Parental prohibitions - benefits and harms: a consultation with a psychologist Irina Mlodik

Says a child psychologist Irina Mlodik.

Irina Mlodik

Chairman of the Interregional Association of Practical Psychologists “Just Together”, candidate of psychological sciences, certified gestalt therapist, existential psychotherapist, experienced child psychologist, author of a book on child psychotherapy.

The ban, in fact, is a certain border that we put to the child in order to really protect him, mainly. In order for the child to understand that it is possible, that it is impossible, where it is worth stopping.

Oddly enough, the prohibitions, despite the fact that they are perceived by children without enthusiasm, very often children react to them with resentment, irritation, anger, resentment, it is important for the child, because it allows, like any border, to calm down, to understand that there is someone something big and adult who is watching me, what I can, what I can't, where I should stay. Therefore, in our culture there is now such a problem that parents who have grown up in a large number of prohibitions think that everything should be allowed to the child, never should he be forbidden. This gives rise to anxiety, anxiety, sometimes “field” (1:13) behavior in children, when a child is worried, runs, as if he does not know where to put himself. This leads to provocations, because then the child provokes the parent so that the parent puts this prohibition or border in order to understand: “Everything is in order”, there is someone big and adult who is watching over me, who decides what can that is impossible. Therefore, in my opinion, there should be few prohibitions, they should be clear, concise and consistent with the traditions and foundations of the family.

Very often parents make bans automatically. If you try to talk about the root causes for which a parent puts a ban on his child, then in my opinion, they are divided into two broad categories: conscious and unconscious prohibitions.

Conscious:

• Most often, the parent forbids something to the child when he wants to protect him from something. It seems to him that if he puts a ban / border now, he will protect him: from a sore throat, if he does not give ice cream or protects his life, forbidding him to cross the road to a red light. These are very logical and understandable prohibitions, and very logical and understandable reasons;
• The second category is when the parent believes that when raising a child, we should put bans on him, otherwise, what kind of upbringing? Otherwise, this permissiveness, ugliness and the child will grow up without the feeling that it is possible, that it is impossible;
• Another reason is habit. When parents were children, their parents forbade them to do anything, so now they forbid their children to do the same, sometimes without even realizing it.

It is much more difficult with unconscious prohibitions, or rather, unconscious reasons why parents put these prohibitions on children.

• First of all, in my opinion, for unconscious reasons is the fact that the parent hides some of his feelings behind this.For example, he is annoyed at the child, offended at the child, and in order to express this anger, the parent sometimes prohibits him;
• Another category when a parent is jealous of a child. The girl says: “Mom, I want another dress”, and my mother had few dresses when she was a little girl, and she says: “No, you won’t get it.” This is envy. It’s a perfectly normal and understandable feeling, but it’s important to realize that it is not related to the real protection of the child;
• Parental anxiety is another reason for unconscious prohibitions. A parent can be so unsure, anxious, he is so scared of life that he is ready to forbid everything to the child “just in case” if nothing happens to him. It is important for the parent to understand that “this is my anxiety, I am so afraid of life, and the child has nothing to do with it”;
• The desire of the parent to leave the child dependent. We are not always ready, it grows, leaves us, spends more time without us. And then we forbid him something, then simply wanting to leave him beside us, to leave him dependent on us.

Unfortunately, the big mistake of parents is that they forbid something to do it in a very condemning tone: “How do you not understand?”, “Do you not understand?”, “How could you?”, Thereby blaming the child and shaming him, which, of course, is not useful. When a ban is put in place, the task is not to show that it is bad and terribly guilty. A ban is a stop. Therefore, whenever possible, when setting prohibitions and designations of boundaries, the child’s condemnation and, especially, the coercion (5:17) of the child should not sound. The better you succeed, the easier it will be for the child to accept this prohibition.

Children have three main reactions to our inhibitions:

1. Very natural ones are indignation, irritation, frustration, crying, tears, screaming. This is a normal response to the ban. Why? Because the child wanted something, you say no to him, he is frustrated (his need is frustrated) and he is upset. Our task, as a parent, is to withstand these feelings and emotions;
2. Acceptance is the second reaction to the prohibition and border. They accept it, calm down and go about their business. Sometimes they even somehow relax because at that moment they realized that someone was watching his well-being, someone was taking care of it;
3. The third reaction to the ban, the one that should alert us, is manipulation. When a child tries in some way to circumvent our ban, to push it through, they try to decide between parents, when mother forbade it and he goes to dad or grandmother, they try to achieve their own. On the one hand, the child’s attempt to achieve his goal is understandable, it is useful for him, because it is an important skill. But, it is advisable that the child does this directly, i.e. go try to prove to my mother: “Mom, it’s very important for me to go for a walk with my girlfriend. What do I need to do for this, so that you allow me? ” When there is a manipulative (7:04) attempt to achieve our goal (through some whimpering, through some other actions), then this, of course, is an unpleasant sign for us, and here it is important for us to educate the child and try to negotiate with him.

Children are manipulated when adults either manipulate themselves and the child sees this model, or adults are very harsh and rigid, and too many needs of the child are too frustrated, i.e. forbidden, then the child has no other choice but to manipulate. Therefore, if your child is manipulating, then you should look at yourself carefully: maybe you do it, maybe you say “no” to him too often.

How to set bans:

1. It is important to tell the child: “I forbid you to do this” and explain the reasons if possible. There is a nuance when we forbid something to the child regularly, then we don’t have to explain the reasons all the time, because the child already knows them well and the next time we just say “no”. The more clearly and simply the prohibition is formulated, the easier it is perceived by the child. The explanation should be short and clear. It’s not worth reading the notations because the child ceases to hear you and turns on the transit: “God, when will it all end”;
2. We make a ban without comment on the account of his personality, without humiliation, as we have said, without shame;
3. It is very important to be able to withstand the reaction of the child. Those. when a child is upset, crying, banging with his feet - our task is to withstand it. In order to withstand, it is important to understand that, firstly, this is a child’s natural reaction, and secondly, to share it: “Yes, I understand you are upset / you are offended.” It’s easier for a child to accept your ban because he sees that his feelings are accepted, but the ban remains a ban.

As I usually say to parents: do not put the border that you are not ready to withstand. If you decide to forbid something to the child, then think before that. At the moment when you say it and after, preferably, do not change your mind. You can only change your decision if the child has entered into negotiations with you and they have ended successfully. It’s not worth changing your decision when a child has sold you or has agreed with someone else.

In our life with a child there should be not only prohibitions, but also a lot of love. If there is love, then it is easier to perceive any prohibitions and boundaries.

We also read:

• What can and cannot be forbidden to a child
• Unnecessary bans: how parents spoil the lives of their children
• Why do children not obey and what should parents do?
• How to tell a child "DO NOT"
• 5 alternatives to say NO to your child