Surely, many mothers will condemn me, like all psychologists in the world, for my opinion, but still I will try to present my story in detail. Maybe for someone it will become support, but for someone it’s a good example of how to act, and how to act is undesirable.
So, I’ll start from afar so that the reader understands what kind of mentality our family adheres to (this is also for those who like to condemn without understanding the issue properly). My husband and I tried for a long time to have a baby. And by the age of 35, I finally became pregnant. It was a real miracle for us, indescribable happiness. We carefully prepared for the most important event in our life - the appearance of the baby. And so, on June 30 I gave birth to a charming boy. They called him Stepan, in honor of the father, who instilled in us faith in God and hope for the conception of a child.
Styopochka grew by leaps and bounds, developed rapidly. At 3 years old, he already knew how to count to 10, and by 5 years old he learned Russian and English alphabets. By the way, I did not force him, he himself gravitated to knowledge. He was fond of the study of dinosaurs, insects. Our home library weekly updated with another book about his favorite animals. I did not cease to rejoice at Stepashkin's achievements, his curiosity and intellect developed beyond his years.
The kid was also very well versed in people. He is easy manipulated grandparents. Dad was also one of his "victims for promotion." Styopa easily persuaded them to give money for a toy, buy ice cream, take them to trampolines to a children's park. In general, I twisted my relatives as I wanted.
Already then (Stepashka was 5 years old) I asked don't accustom your child to money and gifts, because he arranged tantrums in stores only to me, and it looked like I was an angry mother who had never bought sweets and toys in his life.
Once, while being in one of the supermarkets, Stepasha liked the dinosaur on the control panel, which adored cute on a separate shelf. He was worth, no less, 4,500 rubles. It is clear that I was not going to shell out. And then the worst thing began. To my persuasion and explanation, he did not care. He did not listen to me, he pulled himself out. Further worse. Styopa began to throw off all the goods from the shelves in the store and shout: "You do not love me, but dad, grandparents yes!". At that moment I blushed wildly, people began to look around and grumble obviously unpleasant things.
In general, I ran after him around the store, forcibly dragged into the car and drove away. Probably, it became clear to everyone that I never bought the products, and the way to this supermarket was already ordered to me. Even at gunpoint, I would never have returned there, for I was so ashamed that I could not convey in words.
We also read: How to refuse a child a purchase - 9 tips
At home, I talked with my son, explained for a long time that money is earned by labor, and my mother does not print it.I also mentioned that you can’t behave in this way and say that parents do not like either. Styopa obediently nodded his head. In general, this case was soon forgotten. I thought this would not happen again. But in vain.
The next “seizure” happened in a developmental school. Immediately in the first lesson, he got up and told the teacher that it was not interesting to me and, in general, they didn’t give me money or gifts here, so I was leaving.
At that time I was walking on the promenade next to the school. The teacher’s call excited me, because even half of the lesson had not yet passed. She said that I would return faster, since my son got up and went out the door.
I rushed to school. Stepasha had already gone outside and, as if nothing had happened, sniffed the flowers and examined the bugs. When asked what happened, he snorted: "I won’t return there again." I took his hand and led him back. And again the story repeated. In the lobby, he first started throwing goblets off the shelves, then fell to the floor and said that I was angry and he did not love me. To say that the watchwoman and all the parents sitting there were surprised - to say nothing.
I decided to take him home and have a conversation there - in a quiet environment so that no one could hear us. And again, Stepasha - God's dandelion, obediently listening to Mom’s explanations and nodding positively in response. In a word, we agreed that he would never behave like that again.
A day later, I again led him to the "development". Without even reaching the door, he began to hysteria and scream that there is urine. In passing, I noticed that while he was glancing at people, as if watching their reaction.
I felt terribly uncomfortable and ashamed of my child. I began to reassure Styopa. But in response I heard only screams and reproaches that I did not like him, because I had brought her here again.
And then I could not stand it and strongly yanked his hand. He finally calmed down and looked at me in dismay. Then I took him around the corner. There, forgive me all the psychologists and mothers of the world, I slapped a couple of times on the pope. Stepesha shrieked at first, clearly not expecting such a turn, and then fell silent and went into class.
We also read: How to deal with childhood hysteria: advice from a psychologist
Classes went well. On the way home Styopa was silent all the time. I took the initiative in my hands and spoke to him. Stepasha asked: "Mom, will you always beat me now?" I explained that if he understands me the first time and does not do me wrong, I will not.
But this is not the end of my story. When we got home, Styopa rushed to his dad and started screaming that my mother had hurt me - intentionally. He began to describe the whole process in great detail, naturally, embellishing a lot. And then with eyes, like a cat from the Shrek cartoon, he said: “Dad, will you buy me a dinosaur?”
During the story, my husband’s face changed every second and became stricter. My eyes were constantly fixed on me, and anger and disappointment were read in the eyes of my beloved spouse. A few minutes later he got up, without saying a word, dressed and left. He arrived, as many probably guessed, with the same dinosaur, because of which a hysteria was arranged in the supermarket. I felt insulted to tears, but I didn’t show it, after all, some kind of guilt was present in my soul, and I thought, maybe he’s doing the right thing.
After Stepesha fell asleep, my husband calmly, but so majestically, asked me not to repeat this again. I agreed with him, although I understood that, in fact, nothing terrible had happened. But she didn’t explain anything, because I didn’t want to scroll all over again.
The next day I took my son to kindergarten. Stepasha saw his friend’s car and began to take it away. The boy fought for the toy to the last and, in the end, won. I scolded my son for bad behavior. And then it started again - screams, insults, skating on the floor, reproaches of dislike for him. I took him around the corner and hit him several times, without even paying attention to the fact that mummies were passing by. Naturally, the look was judgmental, but then I did not care.
I took him to the teacher and went home.In the evening, taking Styopa from kindergarten, the teacher took me aside and told a heart-breaking story about how I had been hitting my son all day long. I immediately realized that I had told her about my “poor existence” Stepan, and the same mothers who added fuel to the fire were those who saw me around the corner, according to them, “beating” the child.
The teacher secretly from me hastened to call her husband. I understood this when I arrived home: my beloved spouse sat with such a face, as if he had been offended by the whole world. A conversation followed, during which I told my truth. The husband, of course, did not believe me and constantly repeated the same phrase: "You can solve everything with words - we agreed."
Then the dialogue was stopped by the phrase: “Now you will lead him into the kindergarten and school yourself.” Then I added: “And do not forget, along with your mother, to buy him a gift for such behavior.”
So they did. Before work, my husband jumped into the garden, and after him he took Stepasha to the "development". In the evening I - rested - met them with a smile and a pleasant smell of meat pie from the kitchen. But the spouse was clearly not in the mood to eat and smile back to me. To my question about what happened, the answer immediately followed: "It is impossible, I'm just in shock."
Then I heard a story about how Styopa demanded from Dad the same typewriter as his friend Kolya. By the way, it cost 2000 rubles. Naturally, my husband was not going to buy it. And then the story repeated exactly the same, as with me. But, instead of "you do not love me," the son said, "you have money, you're lying to me." After this, Styopa aimed at a toy gun. When dad refused again, everything that lay there flew off the shelf. Like this. How he resolved this situation, I did not ask, but I was clearly not in words (Styopa’s offended and tearful face spoke of this).
Since then, let me judge anyone who wants to, I began to beat Stepasha in the ass with every hysteria. Over time, “seizures” became less and less. Dad didn’t go into our showdown anymore, like grandmother and grandfathers who experienced the same story with the supermarket. The husband only, when Styopa did not obey, took the belt out of the closet and began to beat them on the sofa. The son immediately calmed down. I want to say right away: nobody beat the child with a belt. Styopa himself, apparently, understood that it hurt.
Yes, I had to beat Styop in front of other parents. They condemned me, some even threw insults at me. At first I was worried, and then I did not care. After all, this is my life and my methods of education. Now Stepasha is 7 years old. I can confidently say that my son is smart. He obeys perfectly, loves and respects his parents, although he sometimes receives priests. We give him money only when we ourselves want him to not get used to it.
I want to say right away to those who talk about some conversations, explanations. Stepan did not hear them and did not want to hear them. Yes, I understand that our parents and husband are to blame for some of the points, who taught him from early childhood to money and to the fact that everything desired can be achieved through manipulation and tantrums, but it was too late to fix it. Therefore, I chose this method, and I think, despite public opinion, that I am doing the right thing.
READ ALSO:
- To beat or not to beat a child - the consequences of physical punishment of children -https://kid.htgetrid.com/en/psihologiya-detey/bit-ili-ne-bit-rebenka-posledstviya-fizicheskogo-nakazaniya-detey.html
- 8 loyal ways to punish children. How to punish a child for disobedience -https://kid.htgetrid.com/en/psihologiya-detey/8-loyalnyih-sposobov-nakazaniya-detey-kak-pravilno-nakazyivat-detey-za-neposlushanie.html
- 7 gross mistakes of parents during quarrels with children -https://kid.htgetrid.com/en/psihologiya-detey/7-grubyih-oshibok-roditeley-vo-vremya-ssor-s-detmi.html
- How not to punish a child -https://kid.htgetrid.com/en/psihologiya-detey/kak-nelzya-nakazyivat-rebenka.html
- Is it necessary to punish a child at 3 years: the opinion of parents and a psychologist -https://kid.htgetrid.com/en/psihologiya-detey/nuzhno-li-nakazyivat-rebenka-v-3-goda-mnenie-roditeley-i-psihologa.html
Dmitry Karpachev: How to punish children? To beat or not to beat a child? Mental development of children
Yes, in this case, there is evidence of indulgence, selfishness, self-esteem, and here, perhaps, the child had to be slaughtered. I think a couple of slaps will only benefit. The main thing is that other family members would support this teaching lesson, otherwise it will turn out like this: one beats the other kisses. Children are now cunning and they are growing up earlier, therefore, they need to be explained everything in an adult way and with all severity, only, of course, if he really deserves punishment, otherwise you can overdo it - to beat for everything.
To me personally, the phrase says a lot: "Yes, I understand that our parents and husband are to blame for some things ...". Everyone is to blame, but not mom. A person does not want to take responsibility. And this is significant. Parents do not have a trusting dialogue among themselves. Therefore, the result is quite natural. As soon as both of them came to a single line of behavior and support each other, the child's behavior became adequate. This time. The second important point: the child must clearly understand the causal relationship between the act and its consequences. Did bad, you will be punished. In this case, such an understanding was not immediately developed for the reason mentioned above. So if Dad and Mom initially behaved correctly, then they would not have to beat the child. Moreover, this is far from the most effective method. The punishment may consist in depriving the child of some material things (computer, television, etc.). But the most effective way is to deprive emotional contact with parents. So he made a show, and mom and dad in response to this do not communicate with him, do not hug, do not kiss, just coldly perform their duties: feed, take to the garden, etc. For many, this is a terrible slap on the pope. These are all extreme measures. In general, in a favorable climate in the family, children automatically behave appropriately. Look for problems in yourself and correct the cause, not the effect. Children are our reflection.
I believe that everything depends on the degree of spoilage of the child. My son is at such an age that it is enough for him to stand in the corner and he immediately understands everything. When I was a little younger I had to punish sometimes. But I can say with confidence that not a single person who has no children will understand that they have to be punished.
You stupid cunt, the child is a person, not your doll, which is ALWAYS obliged to obey. It’s disgusting even to ask a question in the style of “beat or not beat a child”. It’s the same as saying “beat or don’t beat my wife”, “well, she doesn’t listen to me and annoys me, but it’s possible to be too spoiled. And if the child also loves the beating mother, then this is a protective reaction of the psyche to violence, the Stockholm syndrome is called. Why, if someone beats an old man because, for example, he lost all his money in cards (and this, by the way, is a much more serious thing than asking a child for toys), and then justifying himself by annoying you, then everyone will feel sorry for him, for he is defenseless. A child is not sorry? He is even more defenseless often. “This is my life and my methods of education” NO !!!!!! This is NOT YOUR business, it affects ANOTHER, FUCKING, MAN! That's when you masturbate your anus with a huge dildo - it really is only your business.In Europe, for such treatment of children, by the way, a fine is written out or imprisoned for a day, to think about their behavior. And our standards! And then we wonder why foreigners have such an attitude towards us ?! YES BECAUSE!