How often this occurs among parents: a naughty child refuses to impute your arguments, and literally on the go you come up with some kind of frightening phrase. In theory, it should stabilize the child, make her change her mind and calm down. But what really happens in the head of your native child when he hears again from an annoyed mother “Stop it, otherwise I will not love you anymore!” or “Do as I say, or I’ll leave you right on the street and leave!”- how often the child hears these words. Does he perceive them as an adult? Understanding or fear - what will protect the child from danger?
An experienced psychologist reveals all the dangers of such a method of manipulating his child. And warns: such phrases can seriously undermine your parental authority! Why is bullying often leading to the opposite result and how to find a reasonable replacement for it?
“I'm tired of your seizures! Stop yelling now! Otherwise, I will leave you here and go home myself! Do you hear me? I will leave you and leave! I'm tired of you already, no strength! ” - heard in the middle of the street, and in response came more and more piercing children's sobs.
- Tell me, please, in such a typical situation, does every mother happen?
— Yes, indeed, such a picture on the street can be seen often. The parent, tired and annoyed, drags almost the drag of his pushing child, and he yells more and more. Intimidation turns out to be ineffective, and the adult himself is hardly able to restrain hysteria and tears from impotence.
- And how to interrupt this crazy cycle? You, as an experienced child psychologist, what advice can you give parents?
— Stop, take a deep breath, try to recover. Try to distance yourself from your annoyance and realize that your anger will not lead to anything. On the contrary, the more an adult becomes inflamed, the more a child becomes nervous. The only way out of this situation is to try to look at yourself through the eyes of your own child. He doesn’t just fall into a nervous fit and refuses to obey. So something led to this, some chain of events upset him. It may be that he was even just tired. Or he is hot, not comfortable in his clothes. Even relatively grown up children can not always understand the cause of their nervous tension. There is still no ability to analyze events and find in them some important essence. Therefore, it is important to be patient. The child may not answer what happened to him and why he is so upset, but this does not mean that there is no reason. You are an adequate and adult person, a responsible parent. If it is not possible from the child to achieve a clear answer, then stop tyranny. Just accept the thought that at the moment he is not in himself.And it is completely absurd to begin to oppress the child even more, intimidating or offending him.
“What needs to be done?”
- Take the child in his arms and hug him. Pull to yourself, take pity and calm. Give him some time for the nervous tension to begin to fade. Any hysteria and a massive fountain of children's tears is an attempt to relieve stress. Let off steam, if you like. Each person needs a periodic discharge, especially after a hard day or recently experienced unpleasant situations. Your child is no exception. He is not yet able to help himself on his own. And not every adult is able to control their emotions in moments of moral depression, physical fatigue. It is foolish to demand this from a small child.
- That is, the parental reaction to this behavior of the child should be affection and calm?
- Exactly. Only in this case the child can calm down, recover.
- And if you continue to pull him, scold and try to intimidate?
- Firstly, the child will hysteria more and more. As a result, you will have to apply physical punishment, almost always this is where it all ends. Secondly, a bad mood for the parent will be provided. For a long time! Because even at home, the child does not immediately begin to calm down. Most likely, the mood of your child will be capricious and bad until the very moment you go to sleep at night. Who needs this?
Thirdly, the child will draw simple conclusions about the fact that at times when he is ill, mom (or dad) exacerbate his situation. Simply put, a trusting relationship with your child will then be impossible. And one more thing: children may seriously worry about the strength and stability of your love. If a mother constantly threatens to leave her child on the street or not to pick up from a kindergarten - does she love him at all? This has a very negative effect on relationships.
“But these intimidations were invented.” All of these threats are just an attempt to stop the tantrums of children. Don't the children understand this?
- Not always. The child may be confused by the parent words. Moreover, in some way this is a real lie. You yourself set a bad example for your child. You resort to lies to manipulate and achieve what you want. Children can adopt such psychological tricks. And use them in the future even against yourself!
- It seems that the child’s public tantrums are an indicator of a bad mom?
“No, I'm not at all trying to offend my parents.” But it is they who are responsible for their children. And often they don’t even want to try to understand them, to learn how to compromise. It’s very stupid to react to children's whims with your own cries. Is not it? When an adult falls to the level of a three-year-old child who stomps on the floor in a kindergarten locker room - this is at least strange. (read also: how to react to children's vagaries)
“When my child suddenly begins to be capricious, becomes tearful and does not make contact, then I just kneel down in front of him, stretch out my arms and hug. I show that I am a friend and you can always rely on me. And that I do not need to explain anything. And any hysteria instantly comes to naught. ”
- In words, everything turns out quite simple. But is it possible to learn this the first time? It seems to me that it’s quite difficult to control yourself when you come to a kindergarten for a child after a hard day's work, and he starts shouting from the threshold, falling to the floor and sobbing?
- Of course, this is precisely the main nuance. If you yourself are annoyed and in a bad mood, it is much harder to calmly react to the sudden whims of your child. But think about these moments at such moments: is it possible that your child today was not having his best day? As an adult, it’s easier for you to suppress your negative emotions. And the child’s tense psyche explodes suddenly.Understand that your child could struggle all day in his kindergarten with his dejected state, but now he sees you, the dearest and closest person. And then there is a rapid surge of emotions due to accumulated stress. What would you like at that moment?
- Probably just to console and pity me ...
“Your child needs it too.” But he does not know how to analyze his mental state and will not be able to produce such a long logical chain to tell you: “Mom, today I am very tired and feel bad, and a nurse came to our group and took a blood test from a finger. All this greatly upset me, because I feel nervous tension. Hold me and do something so that I can calm down. ”
The child simply feels severe discomfort, and the appearance of the parent serves as a powerful catalyst. So the tantrum begins, uncontrollable tears. It is impossible for a child to cope with such a flow on his own. Just understand that at this moment your child is very bad. And take pity.
- And what happens to children if at such moments the parent does not come to the rescue?
- The child begins to think that he is completely alone. He can become isolated in himself. He will try to get comfort from you once, second, third. It is possible that in these stages of new attempts, his tantrums will worsen and reach their peak. But then he realizes the futility of his actions. Not right away, of course.
- And then what?
“You just lose your child.” He will learn to do without you. If he could not count on your understanding in his deep childhood, then with the advent of adolescence, this alienation will worsen even more.
“I knew a girl who, even as an adult, harbored a grudge against her mother for having once abandoned her at a children's clinic. The girl was afraid to be vaccinated and threw a tantrum under the doctor’s office. Mom did not find anything better than to start screaming at a frightened child, and even hit her. And then she turned and silently walked away. Surprisingly, the girl remembered this incident for her whole life. ”
- It turns out that it is not so easy to be a patient and loving parent. Are there any rules so that you can learn this faster?
- In fact, there is nothing archaic about this. Try to think not only about yourself. At the time of children's disobedience, the parent is fixated only on his inner feelings. He feels anger, chagrin, annoyance. And this completely absorbs him, but for some reason he forgets about the feelings and condition of the child.
“Well, then, how are things going in order to teach a child to seriously fear something?” For example, a fire? Or strangers? If the bullying method is an inappropriate option.
- Of course, it is necessary to talk about possible dangers. But not in a depressing manner and without terrifying embellishments. I had a patient who, in all colors, painted the nightmares that occur on highways for an eight-year-old child. He even showed him photos from car accidents, videos in news feeds. It seemed to him that in this way his child would be protected as much as possible, would cross the road strictly to green.
And once the class teacher called from school and said that their son was constantly late for classes. Parents reprimanded the child, during which it turned out that the student is afraid to cross the road even to the green light. One kind of automobile road terrified him; a child stood at the traffic light for half an hour, gathering his courage and dousing himself with cold sweat.
We also read: 10 precautions that parents should educate their child
- To frighten a child by giving him to an orphanage for disobedience is a terrible taboo?
- Naturally. As well as talking about what you stop loving. And any phrases in a similar vein. This will not teach the child anything, but it will scare him.
- It turns out that the main thing is to try to be a child, first of all, a friend, not to lie to him and not to ignore his inner state?
- Exactly! Be more lenient.And learn to intuitively understand when it is hard or bad for your child to come to help in time. Then there will be no reasons for tantrums.
We also read: why does the child not obey and what to do?
Child obedience through bullying
The son is 5.5 years old, sometimes very naughty, sometimes moody, comes to hysteria, at that moment neither threat nor affection helps, the only saving option is to distract his attention from the problem and interest him in something else.