I think that all parents dream that the children fulfill our requests, that they listen to our opinion and know that if we talk about something, this is really useful and necessary information.
But very often we are faced with the fact that when we say something to a child, if he hears us, he rarely reacts. And if it does, then for the tenth, hundredth time.
What to do? How to build such relationships so that children respect us and consider us authority, listening to our opinion? We read an obedient child article in 10 steps.
1. Respect your child
No phrases like “You are so-and-so!”, “Only such as you!”, “How can you ?!”, “Look at others!” and other things that can hurt your child’s identity.
The human brain is designed in such a way that if someone offends us, respect for that person automatically disappears, and it’s almost impossible to hear and perceive the information that the person who insulted us says.
In fact, this is a protective function of the brain. If someone tells us something bad about us, we stop considering this person to be an authority. And accordingly, all the value of his words disappears for us.
2. Be a source of interesting information
70% of interesting, informative, new and only 30% of adjustments and some kind of moralizing.
It is very important if you want you to become an authority for your child, and he really voluntarily listens to your opinion, you must keep up with the times. Your child should understand that he can turn to you in any situation, that you can always tell, and that you possess the information necessary for him.
If you see that his focus of attention is declining, know that you have gone too far in moralizing and in some information that is not very personal to him. Go back to interesting information, go back to what will help you build your relationship with your child and, accordingly, in a natural way to achieve obedience and respect for you.
3. Set an example, do not be unfounded
It is very important that your words do not diverge from your actions.
I think that if you see any person who declares to the public some very important truths, but then you find out that he lives in a completely different way, your respect and trust in him will drop dramatically.
The same thing happens with our children.If a mother for a very long time, with instructions tells how badly it is bad to speak bad words, and then the child sees that the mother in conversation with someone or on the street while driving, when she was cut, uses these words, then he understands that not everything what mom or dad says, it’s important that not everything should be followed because mom, telling me one thing, behaves differently.
The classic situation is when parents smoke, and the child is told that smoking is not allowed. I'm not talking about the need to come and smoke a cigarette with him.
But if your child has grown to the age when he asks you: “Mom, is smoking bad?” you will tell him: “Bad!”, if he asks: “Mom, do you smoke?”, then it will be a much better effect to say: “You know, really, this is a huge problem for me. I smoke - this is very bad. “I have such and such consequences, and I really hope that you will never do this!”
We also read: What to do if a child smokes? Parent Tips
4. Do not ask rhetorical questions
A very common situation, which, unfortunately, I also encountered when giving birth to my first child.
When we go into the room, and then the toys are scattered again, or when we go to school, and there again the teacher says that he did not prepare for the lesson or did something wrong, or did not do his homework as it was necessary to do, and not because there was no time. But because he simply did not consider it necessary.
And the parent in such a situation begins to say: “How many times can I repeat to you!”, “When will it finally end?”, “I have already told you 180 times!”, “All children are like children, and you!”, “ Why are you acting like that? ”,“ Will it ever end or not end ?! ”.
What should a small child answer when they come to him with such an offer? “Mom, you told me this 25 times already! For the 26th time, I realized that I won’t do this again and will not happen again! ”
But this is not real, right?
Often, if mom comes into the room, and it is not cleaned, and she begins to say: “Again the toys are scattered, again things are lying in the closet!”, She says all this at the same time, she collects it all herself. Because the child, focusing on these rhetorical questions that do not require an answer from him because he does not understand what to say, he skips all further information.
Not only that, he understands that mom can talk just for the sake of what to say. And again, our words become for him just a backdrop. He only hears these first phrases, and further concentration of attention absolutely falls.
It is much better if you want to achieve a result, to say clear and understandable sentences: “I want you to clean the room. I will be pleased, please do so-and-so! ”
Do not be afraid that this will sound like authoritarian phrases. These are clear and understandable attitudes that we want to achieve from our children. Speaking politely, it’s much clearer and more realistic for children to figure out what their parents want them to do.
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I want to discover another secret that the same formula will help women to communicate better with their men because very often, if we also begin to address such rhetorical questions with our men - how many times should I tell you? - they just like children do not hear us.
5. Do not expect the impossible
Do not demand that your child, after your first request, fulfill all orders and tasks with lightning speed, and just listen to you after the first word.
We are not soldiers, and our children are not soldiers either.
Moreover, I want to say that the brain of a small person under 14 years old is for sure! - it is arranged in such a way that if he is busy with something - he is reading, he is watching some program, he is drawing something, or he is just sitting and thinking about something - then his concentration on everything else is very low.
Indeed, a child who is really engaged in something may not hear us. While in our country this causes a very violent reaction, some offense, and in the end we repeat it once, the second time.
When we lose our temper and scream, this irritating factor is very strong, the child starts, reacts, starts to do something, and in the end it seems to us - the standard phrase for many mothers is “You only need to shout at you so that you did it!"
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It is much better if you see that your child is busy with something, come up and touch him. Such a tactile touch, tactile appeal to the child immediately draws attention to you.
You come up, stroked his shoulder or head, got it and said: “Please do this or that!” - the reaction to such treatment will be much faster, much more willing, and the child will really understand what you want from him.
6. Do not manipulate feelings
When a mother, trying to make a child act in one way or another, wants to arouse pity in him, or, as is customary for us to say, awaken his conscience by telling him that “... dad at two jobs, I spin like a squirrel in a wheel, still a little brother, don’t you see how hard it is for us? You can’t do your job elementarily - do your homework? ”
Unfortunately, very often guilty feelings that parents try, perhaps not even consciously, to cause the child to add to this, all add to this, saying, “... we are doing this for you, dad is working so that you can go to a good institute entered!"
What's happening? A small person cannot cope with guilt. He still does not understand this whole importance that dad goes to work so that he has something in the future there. He lives here and now, he is not able to endure and somehow regret or somehow, perhaps, accept all the pain that the parent is experiencing, the whole severity of his life or any questions.
And the child unconsciously begins to move away. His psyche begins to defend itself from what can destroy it. And how is the psyche protected? Ignore, unwillingness to communicate, lack of any contact. When we ask, “How are you?” - "Fine!"
Therefore, if you want to get some things from your children, tell them honestly and without unnecessary emotions that “I need your help now.” “I would be very pleased if you could help me.” “I won’t cope without you now!” “If you can, I will be very grateful to you!”
Such things are much more effective than if we try to put pressure on pity and cause some kind of guilt from our children.
7. Do not use threats
Sometimes, if our children don’t do something right away and time is running out, or we repeated it for the tenth or twentieth time, many parents resort to starting to threaten: “If you don’t do it now!” or “If you don't shut up at the store right now, I don’t know what I’ll do for you!” “I tell you this ... We’ll come home, you’ll get from me!”
What is it? It turns out that children who naturally should see custody, care and protection in their parents begin to see a threat in us, and act out of fear.
I do not think that one of the parents wants him to have a relationship with children based on fear. Because if the obedience of our children is based on fear, it always leads to only 2 things:
- This is something that sooner or later there will be a revolt, and at 14 we will receive in full program absolute neglect, snapping, rudeness from the side of children. It will seem to us - where do they come from? But this is all the spring that we squeezed with such threats, disrespect, some kind of aggressive behavior towards children.
- Or the second point - if we pressed hard, and our child was not so strong emotionally at this age, then we just broke it.
In this case, he will already respond not only to our threats and succumb to them, but also to the threats of any people on the street. He will not be able to stand up for himself because he simply has this function of upholding his opinions and his desires will be broken.
If you need to achieve something, it is better to offer cooperation, some other alternative to threats.
Let’s say, “You’ll do it now, mom will be able to buy butter in the store, and we will make cookies with you!” or “If you help me now, then I’ll be happy to collect toys with you and we can play something together!”
Better even if we offer some kind of barter. Many people don’t like this scheme for some reason, but it’s not really scary here that we offer our children a trip to the cinema or some gifts in return. It is important that in the end, if we achieve what we want, the parent does not focus on the gift, but on what the child has done.
He did some action, tell him: “I am so pleased!” “That was great!” “You did it anyway.” “You did so well — much better than I could have expected!”
If we act in this way, then over time the child will understand that pleasing him also gives him pleasure, and no additional mechanisms will be needed.
8. Be thankful
Very often, we take the good deeds of our children for granted, especially if they have already grown from very early childhood.
In fact, it turns out that if he does something - a good assessment, or he did something, or he folded up his toys and made the bed up - there is no reaction. The child sees the reaction from the parents only when he did something wrong.
What is it? The natural need of children is to please us. Why? Because through the reaction of the parents to themselves, the child forms his attitude towards himself. Through this reaction, he is differentiated as a person. If he hears only negative from us, this is a feeling of himself, as a person - self-confidence, a desire to be good, an understanding that you are important for someone that loves you, it is not filled.
In the future, the child can fill this function already in other places: on the street, in some company, where it will be easy for someone to say: “You are so well done!” And then for this “Well done”, he will be ready to do anything.
Therefore, thank your children, say thanks to them, and do not be afraid that this will happen often.
I'm not talking about what you need to put on a chair and clap your hands for each spoonful of porridge eaten. But I’m saying that it’s worth noting the little things that our children do on a daily basis because in fact, what seems ordinary to us is often difficult for another person.
9. Remember what you want to achieve.
Always remember what you want to achieve by saying this or that phrase to your child. Ask yourself - what kind of reaction do I expect? Why am I going to say this now?
If you ask yourself about this, in many cases you will realize that you are going to say this phrase solely in order to throw out your negativity, your irritation, your tiredness.
As we have already said before, doing this on a person who is younger than you, whose psyche is still much more touching and much weaker than yours, is simply unacceptable.
Therefore, if you can always ask yourself such a question, I am sure you will avoid so many conflict situations and will not say so many words that you would not want to say.
This formula sometimes seems like some kind of pipe dream. This is a skill - the ability to ask yourself such a question is a real skill. When you learn to do this, it will help you not only in communicating with your children. This will help you in communication at work, in communication with your husband.
Before each phrase, you can take a sigh inside yourself and ask: “This reaction is now - what will it lead to? What do I want to achieve? ”
Often this question, like a cold shower, removes our irritation and we understand that at this stage we do not want to behave in the best way, which allows us to choose the right strategy for behavior and communication with our children.
10. Do not expect ideal behavior from children
You should not expect ideal behavior from our children? because we will never get it.
Our expectations will always lead to irritation, resentment and displeasure. Children in life, just like adults, will have their own stages, their crisis periods: 3, 7-8, 14 years old, no matter how we behave, they will at some time say “No” all the time, they will snap back.
All we need to do at this moment is to love them because when a person is good, it is very easy to love. Especially we need love just when we do not the best deeds.
I am sure that in the life of every adult, if we are mistaken, there will be at least one person who will always believe in us and say that “Yes, you are wrong. But I know that you are different. You are really good, and we will cope with all the difficulties! ”
Therefore, I wish you to become just such people for your children, and then they will always respect you, not just listen, but hear and gladly fulfill your requests and wishes.
We also read:
- 5 problems obedient children
- Comfortable baby. Is obedience always good?
- Obedient child: is it always good
- What if the child does not obey you?
- How to re-educate a spoiled child (how to understand that a child is spoiled: signs and causes)
- Childish whim or selfishness: how is one different from the other?
Video version: obedient child in 10 steps
If you want your child to not only listen to you, but also hear you, watch this video:
You can talk about education as much as you like, but heredity plays an important role. My children are completely different, although I raised them the same way, my daughter is obedient, calm, there are no problems with her at all, while my son is completely hooligan, he’s hyperactive to me, you say to him “it’s impossible!”, But he does the opposite, in spite, all in the father.
I always wonder why parents who themselves do not set a positive adult example for their child expect respect from the child. It is worth starting with work on yourself before you start raising a baby.
Thank you very much for the article. Yes, indeed, it is not always so simple to restrain oneself and be an example to follow. How many times she said to herself. That one must be more restrained, and not always succeed. Work on yourself is very difficult.