Hello to all! FROMToday we will talk about one of the most painful topics for parents.: what to do, when children in the same family fight? It could be brothers, sisters. And suddenly in a family fight!
Video. Psychologist Marina Romanenko.In this video, we are talking about the most painful topic for parents - the fights of children in the family. Psychologist Marina Romanenko talks about the causes of quarrels between brothers and sisters, how to calm them down quickly, and where not to get involved in the conflict at all:
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Text version:
Children fight among themselves: what to do?
The most important thing to understand at this point in time is that almost everyone who had brothers or sisters fought among themselves. Therefore, this is such a topic that everyone came across as being small, if he had a brother or sister, or becoming a parent when we had more than one child. And there are certain rules on how to act so that fights, in general, cease to be, and the relationship between the children remains very good.
Why are the kids fighting?
1. Because of the toys
The first reason children can fight is toys when one pretends to be another's toys. The elder, as a rule, protects his own and does not want to give, and this is the reason for the quarrels.
We also read: What if the child does not share toys?
2. Because of things
The second - sometimes it happens: the children have grown up, they are starting to carry each other's things, and at home it’s just “Aah!” already in adolescence, when one sister put on the things of another sister, or shoes, or a bag without demand, right? This is also such a moment, which may be the reason why the children are fighting.
3. To attract attention
And they can also fight, because they attract the attention of parents in this way, so they want to pull, to pay a little more attention to themselves.
4. Restore justice
And another point that I often came across why children in the family can fight is because they want to restore some kind of justice. The elders, as a rule, sometimes get so tired of custody, and the fact that the younger ones are protected all the time, or that their property is claimed that they just sometimes can suddenly start a fight, well, to let off steam, and to protect themselves somehow , his integrity, and his property in the family.
What do parents need to do?
1. Separate the toys
The first thing I want to say is that if children fight over toys, please separate the toys! There are no common ones. It does not happen that a junior has the right to take a toy from an older one. Not! Please determine: the elder’s toys are rightfully his, if they bought or presented them to him. And they do not inherit, they remain him if he does not decide to give them to someone himself.
When the second child is born in the family, buy him your set of toys.It is not automatically implied that if for three years the elder has not played with the machine, then you can give it to the younger, and hope that he does not see this. The first thing he does is go, pick up, and say that it is mine! On yours “You haven’t played for three years!” he will say: “So what! This is my toy! ”
And if you persuade him, at this moment, it is not clear why, the parent suddenly decides to love more than the youngest rather than the older one, to break the character of the older child, not to respect him, for some reason to give the younger one a toy. Listen, buy him his set of toys! And the older one should have his own toys, and this is sacred!
And teach the children to ask each other: “Can I get a toy from you?” And give permission, especially to the eldest, to say: “No, you can’t!” Then reassure the younger, if he cries, take him somewhere, switch him. But the rule remains the same - teach them to ask each other! And if allowed, then yes, of course, take it. If you are not allowed, you can’t take it.
I would also warn the elders that the younger one will crawl everywhere. And if your toys lie where he can easily reach, take them away if you do not want to give them. In order not to create these conflicts, so that you would not want to protect the youngest where, in fact, he, in general, does not need protection.
We also read: Should a child share toys?
2. Separate things
The second - when they fight over things, the same story: two shelves, things. Sometimes you have to buy even the exact same ones, because the youngest wants the same as the older. Buy the same!
And enter the same rule: ask if you can take or not. You can’t take anything without demand. Thus, you foster self-esteem, respect. And the world will not cave in front of your child, who is used to taking other people's things without demand or with impunity. This is strange. He can’t go out, take your car without demand, and leave? Why then can he take another thing or toy? To ask is a culture that definitely will not be superfluous in the family!
3. Pay attention to both children
The next moment when the children are fighting among themselves, attracting your attention. Just think that each of them wants to get a piece of you. Sometimes they want it at the same time. You are hugged by a small child, the older one can push him. I know one who said: “This is my mother!”
When the youngest is born in the family, the elder suddenly begins to share his beloved mom and dad with someone else. Obviously, sometimes he will try to push everyone away so that all the attention, as before, was given to him. So understand this. It is not necessary to protect the baby by all means, it is only necessary that he never appears on the line of fire when the forces are not equal. But pay attention to the elder, pay attention to the younger.
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Sometimes it has to be done at the same time. One on hand, the second on hand. I kiss this, this kiss. Just don’t say that you love them equally, it doesn’t work. All that they hear ... They secretly count the kisses that everyone got.
Remember that you need to give the eldest as much time as the younger. Not only at the moment when they physically demand this from you, but also at other times. Then you will reduce the number of brawls that relate to the fact that you pay attention to them, and give your warmth, love, care. And they showed in quotation marks to another who of the children is more important in the family.
Try to prevent this by hugging and kissing your child, one and the second, as often as possible, saying that you love them. But not you love them. “I love you!” Passing by. "I love you!" Passing. Everyone wants to be the center of the universe! Give them the feeling that they are the center of the universe!
4. Do not introduce double standards
You know, do not yet introduce double standards into the family.This may also be the reason why children can conflict or fight in the family, when one gets more, the other somehow gets less. already if divided, then in half, immediately and always.
And the key to success of parents in families where more than one child is not to take sides. You cannot be on the side of one, or on the side of the other. You are a parent, you love your children equally, and you cannot take sides, you do not have such a right.
We must reduce the number of fights that can take place there for the reasons that we just named. But it’s best not to interfere. What do I mean when I say: "Do not interfere"?
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When the children came running to you, like mine, for example, they ran to me: “Ah, this one hit me! This one hit me! ” I say: well, and what came running? They, such, are waiting for me to tell someone that he is right, and to someone - not right. I say: “Quickly from me, and sort it out there!” Come and tell me that you have already reconciled! ” And they came running and said: “Everything is already fine with us! We have already reconciled! ” Fine!
In this way, somewhere, without taking sides, send them to sort it out with each other, in a comic form, showing that you are not-no-not, you are not playing these games, you are not being drawn to one of the sides.
5. Always be there
Another very important rule that parents must follow. When you have children, and they have conflicts, of course, you should be there. What is nearby? The younger the children, the closer you must physically be in two or three steps, sometimes one step away. But if all of a sudden - you once, and divorced them in different directions, and they can not harm each other.
The children begin to be a little older, well, maybe you are there at three, four meters, but they are always in your field of vision. You cook and watch them. You can’t hope that while you do something quickly in the kitchen, the room will be quiet. Drag the rug into the kitchen so that the children play next to you, and are under your ... Well, not that vigilant control, no, but that you can quickly respond if you suddenly need your help.
When the weather children, and they are small, or twins, and they are small, they rarely can cause serious damage to each other, so you are nearby, look, if necessary, you separate.
But when the difference between the children is two or three years old, this means that you can be the parent of a one-year-old child and a three-year-old child, three-year-old, six-year-old or eight-year-old, and then, if a fight starts, then the forces are not equal. The one who is higher, bigger, stronger, as a rule, he can hit harder. Accordingly, at this moment you too should be near, and be ready to separate. Remember, you cannot take sides!
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Sometimes it will work if you simply remove the younger one and transfer there on the other side of yourself, and for some time say: “No, no, no, you play separately, because together you definitely cannot be!” Separately.
Try to say less to children: “You can’t fight!” or something else, because they’re not just fighting. Children generally never do anything for nothing. There is some reason. And you may not know her. You do not participate in their conversations, you are not one of them, you do not feel what they feel, so the reason may elude you. Just take them apart! Put one in one direction, the other in the other direction, and for a while, until the passions have settled, do not let them converge.
Know your children love each other, that's for sure. But as soon as you start to take something side, the sense of justice of the child, whose side you did not take, begins to worsen. And at that moment you are making such a crack in their relationship. Here the rules that say about the family work very well: “Lovely scolding - just amuse!” Here they quarreled, then they reconciled, then we play further. So are your children: they quarreled here, made peace here, they live on here, they play here, they love each other.
Just be careful that they cannot harm each other, separate in time, and know that this age will pass. And if you didn’t take sides, did not aggravate the sense of justice, your children will live long, peacefully, being adults, support and help each other. And they will not accumulate resentment not expressed on a brother, sister, or brothers, or sisters, stretching from deep childhood.
We also read: Intersection of interests or how to calm little brawlers?
