In this article, we will touch on some of the most sacred topics for young mothers - those in which they are sometimes afraid to admit not only to friends and relatives, but even to themselves. Namely, it will be about why you sometimes feel anger and irritation towards your child. We will talk about the main causes of such negative emotions and how to eliminate them, according to the children's psychologist Daria Selivanova.
Mommies talk reluctantly on such a topic. This is absolutely not surprising, because such emotions in relation to your child, in theory, should not be experienced. For example, anger, anxiety, irritation - all this brings you discomfort, but admitting to it can be very difficult even to yourself.
A few life stories
One day a young mom came to the reception. Let's call her Alexandra. Son Alexandra was 2 years old at that time. The woman was faced with the fact that she could not leave her baby with anyone, even with close relatives. Even under the supervision of her father, she left her son reluctantly. The reason lay in herself - she simply was very afraid for her baby, inside there was a sense of anxiety for him.
Pregnancy and childbirth were difficult. The boy was often sick. And at 11 months he was generally taken to the hospital for an ambulance. After that, Alexandra had a constant feeling of anxiety for her son, whom she has not been able to get rid of until now. When she leaves somewhere even for a short while, she starts to call home every 15 minutes and ask about the child. A woman is haunted by constant fear that something might happen in her absence with her son. The child also feels this and does not want to let her go anywhere. He constantly asks in his arms and seeks to spend all the time next to Alexandra. This is very annoying for the woman herself, she is ashamed of her unsubstantiated fears, but she cannot do anything.
Now imagine that all these disturbing feelings inside you are boiling water in a kettle. In theory, it needs to be turned off or removed from the fire. Instead, you plug him in the nose. He stops whistling, but the boil continues.
The second mother, let's call her Veronica, turned to a psychologist with a slightly different problem. Her daughter at that time was 3 years old, and with age her character became increasingly unbearable. Veronica had previously felt a sense of anger and irritation in response to the girl's disobedience. But before this did not seem such a problem, since in general the baby was obedient. But gradually, the situation began to get out of control. The child startedcrisis of 3 years of age“, She began to show character, which made Veronica very angry. The woman often broke into a cry, spanked her daughter, but this did not bring tangible results.Veronica was almost desperate, because adequate thoughts on what to do in such a situation did not appear in her head. At the same time, she shamed herself for these breakdowns, tried to keep herself in control, but this did not always work out.
We also read: To beat or not to beat a child - the consequences of physical punishment of children
What to do in this situation?
The above examples are not accidentally combined in this article. These are two different people, two different situations, two different families from each other. However, they have something in common - both moms consider themselves insane. Each of them pushes itself into this framework, and we get a “vicious circle”.
Each of these two women has an idea of what it means to be a good mother. This idea is formed by childhood itself and remains with us in the future. Moreover, we redo it for ourselves: we take some points for note, and some we change. Most of these ideas are formed unconsciously. That is, we do not think about whether we really think so, but we take it for granted.
Partly your views on this issue form public opinion. Sometimes even the remark of a pediatrician or an accidental person can be deposited in the brain and affect your opinion in the future.
Any mommy consciously or unconsciously believes that there are “right” and “wrong” feelings in relation to her child. The “right ones” include love, care, pride, tenderness, delight. And “wrong” is anger, irritation, unreasonable anxiety. When there are too many “wrong” feelings, the young mother begins to feel insane, especially if she herself easily succumbs to the arising feelings of guilt and shame.
By the way, think - what “piggy bank” do you think these feelings belong to? After all, each person thinks in his own way. Take, for example, the feeling of shame. On the one hand, it is unpleasant. And on the other - if mom is ashamed of her behavior - maybe this is normal?
And now back to the topic of “insane mothers”, which was mentioned at the beginning of the article. Both women walk in a vicious circle into which they themselves have driven themselves. The reason is in their own ideas about normal thoughts that oppose emerging negative feelings. Both of them tried to pull themselves together, controlling emotions, which was fundamentally the wrong position. This way of dealing with oneself will not only not bring results - it is also harmful. Pay attention to this, so as not to step on the same rake.
Any “wrong” emotions arise in response to the fact that something does not suit you in your life. And when you try to hide this emotion deeper, you are only trying to escape from the problem. But she is, therefore, attempts to “not notice her” do not mean that she has ceased to bother you. Because of this, your breakdowns occur. Ignore the problem does not solve it, but simply postpones it for a while.
Remember the example of a boiling kettle. Inside it boils your “wrong” emotions. Instead of removing the kettle from the stove, for some reason, you plug it into the cork with a stopper. It is unlikely that the cork will last long - if you do not remove the kettle from the fire for a long time, the cork will simply be knocked out and water will pour onto the stove.
If you think that you are becoming “insane”, do not try to run away from your emotions and, moreover, do not suppress them. Better analyze the situation - why is this happening, what is the problem? If you can not find the answer yourself - contact a psychologist. Do not be afraid to admit your feelings openly. It can be scary at first, and then you will feel relief. The two moms we talked about are normal people. They just needed to change their attitude to their feelings a little.
We also read:
- From the practice of a psychologist: why do we scream at children?
- 3 sins that many young mothers are silent about: a personal story
Video from super moms: How not to yell at a child - 3 barriers to yourself
