you ?! Are you biting your nails again ?! ” Just tell your child - "Put your hands in your pocket." And at that moment a miracle will happen. He will quickly put them in his pocket. He will stop biting them, and you will lose what you need to scold him for. Reorient their behavior, just give them the right command, what needs to be done, and you will see that in a very short time, in general, the need to scold will disappear, because these conflict situations will go away and you will interact very constructively every day.

We also read: 10 tips to stop yelling at your children

Error 2: ignore children

We, frankly, live in a world in which everyone ignores each other and thinks that this is normal. We don’t like it, but we grew up in such a culture, and we continue to broadcast it. Moreover, I read a lot of books for parents, which say - if your child burst into tears, fell to the floor, in no case do not respond to it, read - ignore your child.Because if you react to it, it’s like it will continue to fall further and demand something like that.

I will give examples of ignoring. This is when we are standing, chatting with a friend or doing some important thing, and our child runs around, tugs at our skirt and says, “Mom, Mom, and here I am.” And he has to pull us five or seven times so that we deviate and answer something. Why not answer the first time ?! Believe me, he would not jerk seven times, we would not be annoyed.

And then we are surprised when we tell the child to do something, but he does not hear us, this is not because he does not hear us, but because it is normal in the culture in which he grew up to this day. When there are five, seven, ten calls before raising the voice, the children also cry so that we pay attention to them, and only then does the response occur.

Therefore, in order to have good relations with children, very constructive, very fast, so that you hear the first time, and you hear the first time, you just need to start hearing the child and quickly respond to it every day, from birth.

I burst into tears, and you are right there, picked up and understand what he is crying there. He called you, and you, even being in the next room, say - “I hear you. I'll be back in a minute. ” Do not be silent, thinking that this is not long, that you will reach him now, because during this time he will call you five more times. And so this moment begins, when we get other attention in destructive ways: screaming, crying, scandal, raising our voices, endless repetition.

If he asks you something, and you are busy, just get it at this point in time and as soon as you can pay attention - pay. But having already acquired it, you show that I am very busy, but I see you, you mean to me, you are important to me, and I react to you.

Believe me, the children are ready at this moment to stand with you and wait until you are free. And communication begins to be in a completely different way every day. Be very sensitive parents and respond to every request or movement of your child.

Believe me, this may seem like a lot of costs, but in fact it will minimize your costs in the future, because you will grow up a child who will hear you, see you, respond the first time to you, because you were this carrier the culture that taught him this. And your relationship will be great.

Mistake 3: rush children

Another most common mistake parents make is when they rush their children.

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For example, you are going to school and know that your child is slowly going, that he needs to say five times to brush his teeth. You will come and find him putting on one more sock, you say - "I am in a hurry", and he is like this - "I put on a sock." And in general, as they say, video with audio do not match. And at this moment, the parent understands that there is very little time left before leaving, begins to rush his child, he moves even slower, as a result - a scandal in the house, a spoiled mood, a spoiled relationship.

What I want to say is that sometimes, in order not to rush your children and to be constructive, you need to stop feeling sorry for them. To love, but not to regret. Wake them up half an hour earlier, knowing that they dress slowly, but do not rush them. When you rush him, his nervous system falls into stress, and he begins to do it even slower, which annoys us even more like parents, and we even more often remind him to hurry somewhere, and he does it even slower.

Believe me, this is not from evil. The nervous system starts to work in emergency mode, and he does not notice that his movements, transitions somewhere and actions are slower than always. Little children grow up, their brains form, and when we constantly keep them in such a state of stress, they grow up absent-minded, unable to concentrate, unable to complete the job.As a result, self-doubt, with low self-esteem and the fact that he thinks that something is wrong with him, all people are people, and I am the only one here, "my hands have grown out of that place."

And all of this simply results in our habit of rushing with you. Therefore, correctly calculate the time. Drink coffee, think about your children well. Use timers so that it moves from one process to another process.

You know, for young children this method still works - if quickly (3 minutes or less), draw a table of actions that he should do in the morning, and he runs, crosses out the one that he has already completed. Brushing teeth, made a bed, took a bag, had breakfast, checked things - it’s both pleasure and you transfer it from process to process.

But remember that his speed will still be lower than yours, so do not rush. Build the process correctly.

When you stop rushing your children, you will see that a good mood every day when you leave home is provided not only to you, your child, but to everyone who surrounds you.

Error 4: persuade to eat

The fourth mistake every parent on planet Earth has made at least once in his life is an attempt to persuade his child to eat. And some make this mistake every day several times with enviable regularity.

It is important, of course, that the child eat, but the key concept is that he only eat when he is hungry.

You need to understand that we grew up in a country in which some generations experienced hunger, and the desire to feed us was genetically embedded in order to save life. But modern children, in the abundance of food that is around, are never hungry. They simply don’t even know such a feeling when they “suck in the stomach” because they want to eat.

Therefore, just plan how you will feed the baby and how. And take away all the snacks. Snacks include compote, cookies, fruits, everything with sugar, juices. These are all snacks. Either select them as a separate meal, and consider the food as full, full-fledged, or remove it so that this does not even happen. Because when it enters the stomach, the body fails, it does not want to eat, and when you feed the baby on time, of course, he will say that he does not want to.

It is important to give your child the opportunity to get hungry. That's to make him hungry. Then you will never have a problem. I can directly hear how many parents now say - "Yes, if you do not persuade mine, he will not eat for a day, even two." I say - "I believe, of course, will not be." Because he cannot identify this feeling of hunger. He does not even know what it is, and what it is, "what I want to eat." But then he understands this and will shake your soul out for you to feed him, or he will open the refrigerator, climb in and eat.

Why do you need to feed the baby correctly ?! That's right - this is without gadgets. Without “for dad”, “for mom”, there, for concerts, children are sometimes shown puppetry to persuade them to eat.

Pull yourself together. Believe me, a person will never be hungry. Feed your children only when they are hungry. Dads are good at working with this. They feed the children when they want to eat themselves or when the children of them already - "Dad, dad, let's eat something."

I never saw a dad who persuade children to eat, but I saw a “army” of moms who persuade children to eat. Pull yourself together. Feed when you are hungry, and remember how the brain works, and why it is beneficial for the child to realize that he has eaten. Neither in a coma, nor through a gadget. This is extremely important. And you will be that happy parent who will say - "My child always eats and eats classy, ​​and with great pleasure."

We also read: You won’t be forcibly fed: why you can’t force a child to eat through force

Mistake 5: excessive custody of children

It seems to us that they are cold. It seems to us that they are hot. It seems to us that they are hungry. It seems to us that they themselves cannot tie their shoelaces at the age of five or fasten their jacket. And it takes power from our children.

For various reasons, we are engaged in hyper-custody: for someone this is one child, and he is cowardly over him, not realizing that our main task is to teach, not to do for him, but to teach so that he himself can do all this, and from whom there’s no time, and it’s easier for him to fasten the child’s shoes, jacket, put a backpack on his back and put him in the car, it will be faster.

These are different reasons, but the effect is always the same. Children grow up infantile, which are many simple things that are happening around them, they think that they should not do it, but someone else.

But then we, dear parents, need to raise the staff for our children. We want our children to grow up strong, confident, then they must learn to overcome difficulties. They may receive and not succeed. They must learn to do this, so a person grows stronger, he does not become strong in 30 years. It is formed every day, overcoming small difficulties every day.

Teach them self-care. Teach them self-control. Excessive external control kills internal self-control. There will come a time when you cannot be with them all day. This is when they go to kindergarten and then go to school, and you, as parents, must be sure that your child has enough internal strength to say “no” to someone, “For some reason, let's go and jump from the second floor ? " He says, “No, of course.”

This is possible only when he grows as an independent person. We do not directly notice how we control them as robots, and they cease in them, and they lose this property of making their own choices.

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I know such children and not one, not two, but not three, unfortunately. So step back two steps and give him the opportunity to at least think about this, there some activity in the brain will begin to occur. Directivity kills independence. And in the beginning it touches, we have obedient children who do everything we want, and then it scares us, because they cannot take a step on their own in this life. Their ability to make decisions is atrophied. You just need to give the task, but let him choose the way in which he will do it. And if the child asks you, and you say - “Listen, well, sort it out somehow. Come and tell me how you did it. ” This is what will teach your child to make independent decisions, make mistakes, and then get out of these mistakes, but achieve results.

And they will never grow infantile in this case. They will grow up responsible, independent, thinking, people with an inner core. This is what you need to strive for, and I wish you to succeed in this. Of course, this will not allow us to protect ourselves from mistakes, but it will allow us to think about what kind of mistakes we make every day.

We also read:The negative consequences of excessive custody and care for boys at different ages

Marina Romanenko - psychologist, creator of the “Academy of Professional Parenthood”, a business coach and mother of four (for two with her husband) children: