Children have the skill of manipulating to achieve their desired goal. If some people go into conflict or submit, then manipulators use effective weapons of influence on parents in hidden ways. Many adults succumb to such tricks. As a result, this behavior of the child is fixed and is gradually transformed into pathological traits of character. There are treacherous manipulators who “play” on a feeling of pity. Such “victims” constantly complain about life and collect dividends - words of encouragement and help.
What is the manipulation of pity?
Toddlers from an early age understand that there is a strong connection between crying and the attention of parents. How convenient it is to manipulate on a feeling of pity! With age, the desire to evoke this feeling persists and can become an everyday way of communicating with others and a means to solve all problems.
The theme of compassion and pity is widely used in everyday life. One can easily achieve the desired goal, and it is not necessary to spend energy and achieve anything. You can just mourn or make a compassionate look - and the goal will be achieved. No wonder there is this popular phrase: “Five minutes of shame, and you are in chocolate”. Not only children, but also many adults achieve the desired results, "playing" on a sense of self-pity.
Manipulator children are struggling to show parents how sick and lonely they are, how miserable and weak they are. Causing pity, they get their parents to melt and start using them. Recall a cat from a cartoon about Shrek. He deceived the warriors, provoking their pity, and suddenly attacked them. By manipulating parents, children do the same. They easily and simply get their parents to do everything they need.
Why is it so convenient for a child to be a victim and “crush” pity?
The American psychologist Eric Burn called his book about the problems of human relations "Games People Play". In it, he describes a non-childish game based on the manipulation of pity, which he calls "Look at what you brought me to." He talks about the classic model of victims who behave accordingly and are favorably arranged in life.
The child quickly learns that being a victim is not so bad. Nobody accuses the victim, because she is already so sick. She is always right and in the spotlight with her problems. She is sorry and sympathized with her. Victims have an effective way of manipulating other people, especially if they can cause them to feel guilty or awkward. They always rely on easy assistance and can justify their failures.
Many parents become psychologically dependent on children playing victims. This is especially true for those who have excessively developed compassion for others, compassion and compassion.
Children, taking the position of the victim, easily get high marks in school. It is enough to cry at the right time, to talk about difficult family problems or your own feelings. The main thing is that the teacher should be sympathetic and compassionate. Being in a victim position, one can calmly win debates and discussions. Phrase like “If you were in my place ...” immediately lead to the desired goal. And how simple it is for a child, posing as a victim, to beg parents for any toy or entertainment!
How to deal with such negative behavior in children as manipulating pity? And to whom do they imitate?
Parent behavior is the main reason for child manipulation
It is the parents who are a clear role model for the child. They show in their lives and relationships how to behave. The child clearly copies the model of relationships that is inherent in the family. Parents should remember that the main reason for children's behavior based on the manipulation of feelings of pity is their own behavior.
Sometimes manipulation, as a model of behavior, passes from generation to generation, from grandmother to mother, from mother to daughter. Before the eyes of a growing child, from early childhood, the behavior of the victim-grandmother or victim-mother is demonstrated. Such a grandmother often cries for her life and herself “plays” with pity. Mom, adopting such a model of behavior, can reproach her father for a ruined life, blame him for all her problems and regularly use such a phrase characteristic of victims as: "Why do I need all this?". A girl who grows up in such a family, imitating her mother and grandmother, will also play a sacrifice and such behavior can negatively affect her whole future life.
If you do not want your children to grow up as manipulators, then you need to analyze your own behavior. Do not blame others for your problems and try to shift the responsibility to others. Psychologists do not recommend constantly regretting ourselves in front of children. Only the correct behavior of the parents and their positive mood will give the child a clear example of building healthy relationships in the family without manipulating feelings.
Self-pity “grows” from childhood
In some families, self-pity is instilled in a child from childhood. If the baby is really born weak and painful, then grandmothers are especially prone to being too patronized and sympathetic to him. They do not understand that their behavior can harm the child. For the rest of his life he can remain “pale and frail,” weak-willed and helpless.
Psychologists believe that pity is blind love that only harms a person. In the educational process, it is better not to spare the child, but to teach him to show mercy. The words “pity” and “mercy” are not synonymous. Pity is an impulse, a momentary feeling, and mercy is a state of mind. Showing pity means empathy and doing nothing, and showing mercy means doing something to help those in need.
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Hypersensitive children require special attention
And if the child is simply overly sensitive? There are children who especially perceive the world around them. They keenly feel injustice, vulnerable and impressionable. These are characteristic properties of their personality, and not methods of manipulation. Such children require increased attention, love, tranquility and affection.
Family and relationships in it are the standard for the behavior of the child. Real parents will do everything to become a worthy example for their children. Psychologists advise to remember: "What goes around comes around".
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Proper parenting of the child should not be based on pity for the baby, which he manipulates his parents. Parents should understand that by encouraging the actions of a child in this way, this can lead to serious problems in the future. As you get older, your requests may be higher.
My baby is only 7 months old, and it’s already clear when he’s really sick, and when he tries to twist the rope from his parents. In the second case, I turn the attention of the baby to something new, sometimes I just start laughing at his crying, after a minute we are laughing together. I know that it will be harder to continue, but I try to work on myself, to eradicate the “sacrifice” in myself, which I really observed since childhood in my grandmother and mother
Our child is already a year old and we understand perfectly when he is manipulating us, and when he is sick or bored. If he starts beating to pity, we try to turn on the cartoon or give him a book and look at the pictures there. He immediately forgets about his manipulations with pleasure switches to a new game.