Good child psychologists and qualified teachers insist on the ability to tell their child a solid “No”, because our world is not so safe as to allow the child to do everything in him that he wants or indulge all children's whims. But many parents often do not know how to tell their baby: “No,” and do not imagine how to refuse their requests. How to introduce the rules of prohibitions and not create a feeling in the baby that he is infringed and disliked in some way? And most importantly - how to teach a child to respond correctly to the word "NO"? We would like to talk about this in our article.
The most important thing that parents should realize - to refuse a child does not mean to offend him or humiliate him, as many mistakenly believe. Faced with a solid "No" children will have more than once in adulthood, and it is better for loving and beloved parents to teach this, rather than indifferent uncles and aunts. A child who understands and knows how to accept rejection will be more comfortable and easier to rotate in society than a spoiled peer. Yes, and it will be much easier for the parents themselves to contact the baby adequately responding to the refusal.
Why is it difficult to refuse your child?
- The desire to please absolutely everything
Most often, this reason is based on a completely justified desire to give a son or daughter something that the parents themselves were deprived of in their childhood or that parents feel pity for the child and try to please him. For some mothers and fathers, the desire for a child to be no worse than others, and sometimes better than anyone else, becomes an obsession.
It is important to understand that the more you give a person, even a small one, the more he begins to need. The child gets used to the fact that all his wishes are fulfilled, and with each fulfilled his desire becomes more insistent and capricious. And it becomes harder and harder for parents to struggle with his perseverance. In fact, the child needs a minimum of material values: comfort, food, toys. Much more he needs spiritual: intellectual and physical stress, safety, development of social skills, confidential interaction and cooperation with adults. That is why there is only one way out - to carefully weigh the need for this or that desire of the baby and refuse unreasonable.
- A sense of shame in front of others, dependence on other people's opinions
An example is the situation when a boy rolls hysterically on the floor of a store in response to his disagreement to purchase a new toy. People turn around, begin to whisper, give advice.Some may even begin to “threaten” your child by saying that they will take a naughty child for themselves. Such attention will definitely be unpleasant for parents, they will be embarrassed, and many choose the simplest way to solve the problem - so as not to blush for their own bleeding, go on about it. But do not lose sight of the fact that children quickly grasp what situations it is easier for them to obtain consent from their parents, for example, with a large crowd of people. Then the children begin to “work for the public” and the parents have to “blush for them” even more. Finding a weak spot, they will put pressure on him with enviable regularity and thereby perfectly manipulate adults. The solution is to decide what is more important for you, the opinions of others or the happy future of your child.
We also read: hysteria in the store - how to react to parents
- One-Time Request Syndrome
Sometimes parents do not even think about whether there is a need to fulfill one or another request of the baby. Especially if he says the magic phrase "Only once." Think about it, absolutely identical desires do not exist. Over the next many times, you will have to agree to similar requests and they will be motivated by the same “once”. This will become the norm for the child. If you later refuse it, you will receive a well-deserved aggressive reaction and bad behavior. Do not mindlessly accept any request, weigh in your mind all the pros and cons and make an informed decision.
- Distorted feeling of love for a child
It’s pity, it’s indulging. This reason is closely related to the first: the desire for all the best for the child. To refuse in the opinion of mothers and fathers is to deprive, not to understand, to offend the feelings of a little man. Make a clear gradation between imaginary love and sincere. A man who grew up in love and a man who grew up in an atmosphere of constant indulgence are radically different personalities. Do you want to grow out of the whim of an aggressive relationship, unsatisfied with the life of an egoist and a loser?
Children who grew up in an atmosphere of parental love and children who grew up in an atmosphere of parental indulgence are different people, primarily in relation to other people.
What will the atmosphere of indulging a child in the family?
When parents do not refuse anything to the child, they teach him not to reckon with someone else’s opinion other than their own. The young man is quickly forming a habit of getting everything he wants. Over time, it becomes fixed and becomes second nature. In adulthood, this will lead to a lot of problems and obstacles in interacting with people.
Imagine if an employee of the passport office unreasonably refuses to accept your documents for the issuance of a new passport instead of an expired one? You will be indignant to the core and rush to prove your rights and his duties to the civil servant who refused you. And all because you have formed a clear view that everyone should have a passport and after a few years they are required to replace this document. The grown-up child will do the same, but solely through your fault. He will be beside himself with rage and indignation every time he encounters a denial. After all, he used to always meet consent and help in fulfilling any whims.
It is almost impossible to rid an adult of the habits vaccinated from young nails. Imagine how painfully he will live every day, filled with everyday failures for the rest. For him, they will become huge disappointments. Each contact with people will be not just a meeting, but a difficult test. And he himself will be a burden for those around him and just an unpleasant person, whom he wants to get rid of as soon as possible. Most children change over time, faced with the realities of harsh life, but this process is long and unpleasant. For example, only by the second or third marriage can a person understand that you can’t demand everything from your spouse at all times, but you yourself need to give something and compromise.Do you wish your child such a fate?
Show your foresight and teach your child, while it is still possible, the art of rejection. Remember that in adulthood there may not be people who are ready to sacrifice themselves for the sake of your child.
How to learn to refuse correctly?
If you find the reasons why you indulge the child, and decide to fight them, then you need to start with constant self-control. Gently but surely suppress the slightest unreasonable demands, no matter how you would like to do otherwise. You should be supported by an awareness of the dangers posed by improper parental behavior and an understanding of how painful and difficult the child will be in the future.
So what is he, the correct refusal? The following situation can be cited as an example. Mother and son go to the supermarket for shopping. Even at the entrance, the mother consults with the child, which trolley is better to choose: larger or smaller? Perhaps the one on wheels to make it easier to transport heavy products? The son advises on wheels, mom approves his decision and agrees. In the process of shopping, a woman interacts with the child, conducts a dialogue with him, comments on the purchased goods, talking about how they are useful and how useful. The boy feels on a par with an adult, trusts him. Then they pass a refrigerator with ice cream, and a little boy rushes to him with the goal of putting a couple in a cart. Mom refuses - “Now we will not buy ice cream because only a couple of days ago you had a sore throat. As soon as you recover completely, we will definitely buy the most delicious and beautiful ice cream, but if you buy it now, you can catch a cold again. Let's better buy fruit instead. Will you help me choose the most delicious? ”
This is the correct refusal. The child takes part in the choice of trolley, independently chooses fruit. His opinion is taken into account and embodied, and the refusal is justified: not just a categorical “No” without explanation, but a detailed explanation.
When the parenting process is started, and the child responds to failure throws a tantrum, you need to learn to be firm and at the same time distract the baby, talk with him, explain the situation in more detail, offer a compromise solution.
If you are afraid of the opinions of others who see a child beating in hysteria, then analyze the situation and decide what is more important for you - the opinions of others or the fulfillment of parental duty.
We also read: 6 tips for avoiding childhood tantrums at the grocery store
How to tell a child NO. A few simple tips that work!
How to refuse a child to buy another toy?
From a very tender age, you should accustom your baby to the fact that not every toy that he likes will be instantly bought. The sooner you teach this, the less problems you will encounter at an older age.
[sc name = ”rsa”]
Toys need to be purchased as necessary, thoughtfully, and not just because the child wants. He will want everything and always. The best option is to buy toys on holidays / on the occasion of some events to emphasize the importance of the date, or for practical use. For example, in the winter - skis, skates and board games, in the summer - an inflatable ring for the pool, badminton or rollers.
For some children, the process of buying and owning a thing is pleasing. And then the toy quickly becomes uninteresting and gathers dust on the shelf. This is due to the fact that many children, without realizing it, assert themselves in the process of obtaining the desired toy. They emphasize their "I" and improve parental manipulation skills.
Even if the moment is missed, and everything described above is already happening in your family, move in small steps to change. Gradually accustom the offspring to the understanding that not every machine or doll he likes will be bought. Over time, the child will accept this and stop responding painfully and violently to your refusal.Another unpleasant nuance of the situation - if there are no restrictions on the purchase of toys, then the baby will be sure that parents always have money for his whims. This will lead to a distorted formation of the concepts of material values.
We also read: How to refuse a child a purchase - 9 tips
Sometimes you want to delight your own little man for no reason, but it’s important to control yourself. Do not miss in your desire the important points that negatively come back in the future. If you understand that they are not asking for you, but demanding it, sound the alarm. No need to be afraid to refuse. The first time can be difficult, the second time it will become easier, then the formation of a new good habit will begin. And the best thing is not to bring to such difficult situations and learn to say “No” to a child from a very young age.
We also read:
- 5 rules that help you learn to say no to your children
- 5 alternatives to say NO to your child
- How to learn to ban a child without banning?
How to say “NO” to a child
How to refuse a child. Secrets from a child psychologist. How it relates to hysteria. The effect of crying on the psyche of the child and the early development of the baby:
How do you say no to a naughty child? - Dr. Komarovsky
With the help of the “whip”, I never managed to come to an agreement with my son. Only conversations with him, as with an adult, give a positive result. This is not easy, but you have to talk in detail about the reasons for the refusal.
We spoiled our daughter very much. At first, it was imperceptible, but the older she gets, the more impudent and for every “NO” throws a tantrum. I understand that they themselves are to blame, but sometimes I break down and raise my voice at her.
hello my daughter throws tantrums in the morning either a lot of toothpaste or very minty tights or in the middle of the road to the kindergarten she gets up and says carry me, I can’t go anymore, it falls on the asphalt and doesn’t need to work, please give some advice