Almost every parent sooner or later inevitably encounters a situation where the child is not saying anything or “cheating”. It is important to analyze the main points that can lead to his deception. Children's lies are rarely tricky: you should not compare them with professional hypocrisy of adults. The child usually does not want to harm someone or offend, he can hardly consciously pursue selfish goals. Most often, his behavior indicates a desire to avoid punishment or increase his authority in the eyes of others (peers or elders). Children's lies can only be entertainment and fun, but more often they point to deep problems that cannot be ignored. Every problem that children's lies hides requires a special approach from parents.
Psychologist Laurence Kartner, the author of five books on child psychology, has identified five main reasons forcing children to resort to lies. We describe each of them.
1. Fear of punishment
Children are afraid of punishment. The problem is especially acute if parents, for their part, want too much. For example, raising independence in a five-year-old child, demand that he do the cleaning in his room, and clean him after the meal. When asked if he did this, the child answers “yes,” even if he actually forgot about it ... That is when he forgets about his duties or neglects them, he can try to cheat. As a result, the mother complains that the child is lying, but this hides a completely different problem - high expectations in relation to the child. Parents do not always adequately assess the capabilities of children, and they have to adapt to the situation; sometimes the only way to do this is to lie.
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2. Self-esteem
Every child would like to stand out from the crowd. “Bragging” stories and fictional stories - all this is quite natural if it does not reach a certain critical point. A child who often exaggerates his social status may thus try to “escape from reality”, which causes him discontent. They are trying to look better in the eyes of their comrades. For example, they say that they met a rock star, a famous athlete or actor, or exaggerate the income of their parents. If this rarely happens, you don’t have to worry about the child lying: boasting and “playing supermen” for children are commonplace.
But if a child again and again exaggerates his social status, this means that he is seriously dissatisfied with himself. In such a situation, you can find out why he feels useless or humiliated.Maybe they do not pay attention to him? Maybe they laugh at him and humiliate him? The specialist will probably note problems with self-esteem here, and the parent should find out if everything is in order in the kindergarten or school. It is possible that he did not find friends among his peers or is regularly subjected to their attacks. Children's lies are entertainment and fun, but can also talk about the need for psychological assistance.
We also read:
- We increase the child’s self-esteem
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3. Expression of discontent. Protest
At the age of 10-12 years - and sometimes much earlier - the child tries to shake parental authority. At this age, for many children, a lie is a way to go against restrictions, to challenge the authority of parents. They feel that there is no need to talk about everything to their parents. In such situations, children can hostilely perceive even harmless questions, in every possible way avoiding answers or telling a frank and obvious lie. Particularly acute problem arises among mothers and fathers who seek to strictly control every step of their child. Therefore, children can lie in response to a question that they perceive as a manifestation of parental authority and pressure.
4. Establishment of personal boundaries
The desire for self-sufficiency is adjacent to the paragraph described above. Parents should not forget that a child is even a small one, but a person who needs a personal one that will not be directly controlled by parents: communication with friends, interests.
Excessive custody may lead first to discontent and rudeness, and subsequently to outright deceit. You should not require a child to give a strict report on each step: try to find out about his life in the format of a friendly conversation - this will make it possible to slightly alleviate the situation.
As they grow older, the child begins to acutely feel the importance of independence, personal life and personal space. And the more parents try to patronize and control him, the more the child is lying or not talking. Often, children are also rude, emphasizing the desire to be alone with themselves.
“Where are you going?” - “Nowhere.” “What are you doing?” - “Nothing.” “Who is this?” - “You do not know him.”
5. Family problems
Do not rush to put the blame on your shoulders: more often than not, the lies on the part of the child indicate the proportion of the guilt of the parents. This can be either a mistake in education, or causing the child mental pain. A common situation: family members constantly swear among themselves, which cannot but affect the baby who is extremely sensitive to every little thing.
When a child lies too much, this is a sign that something is wrong in the family. This is especially true in cases where theft and vandalism are added to lies. If other family members become victims of childhood mischief, this deserves special attention - it is often a gesture of despair, a cry for help, much more expressive than words.
Often this happens to children whose parents are considering a divorce. Arranging theft or ruining a parental thing - often this kind of behavior hides an attempt to force parents to unite again, at least for a while. This motivation is not recognized by the child, but his actions clearly speak about his needs.
We also read:
- Children's lies: why the child is lying and how to teach him to tell the truth
- How to raise an honest child
- When a child’s fantasies become dangerous
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Children's lies: good or bad?
Practicing child psychologist A.V. Sorin tells about what a children's lie can mean and how it differs from fantasizing:
It seems to me that the main thing is always for the parents themselves to be sincere with the child, otherwise they will still feel the untruth and repeat this with their own actions. But you should not scold if you lied, but just talk heart to heart.
We have two young children, 4 years old and over a year (just started walking). As a result, sometimes there are situations when the elder puts the blame on the brother, i.e. cheating on us. We try to talk with him more and explain that they love him as well as the second. So, in our case lies because of jealousy. Hope that passes with age.