Many mothers cannot control their emotions. They come to the psychologist complaining that they can no longer tolerate the tricks of the children, can not stand it and begin to scream. Moms feel guilty, promise themselves to be balanced, but sooner or later they break down again and react very emotionally. Psychologist Lyudmila Semenova agreed to tell why mothers scream at their children.
- Mom screams when tired
As a practicing psychologist, I noticed that crying outbreaks often happen when my mother is tired. Communication with children and homework is very tiring, and not just physically. Psychological fatigue is especially dangerous.
A good mom has many responsibilities. She should take care of healthy nutrition, beautiful and clean clothes for the baby, lessons learned in time. Mom makes too high demands on herself and her duties and is overworked. All these “musts” oppress her.
I want to explain with an example. Mom Vanya Tatyana came to me for help. Ten-year-old Vanya is very lazy. The boy does not make his bed, does not wash the dishes, and does not even fold it into the sink. He does not hang his clothes in a closet, but throws it randomly. Tatyana calmly explains to her son every day that the plate needs to be washed, clothes should be carefully hung. But tomorrow everything repeats. Is it possible not to get angry and not cry out if you constantly have to clean up your son and finish everything up for him?
What do you need to do? It is necessary to stop doing his work for the child. You do not have to clean the bed of a ten-year-old boy, you do not have to wash the dishes for him. Vanya can and must do all this himself. Another thing, he really does not want, laziness. If you do everything for Vanya, he will never change. Your duty is not to control whether Vanya did what he should well. You need to help Vanya want to change.
I advised Vanina’s mother to tolerate a little bit and not to interfere in Vanina’s affairs: do not hang clothes in the closet, do not wash his plate. The very next day, Vanya realized that his jacket and trousers were hopelessly wrinkled, and yet he wanted to look tidy! In the morning, he still had to wash the plate, because there was nothing to eat breakfast. More and more often, teachers scolded Vanya for his untidy appearance, his classmates began to chuckle at him. Vanya decided to fulfill his duties. Not everything worked out for him, often laziness defeated the desire to be neat, a good boy. But Tatyana patiently waited and did not recall the suit, the plates. About a month lasted the struggle of Vanya with himself. But he defeated his laziness with his mother’s help.
- Mom screams when she's mad at someone else
Not always the reason for Mom's scream is in the disobedience of the child. Sometimes disobedience to a child is just an excuse for a surge of aggression and dissatisfaction. If mom is angry with dad, unhappy with him, then she can start screaming because of any trifle.
I will tell you about a case from my practice. Veronika, the mother of five-year-old Margarita, came to the reception. The girl is usually obedient and balanced, trying to fulfill all my mother's requests. But Veronica still often finds fault with her because of trifles.It turned out that Veronica with her husband and daughter lives in the same apartment with her mother-in-law. The family has no opportunity to live separately, and relations between women do not add up. Veronica is tired of the mother-in-law’s endless nit-picking, is often annoyed, but breaks down on her daughter, instead of forging a relationship with her mother-in-law. Veronica is angry with her mother-in-law, and scolds her daughter, although she did nothing wrong.
- Mama screams when she feels guilty
This seems illogical, because the guilty person should not be aggressive. But often guilt provokes a cry, which is a protective reaction of mom.
Here is a case in point from my practice. Eugene, the mother of thirteen-year-old Lily, turned to me for advice. The girl dreamed of going to a sports camp on summer vacation. Mom was categorically against the trip, anxiety did not leave her. Eugenia was one of those mothers who all the time are worried about the health of children, their safety and they just think: “I'm a bad mother.” In the end, Eugene succumbed to her daughter's requests. In the camp, Lily broke her arm. Eugene considered herself guilty of what happened. She began to patronize her daughter even more, tried not to let her go anywhere and was angry and screaming for any reason. Eugene thought she was a bad mother, since she could not preserve her daughter's health. As soon as she understood that the situation was getting out of control, that she, as a mother, could not help, she began to get angry. Mom Lily did not understand that she was angry because she felt guilty and helpless in this situation.
- Mom screams when she cannot be realized in other areas of life
It is not enough for a woman to be a good mother. So it is arranged that she wants to achieve a lot in her profession, in personal relationships, but you never know what else. If the mother deals only with the child, she feels that the baby limits her. After all, she is a good mother, and there are many prejudices that a good mother should not do (she should not hire a nanny for the child, she should not send the baby to the kindergarten before three years old, she should not leave him crying in the crib ...)
Here is a situation typical of many young mothers. Sveta gave birth to a daughter Julia at 18 years old. Now Yulia is already 5, but Sveta still cannot graduate from the institute and get the desired profession. She tried several times to give Julia to kindergarten, but the girl was sick so often that doctors advised her to stay at home until school. The family has no opportunity to hire a nanny, there are no grandparents nearby. So Sveta has to sit at home with Julia all the time. Mom understands that the daughter is not to blame for anything, but she is annoyed, shouting at Julia for nothing. Sveta perceives Julia as an obstacle restricting her freedom. The girl does not want to be a "bad mother", but she does not have the strength to be "good."
There are other reasons that mothers scream at their beloved and desired children. If this often happens, if you don’t have the strength to endure the child’s pranks, if you break down and get annoyed, look for the reason. Why are you really angry? Are you tired, afraid for your child or feel guilty? Or maybe you think you're wrong?
READ ALSO: What should I do if I constantly scream at my child? -https://kid.htgetrid.com/en/psihologiya-detey/chto-mne-delat-esli-ya-postoyanno-krichu-na-svoego-rebenka.html
10 tips to stop yelling at your children -https://kid.htgetrid.com/en/psihologiya-detey/kak-perestat-krichat-na-svoih-detey.html
Do not forget the main thing: you are a good mother. We are all mistaken, annoyed, frustrating others. You can’t always behave correctly. But you want to be good, worry about the happiness of your baby and love him. You just need to think about what can be changed for the better in your relationship with your child. And always love him!
How not to scream at the child:
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Trust group. Tearing off the kid:
I raise my voice at the child when he does not pay attention to ordinary words. My daughter, my favorite, probably, like all children, does not always obey her mother, and then I scold her. But this is not due to the fact that I am tired or angry at someone. For educational purposes only. The daughter is offended, and then I regret that I scolded her.
I also encountered such a problem. Our son is a little lazy and spoiled, so we sometimes broke down and shouted at him. In fact, you should not do this, before any request from a child, you must definitely praise him, and after completing the assignment, praise him again and give him something to encourage. Then he will do everything with great desire. Another valid method is to praise it in the presence of strangers. After all, if you constantly shout at the child, he will spite you doing the opposite, and even worse, he may close you.