In appearance, all mothers look perfect. In general, before the birth of the baby, it seems that motherhood is a complete joy, only then it turns out that everything is not so simple. There are some nuances that mothers prefer to keep secret. Speaking frankly about them, everyone will think that you are not a caring and loving mother, but an evil stepmother. And it’s inconvenient to start such conversations. All this seems abnormal, unworthy of a real mother. Therefore, we decide not to admit our own weaknesses, sometimes even to ourselves. And yet I decided to talk about them.
1. Irritation
It so happened that it is not customary for us to show emotions. Rather, a strict ban was imposed on the publication of some of them. Advertising only fuels the stereotype that the ideal mother should look perfect, be active, smile radiantly and glow with an inner light. She has so much strength and patience that she even cries at night with a gentle smile, fluttering easily from her bed to the crib and back.
This idyllic picture is possible only on the TV screen. In the real world, mom is also a person who can get tired, offended, cry, want to relax, drown and feel sorry for herself, get angry. All this is not due to the fact that she is bad or does not love her child. She's just alive.
One cannot openly declare: "I am annoyed." You have to keep emotions to yourself, it is even more annoying, all the negative accumulates, and as a result falls on the head of the most dear, dear and completely defenseless child. Then, inevitably, a feeling of shame develops, you begin to blame yourself for being a bad mother, not enough to love your baby. Due to the fact that you are ashamed, you pretend that everything is normal, nothing special happened. Only this silence depresses. Following shame comes a feeling of guilt that presses on your chest like a huge concrete slab, which specifically covered you. With this load, the young mother tries to live, love her little one, conform to stereotypes.
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I will not hide, sometimes I am irritated. This is due to fatigue, an oppressive monotony of life, some monotony of actions, and even because of the banal PMS.At such moments, it’s hard for me to find enough patience in me to put my diaper on to an infinitely spinning, stretching and at the same time indignant son, to remain completely calm and calm. I can shout “Saaaashaaaaa, but on the pope!”, I can just scream “aaaaa”. So far, I manage to restrain myself and shout as if in jest, but only deep down I realize that I'm starting to get annoyed. At such moments, I immediately apologize to the baby, say that I love him, and explain that my mother is tired, broke, but he is absolutely not to blame.
“Forgive me, sonny. Mom is just very tired today and therefore annoyed. But it’s not your fault at all. And I love you".
I doubt that in a year old a child understands all this. However, I would like to hope that he accepts and accepts my apologies at the level of emotions.
Dear mothers, be open and do not be afraid to express what is boiling, do not be shy of your emotions: if you are angry, annoyed, admit it to yourself, share with loved ones, but do not keep the negative deep inside yourself. Of course, I do not advise pouring all my irritation and discontent on the household, spoiling their mood. You can always go to your husband and say: “Honey, I'm very tired and annoyed right now. Please sit with my son for about 15 minutes, and I need to lie in the bathroom and relax. ". The spouse will respond clearly to such a request better and more adequately than to your cries.
Remember that you absolutely do not have to be a robot (I wanted to say “ideal”, but ideals are also alive). You will not turn into a stepmother if you admit that you really feel. Allow yourself to be a living person with his own weaknesses.
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2. Longing for a past life
The image of an ideal mother who wants to fit is a woman who does not remember herself from happiness after the birth of her baby. I really really, really waited for my son. For many years I dreamed of a child, I begged God for this treasure. At one point, a miracle happened. I endured pregnancy easily, felt good, was active. True, the last couple of months it was hard: I had a huge belly, so I became clumsy, and also hurt my back, my legs hurt and swelled. However, in general, everything went well. Finally, my son was born. The dream has come true.
What next? The first 1.5-2 months after the birth passed, as if in a fog: night and day, weekdays and weekends - everything merged into one. I stopped distinguishing between the time of day and the days of the week. For me, everything turned into one endless and exhausting day with a baby crying or hanging on her arms, on her chest. I will not hide, then I began to miss the life that I had before I became a mother. Now, when my little one no longer wants to sit even in his arms, but prefers to rush around the apartment, holding my hands, or crawling on the floor, licking it, when I lost the opportunity to retire in the bath or in the toilet (why hide) - because through a couple of minutes the door opens and I see this contented face ... sometimes I miss my carefree past. That is my truth.
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Yes, sometimes I start to miss my past, which now seems completely carefree. I miss the times when I could sit back and just watch a movie or read a book, lying on the couch, miss going to the movies and theater, cafe ... And yet there is one huge “BUT” that eclipses all this ... 🙂 If only now I got a real chance to return to the past and not give birth to my miracle, for nothing in the world I would not agree to this. I just love my baby. The moments when my little one clings to me, unconditionally trusting, when he sleeps sweetly and smacking his lips, when he laughs, are the most precious and valuable to my heart. They fully compensate for the absence of all the joys that were in my past life.
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3. To act not as correctly, but as conveniently
The first 2-3 weeks of my life, my baby was constantly crying / screaming, then sleeping in my arms, I began to seriously think about the dummy. Often a baby does not suckle because of hunger, but simply because of a developed sucking reflex. I so wanted to get at least a couple of free minutes to drink a cup of tea in silence. How then I was tormented, thought, whether it is necessary to give a pacifier, the baby can then refuse to breast, and this is a bad habit, and indeed, where is my maternal patience and love. My girlfriend and part-time mother of many children then uttered a phrase that saved me from worries: “Just calm down, this is far from the first and not the last time you can feel like a stepmother”. It helped me relax, and the dummy became our salvation.
My son has already grown up, he’s almost a year old, but I'm sure it’s too early to clog his head TV and cartoons. By the word “litter” I mean a long viewing, more than 20-30 minutes. I think that the nervous system of the crumbs has not yet grown stronger and is not ready for such loads and will be very tired of the visual and noise flow. Nevertheless, when it becomes necessary to do something urgent, I sometimes sit the child in front of the TV, turn on cartoons and do my own thing. Is it good? Hardly. Does my conscience bother me? Tormenting. But ... nonetheless, sometimes I do something that is not quite convenient and correct for the child, but convenient for me. It is comforting that such actions were not caused by my personal whim, but by the fact that there are no other options. I believe this is not the last such situation.
Live in love!
In fact, if you delve deep into the depths of your soul, you can still find a lot of interesting things that interfere with life and joy. Most often, we are talking about established restrictions on the manifestation of feelings and emotions or the desire to comply with stereotypes about an ideal mother.
Please forget about it. Allow yourself to be a living person, admit to yourself that sometimes you buy complementary foods in jars to save time. Yes, a young mother sometimes gets angry and cries, like everyone else, from time to time she also wants to be lazy, lie on the couch in front of the TV, or just stay alone. Allow yourself to be yourself and not adapt to stereotypes and opinions imposed by someone. Then you will retain the ability to love your little angel as much and sincerely as he deserves.
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Video of Liliya Boyko: What are mothers silent about? Frankly about intimate life, breast, stomach, body and psyche
That was rightly said at the end of “conform to stereotypes about the ideal mother”. To be “ideal” is to stand on the verge of a neurosis or something else bad. Maybe there is no concept of an ideal mother, because an ideal means giving herself all, but is this normal? You don’t have to do everything in order to be in time here and there, you just need to give the baby comfort, care and love, then he will be happy and there is nothing wrong with the dummies, cartoons a bit, because a healthy mother is a healthy baby.
I never saw a special need to carefully hide my irritation in order to be an ideal mother. Emotions need to be given a way out, but only so as not to scare the child. A good way out is a silent cry. This is when everything is tired, you take a lot of air into your chest and scream, as if to the full throat, but at the same time soundlessly! And immediately it starts to get easier, the irritation goes away.
After giving birth, my hormonal background has changed specifically. Sometimes attacks of irritability attack me, but I try not to break down on those close to me at these moments. I understand that every day is a groundhog day, but this is not forever! You look at your little miracle and as if everything passes by itself. After all, you understand that there is nothing more beloved and dearer in the world.