Classics spoke of a generational conflict. Alas, the situation has not changed much from century to century, and the elders always “know better”, and the young ones try to defend their point of view. In disputes, as you know, truth is born, which determines the progress of mankind. But not always. Sometimes a new generation already manages to acquire their children, and overly active parents try in every possible way to promote and even impose their own patterns of behavior, sometimes in front of kids. We will analyze situations when grandparents simply need to be stopped for the good of the whole family.
1. “We raised you, so we know better how to raise your children”
Do you think that pedagogical Montessori system - A great option for the education of your crumbs, they found the appropriate kindergarten and applied there. Upon learning about this, the grandmother falls into a hysteria and claims that she is a teacher with a quarter-century experience, a nominee, a diploma winner, a laureate and a bearer of all kinds of regalia and in no case will you allow you to cripple the child's psyche with the wrong (from her point of view) construction of education .
And, perhaps, everything is exactly the opposite - you adhere to the most traditional views. But the “more advanced" grandparents consider Rudolf Steiner’s method to be the only true one, and they have already looked after the appropriate kindergarten with homemade toys for their granddaughter, or insist that the child be tempered according to Porfiry Ivanov’s system.
Another situation. Quite “traditional” in matters of handling the baby, the mother walks with the child in a stroller. And, again, modern grandparents are ardent adherents slingoculture give her a sling and too strongly recommend using it. For relatives recently read on the Internet that it is more useful for a small child to be with his mother all the time, so he feels safe and grows less anxious.
But no, maybe you are both hands per slingand the older generation is literally shaking from the lack of strollers, cribs, and other familiar “clothes for babies” in your everyday life.
In both cases no one is interested in your opinion, your arguments are declared absurd in advance. This is called imposing a model of education on you.
How to say “stop”. Firmly state for yourself: “This is my child and no one else. Therefore, the responsibility for his future and all the risks associated with his education, training and the process of socialization lie exclusively with me. So, it’s up to me to decide how all these processes will go for the baby. ” If you yourself believe in this, then it will be much easier to convey meaning to grandparents.
2. “No matter how the matchmakers try to become beloved grandparents, we are still better”
Alas, it is not so rare that the father-in-law and mother-in-law and mother-in-law create coalitions and stubbornly “conduct hostilities” for the right to be the best in the eyes of children and grandchildren. Of course, in a certain sense, one can only dream of relatives who are ready to run day and night to help in any situation, financially and morally support vying for and at the first request. This is so, until it comes to a direct threat to the health and success of the child.
For example, a little girl with an allergy to citrus fruits, “loving” grandparents buy tangerines (“New Year's Eve, it won’t hurt a little granddaughter”), and her older brother is allowed to stay up late on the Internet before a responsible six-month control. If only the children publicly recognized that these very grandmothers and grandfathers are the best, because other relatives do not allow this. And yet, it is they who give more expensive gifts, and for no reason, and not just for a holiday. Both in theaters and in cinema more often lead. And they are allowed to eat sweets before dinner in any quantity, not like some gryms, who seemed to be not children themselves ... Accordingly, the “offended” side immediately takes countermeasures similar to those described above. Whoever wins such a “battle”, your children will lose.
How to say “stop”. If you value the help of loved ones, you have to "show the wonders of balancing act" and be a diplomat. You must not give preference to anyone publicly. In family gatherings, in no case do not show your preferences, and in private conversations maneuver: for example, try to explain to your mother and mother-in-law separately that the grandson loves both of them equally and cannot choose between close people that they are equally dear to you , and for grandchildren, and call for common sense. If relatives are not overly belligerent “for life,” passions should subside over time.
3. “We are no longer young, all the bones are aching, but we selflessly do everything we can for you”
Surely many of us have observed how quite old, quite peppy ladies often complain to others about how they get off their feet, helping “youth” with their grandchildren, even if we are talking about one-time promotions every three months.
The 46-year-old young grandmother lived for a week with the family of her daughter, who had just been discharged from the hospital after a difficult birth, helping her newly minted mother take care of the baby. And now, for seven years, at every opportunity, “granny” tells how difficult it was for her to leave her husband-core at home, how difficult it was for “her age” to get up at night to a crying child, and how much washing then had to share ...
The case is not an isolated one. Often, “parents of parents” speculate on age and health, sometimes even exaggerating their role, just to prove to themselves and others their importance. And all would be fine, but such complaints can be systematically heard by a baby, in the understanding of which grandparents cannot deceive or exaggerate.
It would seem that from these complaints it is neither hot nor cold, there is only one “but”: a small child does not understand that in this way his grandmother is simply trying to attract attention and earn praise.
So, they are sick and unhappy, and at the same time sacrifice the latter for his sake. And he is to blame before them.It’s to blame for the fact that it takes time, attention of forces, for the fact that he was born, in the end ... And what thoughts can it suggest to him? .. There are already far from serious complexes ...
How to say “stop”. The casket opens simply. Let's be honest - you did not give birth to your child for your grandmother and grandfather, but for yourself. No one is obliged to provide you with assistance on a regular basis, and if assistance is provided to you, and you accept this help even the most trifling, so be able to be sincerely grateful for it. And do not hesitate to emphasize once again how much your grandparents do for you, do not skimp on words of gratitude and appreciation, do not pretend that this is a matter of course. Then, quite possibly, the flow of complaints will sharply decrease. At the same time, do not discount that relatives can really be exhausted by caring for restless grandchildren. Try to “unload” them as much as possible. After all, helping children is a voluntary matter, and not for granted.
4. “Your mother doesn’t cook well, but your father’s hands do not grow from that place”
Grandparents openly set up a child against you. This case is similar to the previous one, with the only difference being that the parents become the object of constant criticism, that is, you yourself. And this is completely inadmissible.
Alas, some parents tend to consider constant criticism, including public, just a method of education. Sometimes, “by inertia,” they begin to complain about their child, even when he does not hear it. But, if earlier it was exclusively your business with them, now your kid regularly hears such attacks. Perhaps, even in an openly insulting form: “I’d better go for a walk with you, otherwise you’ll probably get under the car with your one and a half mother,” or another similar one. And this is unacceptable, since it undermines your authority in the eyes of the child and your psycho-emotional connection with him.
How to say “stop”. Of course, attacks are insulting, but responding with a lunge for a lunge is unproductive. Better analyze your own behavior. Maybe you are overly busy with yourself, paying too much attention to the baby? Or didn’t you learn how to cook anything tastier and healthier than “lump with semolina”? Or maybe it’s really so dirty in your house that it’s just right to call a cleaning service? If at heart you agree with the remarks, and the protest is only a form, immediately begin to work on yourself. The sooner you show positive dynamics, the less parents will have reasons to shower you with complaints. However, try to convey to your relatives that you should not even voice the most fair criticism in the presence of your child. Beloved relatives should be put in a tight framework: all claims are made personally to you and only to you. Provocative remarks about parents in the presence of a child are unacceptable. If you are sure that relatives denigrate you in front of the baby with malicious intent, stop communicating with them until you change your mind. Most often this happens if the mother-in-law initially disliked the daughter-in-law ... Then she will have to act decisively - perhaps even for some time to stop the communication of her grandson with her grandparents.
5. “Mom is good, and grandmother is better”
Grandparents literally dissolve in their grandchildren, trying to replace their parents. They have their own opinions for each case - of course, radically different from yours, only they know "how the child will feel better", and try to participate in all aspects of his life, even when you do not ask them for anything.
Sometimes grandparents, instead of enjoying well-deserved peace after raising their own children, begin to behave like parents towards their grandchildren. This is similar to the first case we examined, with the only difference being that the influence of the older generation penetrates literally all spheres of a child’s life. Everywhere, from potty training methods to questions of family vacations in the summer. Orders are imposed that are in no way consistent with your point of view on the task.You are constantly “pushed into the background”, pulling and “educating” in parallel with the baby.
How to say “stop”.
When grandparents obsessively move to the parent subsystem, trying to perform the functions of mom and dad for the baby, this is a very alarming call for you. Most likely, you look too infantile in the eyes of the older generation to fulfill the parental role. Do not be offended by relatives - better think about why they do not consider you adults who are worthy to be responsible for their own child. It’s possible to turn the tide only with adults, balanced actions, proving that you are a mature person.
Have you proved to your parents that you are a mature person who is able to take care of children independently? Apparently, these proofs did not convince your parents, because for some reason they still do not perceive you as an adult. The advice is the same as in the previous situation: do an analysis of your behavior and work on yourself. Only mature balanced acts will show you worthy of a high parental mission.
Perhaps the relatives are really more experienced in matters of upbringing, have lived their lives and “know better” many things. But do not forget that in some cases such a “best” can be the enemy of the good. Realistically evaluate your capabilities, do not expect the supernatural from your grandparents.
Each of us imagines what an ideal grandmother should be: she must always be ready to come to your aid; selflessly adore your children and yourself; Unquestioningly support those rules and principles that you yourself adhere to in education; joyfully giving you and your offspring your time, strength and care only on the simple basis that she is a grandmother ... In short, to be Mary Poppins, Vasilisa the Wise and a nano-technology food processor - in one bottle. For some reason we expect a little less from grandfathers, but our requirements to them are very high. However, ideal people in nature do not exist in principle - neither parents nor children. Therefore, be able to negotiate with those who, by the will of fate, appeared next to you, and sometimes, if necessary, be able to say “stop!”
We also read:
- 5 ridiculous parenting tips that only grandmothers can give
- The role of grandparents in raising children
- How not to spoil a child with a grandmother
- How to establish a relationship between a child and his grandparents?
- 4 common types of grandparents
- Grandmother or nanny: with whom to leave the child
- Grandmother spoils her grandchildren and everything allows them - how to react to parents
How to influence grandparents so that they do not spoil the child
Video: The role of grandparents in raising grandchildren
This program will be useful to both parents and grandparents, answer difficult questions and positively affect family relationships in a large family, bringing mutual understanding, respect and the right attitude to their family status. The theme of our program is “The Role of Grandparents in the Education of Grandchildren”.
All this is due to the fact that once grandparents could not properly pay attention to their children, now they are trying to make up for what they lost on their grandchildren. When in our family someone climbed on the part of the husband, the husband intervened and put everything in its place, but when they intervened on my part, I talked and put everything in their place. So we tried to stay in the eyes of our “second” parents to stay clean and we all have a warm relationship.
But, do not forget that you still need to listen to the adult generation, because experience has come for years.
In my memory, grandparents only interfere with the upbringing of the child. Very much they allow a lot. But then again, what kind of grandmother and what grandfather. Because my grandfather, for example, drove me to the pubs. Nevertheless, I am of the opinion that parents should play a key role and not listen to teachings.
In the first case, you can be even tougher, despite the fact that these are your parents. If their message: “we have already done, then we know better, and therefore you don’t know anything” - this is like suppression by parents of any initiative of the child. That is, there is already suppression by the elderly generation of your parental initiatives. This is unacceptable.
The only person who helped me was my husband’s grandmother, i.e. great-grandmother of the son. I am very grateful to her for this. Grandmothers did not participate in this process: one was far away, and the second decided to take a walk with her grandson when he was walking in the yard with the girls. True, there were many tips when they came to visit.
I may now say an opinion that many will not like, but I think that the child’s parents should deal with the child, and if grandmothers and grandfathers come, then just sit and play with him.
Now I personally faced this problem, grandparents were actively engaged in the upbringing of my eldest daughter, they took them for the whole weekend, then they started to take them away for all the holidays. All this resulted in what they began to dictate how we live in the family and what we should do with children. They began to arrange constant scandals and fights, because we do not do as they command us. For the weekend, when I had a vacation, I left my daughter at home to spend the day off with her, which they took offense at and sent out statements that the children were beaten and sexually abused at home. Now we have hell and current because in due time I always My advice is now to everyone, don’t let grandparents consider their grandson to be current for their children, and show them that you are the parents and you are responsible for the current, do not let current be manipulated because you are grandparents, otherwise your life will turn into a nightmare like ours.