How to make a child become an excellent student? Of course, compare him with a successful classmate. How to calm your child if he had a tantrum in a public place? Promise a spanking at home with a belt. Often, it is precisely these “ingenious” methods that parents use. And when their children grow up clogged and unadaptable for life, they begin to lament how it happened.Family psychologist Svetlana Merkulova I am sure that even one carelessly thrown phrase can greatly affect the psyche of a small person, so when communicating with your child, you should carefully choose the words. What expressions are better to forget forever for mothers and fathers, she told AiF.ru.
1. I studied perfectly at your age
From birth to six years, mom and dad for a child are practically gods who know everything. They form the attitude of the baby to the world and to himself personally. Specifically, in this phrase you can see the competition of the parent with the child, as if he were telling his child: “You will never reach me! No matter how hard you try, I’m better than you. ” Children raised with such an attitude, as a rule, all their life prove to the family that they are good. Of course, saying such things, you really stimulate the narcissistic part of the psyche of the child, which provokes him to achieve certain goals. But the trouble is that in the end, a person does not achieve something for himself, but for mom and dad so that they finally see that he is worthy of them. Growing up, such children are never happy with their successes, joy comes only if the parent acknowledges their achievements, but he is unlikely to do so.
2. You are my chicken, monkey, piglet
As soon as loving parents call their children. All this leads to the depersonalization of the child, as it were, but there is some kind of toy with which you can do whatever your heart desires. At the beginning of your life, your son or daughter will take any spoken word uncritically, they will trust you. Tell the child that he is a fool, instead of “you need help, let me explain,” and the child will accept it. I will give an example when my mother told her son in an educational impulse that he was a coward. As a result, when meeting a boy, he presented himself as follows: "My name is Vanya Ivanov, I am a coward." When you hear this, it should be an incentive to think about how you communicate with your own child. The name of a person is his presentation to the world.In some families, it turns out that it pushes in and comes up with a lot of funny names for the child, but in vain! The name should always be in the foreground, this is how a person will subsequently feel himself in this world, how complete he will be. If you often call a daughter or son a chicken or a little devil, then you are kind of biting off pieces on his behalf (on his personality).
3. Look, Katie has five for the test, and you have four
Most parents do their best. Parents themselves in childhood, most likely, had such an experience, and then they say: “It's okay, they also told me that, I’ve grown up, look how wonderful I am.” They were able to “forget” how painful it is when mom or dad rejects you and says: “Katya is better than you.” This is a very painful experience that often children transfer to their adult lives. They then begin to hate this Katya. A child is always unpleasant when compared with someone else, with a classmate, brother or sister. Such already adult people always continue to compare themselves with others and always not in their favor.
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4. Since you act like that, I don't love you
Or I can only love you when you suit me. After this phrase, the child begins to try hard to be right, he pushes all his needs and desires, “grows” in himself a certain antenna that guesses the wishes and expectations of the parents. As a result, the child does not exist. In adulthood, he tries to please all the time, lives with the attitude: “I want to be loved, but for this I have to please. I will not have my desires, but there will be desires of other people. ”
5. Do not disgrace me
In other words, the parent says, “You are my shame.” Children who often hear such a phrase really want everyone to see what they really are, and if they get someone’s attention, they don’t know what to do with it. They hide, close, get lost. Such a child does not seem to have a choice, he can only be someone's disgrace. Saying something like this, you injure your own baby.
6. You are just like a father (mother)
Of course, this phrase illustrates the relationship between the pope and mother, their dissatisfaction with their life together, which they take out on the child. That is, the spouses do not directly sort out the relationship, but through their child they say some nasty things to each other. And all these nasty things remain in the child. If mom says, "You are as stubborn as your dad." It turns out that dad is a bad person with whom it is impossible to agree. Now let's think about whether the boy wants to be such a man, because he is stubborn and bad? When we project our bad relationships on children, they have to live with it. On the other hand, in this phrase he can hear the subtext that "with girls is better than with boys." Parents use this manipulation if there is a struggle for the child and he needs to choose the side of either father or mother.
7. Do not get porridge - you will be weak and stupid
I had a friend of a girl who was told from childhood: “If you don’t get the bread, he will run after you all night.” No matter how funny it may sound, but she was terribly afraid of bread, that is, her parents achieved the opposite effect. Similar phrases are also pure manipulation. Very often they are used by grandparents who faced hunger in childhood. Further they are passed from generation to generation invisibly for us. In a child, a similar expression can develop fears or a very difficult relationship with food, its cult, excess weight, etc.
8. You will behave badly, we will give you to uncle (granny)
This is a very specific message, which states that a child is valuable only if he is comfortable with his parents. A parent broadcasts to his child: "Do not be yourself, you must be the way you suit us." Growing up, such children do not know what they want, and try to please everyone and everyone.
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9. You will get home!
This is about the fact that the parent has the right to do anything with the child, without resorting to his feelings. In one second, mom or dad turns into a parent-guard who punishes or forgives. Children who often hear such an expression in their address have a difficult relationship with their superiors, since the parental figure is as if glued to the figure of the boss, and the person begins to be afraid of the boss and at the same time wants to please him, so as not to be punished. But, as a rule, the leadership feels a similar attitude and in response begins to "spread rot" such a subordinate.
10. Go away so I don’t see or hear you
I translate: “You ruined my life, disappear! You should not be. " And subsequently, such children live with deep guilt in front of the parent, because he (the child) prevented the parent from living happily. One must be careful with such statements, since a person can carry their load all his life. In general, before you say something to your child, you need to think carefully. Many adults do not hear what they say, it would be useful for them to at least sometimes hear themselves from the outside. Now there are many gadgets, write down your speech and carefully study how you turn to your child, what words you say to him. I assure you that you will make a lot of discoveries, and perhaps not the most pleasant ones.
